When Opposites Attract

Remember that feeling you get when you fall in love? That person is "perfect" for you. They complete you. Then a few months pass, maybe one year, and that person is no longer perfect. In fact the very things that you were attracted to drive you completely crazy. You look at them and think you must have been temporarily in sane to not have seen the differences that are now obvious.

I have been reading this terrific book that just might explain why it is that we are attracted to those that are quite opposite in what we intimately need and what that person can provide. The book is, "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. I like it because of the scientific approach to this attraction process we call romantic love.

I met my husband Kevin 5 years ago. At 40 he had never been married, has no children and had just broken up the most serious relationship he had experienced. I was going through a divorce ending a marriage of 17 years. Kevin is a very independent and never thought of himself as a husband let alone a father. As for me I have never thought of myself as a single. My heart has always been open for a romantic partner and is big enough to be a mother to children. I have been fortunate to be mother of two and would have been thrilled to have had more. So the union of my husband and I is definately an opposite attracts scenerio. What was I thinking?

What is the purpose of opposites attracting? The answer is in our deepest fears. I grew up with an alcoholic Father that was physically not present. My Mother was emotionally unavailable. Kevin grew up the youngest of 3 and the only biological child (his parents being told they could not conceive). He was 10 when his parents divorced and he (not his two sisters) was sent to bording school. To this day he is everything to both of his parents. He was and is the most important thing in both of their lives. Due to how we were raised I fear abandonment and he fears being enmeshed. In otherwords I always think he is leaving and he always thinks I am going to take away his independence.

Wouldn't it have been easier to be attracted to someone just like myself? No. And the reason is that with someone like ourselves we will never overcome our fears that were instilled in us as children. We need the opposite to see our fears and to challenge us to overcome them. I can tell you that it is very hard every day but I can also tell you that the growth that comes makes it all worth it. How can we help others with their fears if we do not help ourselves? That is why we are here on earth, to help others. To live your life not overcoming your own stuff and thus not giving your full potential to help others is not living. As you look at your loved one and think "what in the world" remember God has provided for you the tools necessary to live fully. So go do it!

So Whose Birthday is it Anyway?

Last week I was returning from Las Vegas (I went to get away from the snow and got snowed in) and sat next to a woman who reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas. She asked me this simple question, “When did Americans come to think that Christmas is a second time in the year to celebrate their own birthday?” We had a great discussion about the true meaning of Christmas and that the only birthday we should be celebrating on December 25th is that of Jesus (well OK there are some folks who are fortunate to have this holy day as their birthday-my niece Mariah does-Happy Birthday Mariah). After a good hour of conversation we agreed that the true meaning of Christmas is about giving to others. Since the conversation I have done some deep reflecting on what “giving” is all about.

I started thinking about people I know that have “given” something to someone that was totally unexpected; unconditional. A month ago my friend, Liz and I met for a holiday drink to catch up on our lives. As we prepared to leave we were engaging in a deep conversation on our way to the door. As I approached to open the door I realized that I had lost her. I looked behind me to find her hugging a young girl that was clearly emotionally distraught. Liz was consoling her and the young girl continued to shed tears. I walked back and attempted to consol her as well. After a few minutes we got her to smile and she thanked us. As Liz and I walked towards the door, I asked her who her friend was. She answered, “Oh that was not a friend I do not know her”. I was taken aback. I just assumed the way she had opened her heart to this young girl that she had to have known her. Liz just looked at me and said, “She just looked like she needed a hug”. This was a pure loving gift that did not come in a new shiny wrapped box. It was given from her heart with the intention of giving to someone else for nothing in return. How often to we give unconditionally? Yes, Christmas has always been about giving. I have always done my fair share of charitable giving at Christmas and throughout the year. But I can honestly say that giving in the spur of the moment at the most inconvenient time for me is not a gift that I have given often enough. And sometimes the simplest gifts can mean the most at the perfect timing of someone else. So is unconditional love about timing? Is it about seeing a situation from another’s point of view? Is it about giving what someone else needs not what we think they need?

