Whose Clothes Are You Wearing?

Do you ever go through times when you dream every night so vividly that you could swear they are real? I recently saw the move “Inception” (which is probably the reason I am remembering my dreams so vividly) and I found the concept of dreaming within different levels of consciousness very intriguing.

Saturday morning I woke up with a graphical drawing in my mind that I could recite with great detail. It had to do with clothes that our parent’s buy for us as babies and then as we go through life we out grow them. This would not be abnormal for a dream since it does seem odd however I knew when I woke that it actually had to do with beliefs and values that we inherit from our parents.

We know that our parents did the best job that they could given the information they had at the time. And we know as parents we are always doing the best we can. The question I have struggled with since waking on Saturday morning is whether I am still trying to squeeze on the clothes (or should I really say beliefs and values) that my parent’s gave me. Since then I can’t help but look at others and notice the clothes they are wearing and then drift off to what that person believes and what they show up valuing day after day and wonder; are they wearing clothes they chose or are they simply the same clothes they were given as infants? Then I start to giggle because I imagine this person struggling wearing VERY small clothing and trying hard to act normal. Then I realize how real this situation is. There are people walking around in too tight of clothing (figuratively speaking). Their human potential is being limited just because they refuse to try different clothes. So what keeps us from trying so hard to hold on to what our parent’s said and did (and possible still do)?

Recently my husband brought home a book on vegetarianism after visiting his father. The book was written in 1950 by a man that was not an expert in vegetarianism. But he was an expert in trans sexualism. But yet since this book was given to my husband from his Dad he felt obligated to bring it home. In today’s world with all the information coming at us from so many direction and with all the knowledge that we continue to gain so rapidly the idea of basing any merit on something like that seems almost ridicules. But it did come from a parent.

Last night I was at a wedding sitting next to a friend and his 4 year old. I sat and watched the dynamics closely. The boy watched Dad’s every move emulating not only verbally but non verbally. It was almost shocking. This helped me understand the true power our parent’s have in our lives regardless if they are dead or alive. And now I am conscious of the control and influence that I have over my own children. Going forward I can commit to making sure that my children understand that it is necessary to always try new clothes on and that what looks good today will be out of style in a very short period of time. They will know that I support their choice in what clothing best fits who they are and best supports them for what their purpose is in life. What suits me does not necessarily suit them.

The last scene in the movie “Inception” did depict this concept. There is an old man lying on his death bed with his son next to his side. His son apologizes for never being good enough and for disappointing his father for not being like him. His father’s last words were, “son I only wanted you to be your own man”.

Intimacy - How do you stay connected?

What does staying connected mean to me?

I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.

It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.

One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.

The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.

When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.

Suggestions to facilitate connection

*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations