Intimacy - How do you stay connected?

What does staying connected mean to me?

I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.

It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.

One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.

The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.

When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.

Suggestions to facilitate connection

*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations

Finding Your Way Back Home Where Your Heart Is

Since starting "Messages for Women" I have been pleasantly suprised with the men in my life wanting to help. I am not sure if it is simply the fact that it is for women only, thus the elimination of them makes them want to be involved. Or the fact that if women help each other, a certain amount of responsibility to fill our needs will be released from them, providing a sense of relief.

One of my closest male friends and I got into an interesting conversation just the other day. He indicated that he sees my initiative as a way to get back to basics of traditional roles that men and women have that are based on our inherent natural skills and desires. After a few minutes of discussion we concluded that men are born naturally to provide and protect. And women are born to connect and nuture. He went on to say that he really wants to receive that female nurturing and connection and really has the desire to provide and protect. He has been looking for it his whole life and is having a difficult time finding a women who is open to receiving it. He also went on to say that he is always willing support and encourage (which he does for me) women to have meaningful careers and that does not need to change the natural difference between how men and women show love. I do agree that men can love but do show it much differently. He may be on to something (by the way ladies he is single).

What I am hung up on is whether most men want to show their love through providing and protecting. I realize that it just may be my experience. Most of the men in my life (from my father to my current husband) up until recently have not shown this desire. After spending Thanksgiving with my 18 year old son I just might have seen some natural instincts come out that might prove me wrong. This is the first year that he has come to visit versus living in my home. He is now a man. I felt some changes in him. I can feel his desire to provide and protect through the change in his priorities and by what he is needing from me. He asked me to teach him to cook. He asked if I wanted some chocolate ice cream and wanted to stop at the store to bring it home for us. He asked several times what our plans were and was eager to help. He is no longer shy about hugs and "I love you's" (even in front of his friends-well except for writing on his wall in Facebook-off limits for me). He has always had a soft heart so this is not a surprise. It just seems to have presented itself openly so quickly.

So maybe my friend is correct. Men do naturally want to provide and protect. And maybe over the last 50 years; during women's bra burning, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, has left men confused. Maybe I have not experienced the giving of this desire in men in my life because I was too busy to receive it??

So the question we must ask ourself, "How do we support men in finding their way back home to where their heart is?" For me I am getting back to basics and natural instincts; connecting and nurturing.

Friends For Life

Have you ever declared a female friendship? Really asked another woman to be your friend? Ten years ago I was really missing female kinship. I was in the mist of running a real estate and mortgage company. Most of my peers were men and at my office I kept my relationships arms length (at that time in my life I believed that business and personal was better not to be mixed). I was attending a business seminar and was sitting next to a guy who I had just met. Over break he mentioned a friend of his from San Francisco. He said that I reminded him of her. He went on to say that she had mentioned to him that she was looking to meet women that she could be friends with (not necessarily just business). He asked if I was interested. Being from conservative Minnesota this type of directness threw me a little. At my age do you really ask someone to be your friend? Well I was looking for a woman friend that I could connect with too. So I agreed. He said, "Great she will be waiting at the woman's restroom during break". And he went on to describe her as a fun, smart "wine” gal (she was married into a vineyard family in Sonoma). It was as if he was selling me on the idea of being her friend. It felt very deliberate. I liked a fine glass of wine so what the heck.
I did meet her at the restroom during break and we connected immediately. We both committed to each other to be friends right there on the spot. Friendships with women for me had always just been assumed. Instead of committing you tolerated. That day we both wanted the same thing, friends for life. This friendship has made me realize that committed intimate relationships are not necessarily romantic. Most women expect the majority of their needs to be filled by a man. Is that realistic? During the past 10 years she and I have been there for each other through divorce, birth of children, marriage ups and downs, business woes and opportunities (oh and a few glasses of wine) and the gratitude that I have for the guy who introduced us is enormous. The feeling of comfort I have when I think of the having someone there who understands me has given me strength that I had missed in my life prior to meeting her. I owe a huge thank you to the "wine" gal who had the courage to ask for a friend. Thanks for being in my life Gina. I love you.