This left me in a confused state of mind for Christmas. I felt a need to go about this Christmas completely different. So I downplayed the glamour and the typical traditions. There were fewer presents and I did not even send out Christmas cards (the first time in 25 years). I spent more time one on one with those that I love, gave out more hugs and spent time thinking about all that I am grateful for. I thanked God for providing for each and every one of us and most of all for birth of Christ as a reminder of what is most important in life; giving to others.

Pink Slips

These are tough times. For me it is the toughest time I have been through. I have always said that being your own boss is great because you have control over your destiny. This is true since I have yet to receive a pink slip. However, I will be honest and tell you that there are days that I wish I would find a big shiny pink slip in my mailbox. If you are a true believer in everything happens for a reason, a pink slip just could be that kick you need to change.

So if you are in charge of your own pink slip how do you come to the conclusion that change has come your way and it is time to embrace it? Two years ago when I was looking at the change that was imminent in the mortgage and real estate business I began to prepare. It was time to downsize and trim expenses. My real estate team was prepared for the storm. So we thought.

The year 2008 brought the ultimate financial storm. The mortgage industry came to a halt. Foreclosures began to show their ugly face. The stock market took the ride down faster then anyone could imagine. These events are not going to leave anyone unscathed. The unemployment numbers are just starting to rise. I have watched my peers leave the industry in staggering numbers. I even lost a friend in the mortgage industry to a heart attack. The phone rarely rings and days become longer and lonelier. But still no pink slip for me.

Is it time to wave the white flag? Is the real estate industry coming back anytime soon? Do I need to write my own pink slip? This is the time that we all need examine who we are, what skills we have, where our hearts are currently and what direction it wants us to follow.

I have spent countless hours reflecting and it has not all been torture. I have taken time to enjoy my husbands travel benefits. I have spent hours driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and then to Los Angeles. I just got back from spending time on the beach alone. It is important for me to go into the holiday season with some sense of direction. I am writing today to tell you that I will not be writing my pink slip. I have 15 years experience in the real estate industry. I have been fortunate to get a very wide range of experience within the industry. I am passionate about helping people. I know that home is where the heart is. Whether that home is temporary or permanent and whether it is for your family or your business. My skills and values make this job of being a real estate advisor perfect for me. Yes change is inevitable. The real estate and mortgage industries have changed and will never resemble what any of us had come accustom to. Things seem to be settling down or it just may be the eye of the storm. Either way my heart is telling me loud and clear that I will be riding the storm out. I am prepared for it to look different and I am excited for the opportunity to embrace change outside of my control. Whether you have received a pink slip or not, this is the time that we get to practice asking for and giving help at the same time getting a lesson in letting go and reaching for faith. It is a time for us to remember where we came from. We are Americans. Obstacles and hardship is what we were born of. As you go in to the holiday season be grateful for all that you have received, even if it was pink.

Finding Your Way Back Home Where Your Heart Is

Since starting "Messages for Women" I have been pleasantly suprised with the men in my life wanting to help. I am not sure if it is simply the fact that it is for women only, thus the elimination of them makes them want to be involved. Or the fact that if women help each other, a certain amount of responsibility to fill our needs will be released from them, providing a sense of relief.

One of my closest male friends and I got into an interesting conversation just the other day. He indicated that he sees my initiative as a way to get back to basics of traditional roles that men and women have that are based on our inherent natural skills and desires. After a few minutes of discussion we concluded that men are born naturally to provide and protect. And women are born to connect and nuture. He went on to say that he really wants to receive that female nurturing and connection and really has the desire to provide and protect. He has been looking for it his whole life and is having a difficult time finding a women who is open to receiving it. He also went on to say that he is always willing support and encourage (which he does for me) women to have meaningful careers and that does not need to change the natural difference between how men and women show love. I do agree that men can love but do show it much differently. He may be on to something (by the way ladies he is single).

