I have been asking people how they would answer these three questions and it is amazing how it really stops people for a moment to reflect. There are always the fast responders that are thinking in terms of themselves (which those types do a lot of). Their answers are quite entertaining. There are things like “yes - you should have seen me in college” or “I love all the girls” or better yet “I live for my passion (like its tangible)”, “I love nature” and “I love what I do”. This particular response actually made me sad, “they can’t do without me at work so I must matter”. The more reflective types understand that it is not about the logistics of living. It is about living and loving beyond yourself.
After numerous discussions with others I have come up with my unique answers to each. Let’s take each one at a time. Did I live? I lived because I did things that I was afraid of that others thought was crazy. I lived because when the voice in my head said run, I asked why? I lived because I asked for help and accepted help. I lived because I let others have what they wanted while I went without. I lived because I risked relationships to have them. I lived because I brought joy to the lives of people around me regardless if they deserved it. I lived because I seek to understand versus always trying to be understood. I lived in empathy without reckless abandon. I lived because I understand that life is not about obtaining perfection. It is about the journey and that the ups are great and the downs are necessary for growth. Finally, I lived because I accepted the whole package that was given to me by my God and I lived consciously as much as possible as not to take it for granted.
Did I love? Of course I love my husband, parents and my kids. I can say I loved at least one set of grandparents. And I believe those closest to me would say that I am a loving person. But did I love?? I know that when I have live consciously I feel love so deeply that my chest hurts. Living consciously allows my heart to open for not only giving but receiving. Love can not be done unconsciously and when it is it is inauthentic. Authentic love is not the quick “I love you” at the bottom of an email. I have loved someone enough to let go and still I have not given up on love. I have been told I love too much. Can that really happen? I see differences in people as amazing not annoying. I can look into someone’s eyes lovingly and my heart begins to hurt enough to cause tears. Living is to empathy as loving is to compassion. I have loved beyond understanding to making a difference by not just what I say but by what you do.
Did I matter? I recently lost a good friend named Mark. Back several years ago Mark pointed out a fear that kept showing up in my behavior that was holding me back. Because he was living consciously in empathy he was able to see this. And because he loved me he pointed it out and was able to help. Over the next few years I invested a lot of time asking for help from Mark and others to support me with this emotional struggle. It was an amazing time in my life for growth and I was not alone. That was when I felt compassion for the first time. When Mark passed I asked myself, “Did Mark matter”? He made a difference in my life by not just what he said but by what he did. Yes he mattered. Like Mark I have lived consciously with empathy and loved with compassion. So, yes at the end of my journey I will have mattered
This is dedicated to my friend Mark Lindblad. To experience Mark’s contribution in life go to http://www.onyourmarkcoaching.com/
“Death is not extinguishing the light;it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”--Rabindranath Tagore
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Enabling the Narcissist
Defined: concerned only with oneself. We all know one, two or maybe even three. Or perhaps our country is full of them. Last week I had a debate with a friend about the government requiring that the CEO of GM step down. He was appalled that the government can do that. I responded with did the CEO deserve it? My friend being a VERY hard worker in fact might be the most productive person I know (one failed marriage to prove it) and rather successful at what he does answered with a quick “yes”. So I asked him if he deserved it why had it not happened before. He looked at me bewildered and never did respond. I added to the conversation that it seems as if all of us through tax dollars had to pay the government to do our dirty work.
A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.
Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.
The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?
First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.
A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.
Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.
The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?
First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.
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