I know you love me but do you like me?

Recently I was having a conversation with my x husband about his frustrations with our children. He was very frustrated with our daughter making comments about coming to live with me full time (we split custody currently). At one point he said, “I suppose that you will win this one as well”. He was referring to our older son who decided going into his senior year of high school to spend it living with me full time. Knowing how my children feel about their father, I suggested that he focus on the similarities between the two and their feelings towards him. I asked him if he liked our son. He looked bewildered and after a few minutes he said, “of course I love him”. I went on to describe how I really like our son. I told him that I admire his determination, gentleness and kindness. And I told him that if I were his age I would want to hang out and be his friend. I watched my x husbands face and realized he had no clue why I was telling him this. What did liking him have to do with why his children and I did not see that he was right?

My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.

My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.

Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.

For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.