What I am hung up on is whether most men want to show their love through providing and protecting. I realize that it just may be my experience. Most of the men in my life (from my father to my current husband) up until recently have not shown this desire. After spending Thanksgiving with my 18 year old son I just might have seen some natural instincts come out that might prove me wrong. This is the first year that he has come to visit versus living in my home. He is now a man. I felt some changes in him. I can feel his desire to provide and protect through the change in his priorities and by what he is needing from me. He asked me to teach him to cook. He asked if I wanted some chocolate ice cream and wanted to stop at the store to bring it home for us. He asked several times what our plans were and was eager to help. He is no longer shy about hugs and "I love you's" (even in front of his friends-well except for writing on his wall in Facebook-off limits for me). He has always had a soft heart so this is not a surprise. It just seems to have presented itself openly so quickly.

So maybe my friend is correct. Men do naturally want to provide and protect. And maybe over the last 50 years; during women's bra burning, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, has left men confused. Maybe I have not experienced the giving of this desire in men in my life because I was too busy to receive it??

So the question we must ask ourself, "How do we support men in finding their way back home to where their heart is?" For me I am getting back to basics and natural instincts; connecting and nurturing.

I am sorry I burned my bra

The other day an amazing friend of mine shared this story. A couple years ago she decided to give the mortgage business a shot. Yes, a tough time to start given what was just beginning to happen in the industry, but she was determined to give it all she had. She had been struggling for a few months getting business generated along with handling the learning curve. Like most of us women she was determined to do it all, successful new career, supporting wife and phenomenal mother. One morning she had to drag herself to work. She had been up most of the night with her sick daughter. Instead of taking the day off, she was determined to build this new business so off she went with bags under her eyes. Within a couple hours a coworker, a generation older, made her way to her desk. She interrupted her and said, “I am sorry”. She preceded to say she was a feminist in the 60’s and burned her bra to put the women of today in this place and for that she is truly sorry.

My friend looked at me and said, “Are we suppose to believe it was the fault of the women before us?” I responded with a flat NO. We are evolving and that was an important era that was to happen exactly that way. What is most important is that we stop this phenomenon with our daughters. It is imperative that we show them that being a woman does not mean we do it all at the high price of losing ourselves. They do not have to live with the mantra: We bring home the bacon; we fry it up in a pan and never never let you forget you’re a man. When and where did we decide that our natural instinct to nurture was not enough? The answer is not important. What is important is that we do have breast and that whether you wear a bra or not does not define who we are. With the support of one Mother to another Mother, we can begin accepting our mind, bodies and spirit just as they are. Don’t you think the world could use some nurturing?

Supportive versus supporting

I have been reflecting on the difference between these words and wondering how they relate to the relationship between women. First of all we as women know what being supportive is. The maternal nature that we vibrate is always supportive. We are supportive of are husbands (even when they may not deserve it). We are supportive of are co-workers. In general our dna creates this in us. Now let's look at the other word. The definition of the two are as follows:
Supporting: upholding, aiding, shielding, promoting
Supportive: furnishing support or assistance
These two words are indeed similar but very different. Being supporting provides an "in the moment" very hands out visual. Versus being supportive which is creates more of a "hands off" visual. Think about this when it comes to your children (which is why I did not include this above). We are way more then supportive to our children. We are supporting. Now that gives you a different visual and quite a different feeling (you can feel the weight in your shoulders and neck). And we also tend to be more supporting then supportive in our role with our aging parents. Necessarily so.
So maybe when you see the woman standing where you stood you hesitate to help. Could it be that we are so supporting in some relationships that we just do not have any energy left. And that being generally supportive is all that we have. Think about people in your life who have been supportive. Now think about people who might be supporting you. And finally maybe we tend to be shy to be actively supporting because we have a hard time accepting someone supporting us???
The other night I was at a function for my husband's work and I met a wife of one of his co-workers. She is also a real estate agent. We began exchanging stories of what we were going through. She said, "I have never been in a place where my husband has had to be supporting me financiall" and then she finished by, "I find it really uncomfortable". Wow! It was like she was the voice in my head coming out of her mouth. Ouch. I think I found out why I have been feeling a sense of desparation. After all these years of supporting others maybe I need to accept that it is time for me to allow others to give the same.
Any thoughts out there?

THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

It make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way the kids will walk into the room while I'm in the throws of dinner and ask if I know where their math book is. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm making dinner?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm cooking, or doing laundry, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you bring my shoes to school? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm an expert at the rights of Americans to ask, how do I fill out an absentee ballot?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied math and the mind that was the first out of 40+ cousins to graduate from college from my father’s side - but now they had disappeared into the Thanksgiving turkey, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

If you have traveled Europe you know there are great cathedrals that took so long to build that the original people who started them were not the same that finished them. Can you imagine building such greatness and knowing that you will not get anything in your lifetime in return? Some of these historic buildings have no records as to who actually built them. These builders gave their whole lives for work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was produced by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction but it is not a disease. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

I don't want my child to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 6 in the morning and makes my lunch, and then she washes the clothes and cleans the house.' That would mean I'd built a shrine to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you’re gonna love it there.'

As women, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Leadership a man's way - Is it the right way?

In my quest to empower women to help other women through inspirational messages (my goal 500 in 30 days so please help) I have had great learning about women through men (yes I said men). I just returned from a weekend with friends in New York. I had the opportunity to meet a wonderful couple who shared their story openly. A very unlikely couple at first glance but after learning their story you very quickly realized their common bond, which was the power of intention. She an exotic beauty that is passionate about empowering young women through some very interesting initiatives along with being a very talented musician, and he a very prominent attorney with an office in the Empire State building (best way to tour the building). I had the opportunity for a one on one conversation with him regarding women and the lack of support amongst strong successful business women. We had ended up on a discussion about leadership. We got there through discussing women in politics (Hilary Clinton to be exact) and ended up with the question of why women are hesitant to support other women in attaining powerful leadership positions. His perspective was that the current leadership model in the US was created by predominantly white men and women for some reason think they have to use that model to attain leadership positions. He went on to add that his felt women could bring amazing things to the idea of leadership if they only focused on using their true essence. So what innate skills to women have that would add tremendous value to the current leadership model developed by men? My first thoughts are of multi tasking skills. It is widely accepted that women have the ability to multi task much more easily then men. My second thought is compassion. Yes women have a sense of compassion for community that lends itself to excellent team building. And finally we can not leave out the natural ability to nurture. My question to for us to consider is had our country been lead by a leadership model that had these skills that are inherent in women along with what traditionally is thought of as true leadership skills, what might our country look like today. And my final question is what can we as women do today to become leaders using our true essence versus assuming that we must conform to the leadership models of the past? Give today by sending a message of inspiration to women. Just click on the image to the right. Thank you for making a difference.

Sow Sparingly Reap Sparingly Sow Generously Reap Generously

Being the Right Person

How often have you heard someone say they are single because they have not found the right person? The relationship could work if I found the right partner. This is often how we think about relationships, whether it is a romantic relationship, business partner or simple friendships. What we are really saying is that we do not want to change. If someone is going to be in our life, they have to fit us. Is this truly possible? Do we really want someone that is exactly what we want that fits us and we do not fit them? I heard this great statement a few weeks back and I have been using it daily. Here is goes: It is not as much about finding the right person, as it is about being the right person in a relationship. Wow! Now that means something totally different. Next time you are frustrated with how someone in your life it acting. Turn it around and say, "Am I being the right person in this relationship?” Is what I am hoping for from them something that I do? I can guarantee you that this will make you see the other person’s behavior much differently. We often fantasize about perfect relationships. This is great. Dream on. However, ask yourself who someone needs to be in this "perfect" relationship and are you acting that way? You have to be the right person in a relationship before you can see it in someone else. That may not change the other person. They may not be the right person. But I can guarantee that if you practice being the right person the other half will show up and your dreams then will come true. Try this exercise (and then make a list of your own).

