Loving Someone to Life

My daughter Krista was born September 26, 1995. She was screaming as soon as her head appeared. The doctor said, “Mom you better say something to your daughter to let her know you are here”. Since that day I have poured so much love and energy into my relationship with her. Before she was born I admit I was afraid that I would not have enough love for a second child. I loved my first born so much that it was hard to imagine that there would be enough love for her.

What I came to realize soon after she was born is that I had plenty of love left for her. Over the years Krista has required more attention then my son. It has been a lot of work, however the benefits I have received from the relationship was more then I could have ever imagined. So I continued to give her as much attention as was emotionally and physically possible. We enjoy a lot of the same things and have developed a very special mother daughter bond. This has not gone unnoticed. I have had numerous comments from others on how close we seem; how special that is and how envious they are.

This past year has been full of challenges and serious changes for Krista and our entire family. She started a rigorous private college prep high school and we moved leaving her to meet new friends. She was elected team captain of her volleyball team and ended the year on the highest honor roll. Her father began a serious relationship which for being a “daddy’s girl” was a tough one to handle. She overcame the fear of losing her father to a new woman and made numerous new friendships with kids I would have chosen for her. She has been there to comfort me through struggles that I have had personally. She has made decisions as a 14 year old that at times seems almost unbelievable. To the outside world (including me) all of this success was definitely amazing and had not gone unnoticed.

Krista began losing weight noticeably summer of 2009. She had grown a good 5 inches over that past year and with all the changes that she was going through and the busy schedule; I did not think that it was unusual. Krista continued to lose weight and lost her period by fall of the same year. I had a conversation with my doctor and she indicated that it is common when girls grow that fast that their period will come and go until the growth stabilizes. In March of this year I saw her come out of the shower and I had to hold myself together as not to let her know my breath had been taken from me at the sight. Krista had lost 30 lbs in 15 months. My daughter was literally disappearing before my own eyes.

Reflecting back over the past year I recall numerous times that Krista would ask if I was mad at her, if I still loved her and if I loved her brother more then I love her. At the time I attributed these comments to typical teenage emotional challenges. What I now know is that my love was not enough. Was she born knowing that I was afraid there was not enough love for her? Could she feel that when she was inside me and has she felt that way every day since? How can someone love someone so much but it just makes the other person want to disappear because it’s not enough? Can you love someone to death?

As a family we are committed to loving and supporting Krista. We are getting professional help for her and like everything else she has accomplished she will overcome this challenge and I am confident that she will grow from the experience. This leaves me with the ultimate question that I will struggle with in years to come, how do you love someone to life?