When Opposites Attract

Remember that feeling you get when you fall in love? That person is "perfect" for you. They complete you. Then a few months pass, maybe one year, and that person is no longer perfect. In fact the very things that you were attracted to drive you completely crazy. You look at them and think you must have been temporarily in sane to not have seen the differences that are now obvious.

I have been reading this terrific book that just might explain why it is that we are attracted to those that are quite opposite in what we intimately need and what that person can provide. The book is, "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. I like it because of the scientific approach to this attraction process we call romantic love.

I met my husband Kevin 5 years ago. At 40 he had never been married, has no children and had just broken up the most serious relationship he had experienced. I was going through a divorce ending a marriage of 17 years. Kevin is a very independent and never thought of himself as a husband let alone a father. As for me I have never thought of myself as a single. My heart has always been open for a romantic partner and is big enough to be a mother to children. I have been fortunate to be mother of two and would have been thrilled to have had more. So the union of my husband and I is definately an opposite attracts scenerio. What was I thinking?

What is the purpose of opposites attracting? The answer is in our deepest fears. I grew up with an alcoholic Father that was physically not present. My Mother was emotionally unavailable. Kevin grew up the youngest of 3 and the only biological child (his parents being told they could not conceive). He was 10 when his parents divorced and he (not his two sisters) was sent to bording school. To this day he is everything to both of his parents. He was and is the most important thing in both of their lives. Due to how we were raised I fear abandonment and he fears being enmeshed. In otherwords I always think he is leaving and he always thinks I am going to take away his independence.

Wouldn't it have been easier to be attracted to someone just like myself? No. And the reason is that with someone like ourselves we will never overcome our fears that were instilled in us as children. We need the opposite to see our fears and to challenge us to overcome them. I can tell you that it is very hard every day but I can also tell you that the growth that comes makes it all worth it. How can we help others with their fears if we do not help ourselves? That is why we are here on earth, to help others. To live your life not overcoming your own stuff and thus not giving your full potential to help others is not living. As you look at your loved one and think "what in the world" remember God has provided for you the tools necessary to live fully. So go do it!