Instead of: Replace with:

I want a best friend I am a best friend
I want to be loved I am loving
I want to be respected I am respectful
I want to be valued I value others
I want to be thanked I express thanks to others
I want to be hugged I give hugs generously

The Ego Talks the Heart Walks

Today will go down in history. Yesterday the people of American spoke. We are all created equal. Each of us will mark that day our own way on our own life timeline. For me my son's first time voting changed the course of history. His vote counted. On a very personal level my life was also touched directly. My new initiative "Messages for Women" began. On that day I received my first message from a woman who wants to inspire another woman (click to the right to give an inspirational message to another woman today).
So what is now in store for our country? What is in store for each of us? Was it enough to vote for change and not do anything else? People are talking about "The Shift". We even heard those exact words on the TV networks last night. It has begun. The ego lost. The heart won. Enough of people talking about what to do but doing nothing. Now our work begins. Each and every one of us has a huge responsibility to do something everyday for change. There are no excuses as to why we can't. I encourage you to start today. Do one thing that will change someone's life. Every action from the heart is extraordinary. You are extraordinary give today. Barak Obama represents us but will not do it for us. Never forget his words, "yes WE can".

Friends For Life

Have you ever declared a female friendship? Really asked another woman to be your friend? Ten years ago I was really missing female kinship. I was in the mist of running a real estate and mortgage company. Most of my peers were men and at my office I kept my relationships arms length (at that time in my life I believed that business and personal was better not to be mixed). I was attending a business seminar and was sitting next to a guy who I had just met. Over break he mentioned a friend of his from San Francisco. He said that I reminded him of her. He went on to say that she had mentioned to him that she was looking to meet women that she could be friends with (not necessarily just business). He asked if I was interested. Being from conservative Minnesota this type of directness threw me a little. At my age do you really ask someone to be your friend? Well I was looking for a woman friend that I could connect with too. So I agreed. He said, "Great she will be waiting at the woman's restroom during break". And he went on to describe her as a fun, smart "wine” gal (she was married into a vineyard family in Sonoma). It was as if he was selling me on the idea of being her friend. It felt very deliberate. I liked a fine glass of wine so what the heck.
I did meet her at the restroom during break and we connected immediately. We both committed to each other to be friends right there on the spot. Friendships with women for me had always just been assumed. Instead of committing you tolerated. That day we both wanted the same thing, friends for life. This friendship has made me realize that committed intimate relationships are not necessarily romantic. Most women expect the majority of their needs to be filled by a man. Is that realistic? During the past 10 years she and I have been there for each other through divorce, birth of children, marriage ups and downs, business woes and opportunities (oh and a few glasses of wine) and the gratitude that I have for the guy who introduced us is enormous. The feeling of comfort I have when I think of the having someone there who understands me has given me strength that I had missed in my life prior to meeting her. I owe a huge thank you to the "wine" gal who had the courage to ask for a friend. Thanks for being in my life Gina. I love you.

Why Women End up Alone

Did you know that if you and your male spouse are the same age you have 93% chance to out live him. And do you know that you will out live him by 13 years. This statistic has been sitting on my mind since I first heard it 3 years ago. I look at myself, my Mother and numerous friends and wonder what it will look like. And the alarming thing is how we all live our lives every day without planning for that. I once heard the statement, "men are not a financial plan". OK I get that. But what do we do about it? I also ask myself about the emotional as well as the physical aspect of that outcome. Do we have the emotional support group we need when this happens? Where are we going to live? Are we going to live alone? Is that financially feasible? What I do know after visiting countless senior housing facilities, women out number men in the later years of life 10 to 1. I have great vision as to what is possible. However this has to be done with our input as women and the sooner the better. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please don't be shy.

What are we really afraid of?

I just read an email from a friend that was asking to watch a video on Obama. The video was of an attorney explaining why Obama can not run for President because he is not a natural born citizen. The overall concept was descrepencies on his birth certificate. Yes if you involve a lawyer they can prove almost anything. So here is a statistic for you:

The difference between China and the US.
The top two layers of government in China consist of approximately 24 of which approximately 21 are engineers. Hence the innovations and growth that China is experiencing.
The top to layers of government in the US are 100% attorneys.
Hence why the US is stuck.

This drives fear in others because the thought is that the attorneys have all the answers. There is no reason to fear change. It will happen whether we resist it or not. And it is just the beginning. Reach inside your heart versus listening to this rhetoric.

And you can be assured that this change we will be experiencing between now and 2012 has VERY LITTLE to do with the election. The time is perfect for the shift of operating from the left side of the brain (ego) to the left side (devine love). All the attorney in the US won't be able to stop this. The future is bright.

Lipstick Jungle

Have you ever wondered why shows like Sex and The City, Desparate Housewives and the latest Lipstick Jungle are so popular for women? I have seen them all. Sometimes I giggle. Sometimes I cry. And sometimes I say "what a waste of time this show is". But I always go back to watching. It is not about sex. It is not about a city? It is not about being desparate. And it is most definately not about lipstick. The truth is there is a connection between these women that we all crave. The feeling that we are there for one another through all of lives challenges and successes. It is this feeling of connectedness and empathy we crave. And often think we will get from men. When you think logically about connectedness through empathy how can a man really understand. The are simply wired differently so their experiences are vastly different.

A girlfriend the other day was complaining about a friend of hers and how she is always picking the wrong men and thinking they will solve all her problems. I call it the knight in shining armor phenomenon. So where do we get this fantasy that our fairy prince will support, love, understand and honor us forever? We can definately attribute some of it to Disney. However, some of it just may be DNA. I have been very deliberate in raising my daughter with a sense of reality when it comes to relationships. Some may even think alittle to much allowing her to grow up too fast. My desire is that she is realistic in intimate relationships. She has experienced divorce. I have been open with her regarding my challenges in my current marriage. She is not naive. But at the end of the day she believes in Cinderella and believes that she too while meet her prince. And who am I to diminish her dream? How do you tell her that love is not black or white? How do I explain that you need to have different types of love? But most of all (since I have not been very successful at it) how do I share with her the importance of female life long connectedness and the sharing of lives lessons. There is a place for romantic love but it is not the only love we need. My true wish for her is to live a life that has experienced the fullness and richness of unconditional friendships with girlfriends.
Friends are forever.
Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabby, Nico, Wendy and Victory

Lady in the Park

The other evening I was at happy hour with some friends having a glass of wine (well OK it ended up to be several). A new woman walked in and joined us. She came to the table with a sigh of relief from what obviously was a crazy day. She proceeded to tell us about a lady she met in the park. She had seen this women two previous times and this woman had seemed to want to talk to her. She was a pleasant women with a nice smile but with a deep sadness in her eyes. She explained that she was afraid to speak to the woman of fear of opening a can of worms. Today the can had opened. The woman proceeded to cry and admit to her husband leaving her for a much younger woman. As she continued telling the story I started to drift. I had done the same thing over the years. I had stood where another women was standing and I did not offer to help. Even when my heart was telling me differently. Over the years I had experienced women who had stood where I was standing I deliberately did not help. Why was this? Why do woman not help other women. Is it that we do not have time? Is it a competitive thing with our children? Or worse yet our significant others? Then my thoughts went to the presidential campaign (hard not to these days). Would Hilary have been nominated if more women along her journey had offered a hand for her to reach for? Did she really have to marry someone who would become President to get up the ladder? My heart felt pain. I think that if she had had more support from her fellow sisters she would possible be running for President. If anything you can be sure she would be in a different place. I turned to the group and asked them if there is anything we can do collectively to help our fellow women? That evening "Messages for Women" was born. On my drive home the voice in my head said, "what are you waiting for?". There is a woman waiting in the park for your hand.

What are you waiting for?

Since we are on the subject of death I want to share a story about my close friend Julie. Julie passed away June 6, 2006. Julie was the age I am now, 44. Julie and I had known each for years. She was the girlfriend that you have while you are raising children. We were pregnant with our first babies together. We worked together at the time so being pregnant together we ate together. And we were fortunate for our pregnancies were great and we loved to eat. We would each bring 3 bag lunches and still buy snacks throughout the day. Time passed we had more children and they grew up. We went through not only child bearing ages but career changes together and had each other to go through the typical challenges one faces during that time of a women's life. It was a perfect for both of us. We understood each other. We knew the pressures on our time and made no pressures on each other for more time then we had to give. We were just there with total empathy for one another. Julie was diagnosed with lung cancer two years prior to her death. And we went through that together. We would continue to meet for lunch and eat (when her chemo would allow her to) and then shop after looking for the latest fashionable scarf she could buy to hide her beautiful soft head. She had beautiful skin which is a blessing when losing your hair. She fought her lung cancer like a soldier. After the long year and a half battle she won lung cancer. Unfortunately December of 2005 she was diagnosed with a canerous brain tumor. I was convinced that she could and should fight again. I arranged to take her to Mexico to a holistic clinic. Within a couple weeks of making the plans she called and said that the doctors were giving her strong indications of hope and that she would not need to go. I believed her or maybe I was in denial. What I did not know then what I found out later was that she knew the severity of the situation and chose to live the balance of her life with quality. On April 14th Julie and I met for lunch and golf (another activity that we enjoyed together). We had a great day. When we were done I was helping her load her clubs and she said, "Sue what are you waiting for?". I was thrown off guard somewhat as I did not know what she was referencing. I assumed it was regarding the romantic relationship that I was in. I had received an engagement ring a couple months prior from my boyfriend and within the previous few days he had called it off as far as a specific timeframe. Julie passed 7 weeks later. She left me the gift of her voice in my head saying "what are you waiting for?. What I realize since is that it did not have to do with a romantic relationship it had to do with life. There is not a day that goes by where my fears jump in and try to limit me. And then I go to the gift Julie left me and ask myself, "what are you waiting for?". I miss Julie terribly. And what I miss most is the kinship shared between two women. There is the understanding and comfort that you get from another woman that has stood where you stand. The one thing I have always had a hard time understanging my whole life is why women do not give to women, like Julie and I did, more. Why is it that I do not have a dozen Julie's today? What am I waiting for?????

What Defines You?

Last Saturday I attended a funeral of a close business associate. His name was Dan. Dan was in the mortgage business. I was technically employed by Dan since he held my mortgage license. I had known Dan for almost 2 years. What I loved about Dan was his great smile and the generousity and sincerety behind the smile. I saw Dan every Monday in my business networking group. As you know the mortgage industry as all but collapsed and the real estate industry is in the same state. No matter how bad things seemed, Dan was not going to let the negative energy pull him down. I considered his energy my lifeline to get through this crisis. He passed away on October 16th. The Saturday prior he rode 35 miles on his bike (a regular routine). He died in his sleep from a clogged artery. The priest at the funeral said that because Dan was such a giving person and we loved taking from him that we clogged his artery. My first reaction was to stand up and scream that the mortgage industry did it. But obviously I restrained myself. I reminded myself that the blame game has to stop and start with me. As I listened to the rest of the service I found out who Dan really was. There were very few people there in comparison the to total (which was alot since the large church was full) that had anything to do with what Dan did Monday through Friday during the days. What I found out that Dan had another life outside of work. He was know for volunteering for any initiative that had to do with housing and feeding the homeless. He was known to go down to the harshest parts of Minneapolis and pick up the homeless and hungry and bring them home. There were people in the audience that has sincere gratitude for what he had done for them. I thought about my own funeral. If I passed today my funeral would more than likely have lots of attendees (I do know alot of folks) however who would they be? I can tell you that the majority would be through the real estate and mortgage business. Do is what I do defining who I am? What Dan did for a living did not define who he was. I have always thought that by not marketing my name and my photo on bus benches that I would avoid this. Well I believe I was wrong. Who I am today is defined by what I do. So the question is what am I going to do about it going forward? Dan had just turned 60 so he did have some years on me so the postive thing is I can accomplish this over the next dozen years. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.