Whose Clothes Are You Wearing?

Do you ever go through times when you dream every night so vividly that you could swear they are real? I recently saw the move “Inception” (which is probably the reason I am remembering my dreams so vividly) and I found the concept of dreaming within different levels of consciousness very intriguing.

Saturday morning I woke up with a graphical drawing in my mind that I could recite with great detail. It had to do with clothes that our parent’s buy for us as babies and then as we go through life we out grow them. This would not be abnormal for a dream since it does seem odd however I knew when I woke that it actually had to do with beliefs and values that we inherit from our parents.

We know that our parents did the best job that they could given the information they had at the time. And we know as parents we are always doing the best we can. The question I have struggled with since waking on Saturday morning is whether I am still trying to squeeze on the clothes (or should I really say beliefs and values) that my parent’s gave me. Since then I can’t help but look at others and notice the clothes they are wearing and then drift off to what that person believes and what they show up valuing day after day and wonder; are they wearing clothes they chose or are they simply the same clothes they were given as infants? Then I start to giggle because I imagine this person struggling wearing VERY small clothing and trying hard to act normal. Then I realize how real this situation is. There are people walking around in too tight of clothing (figuratively speaking). Their human potential is being limited just because they refuse to try different clothes. So what keeps us from trying so hard to hold on to what our parent’s said and did (and possible still do)?

Recently my husband brought home a book on vegetarianism after visiting his father. The book was written in 1950 by a man that was not an expert in vegetarianism. But he was an expert in trans sexualism. But yet since this book was given to my husband from his Dad he felt obligated to bring it home. In today’s world with all the information coming at us from so many direction and with all the knowledge that we continue to gain so rapidly the idea of basing any merit on something like that seems almost ridicules. But it did come from a parent.

Last night I was at a wedding sitting next to a friend and his 4 year old. I sat and watched the dynamics closely. The boy watched Dad’s every move emulating not only verbally but non verbally. It was almost shocking. This helped me understand the true power our parent’s have in our lives regardless if they are dead or alive. And now I am conscious of the control and influence that I have over my own children. Going forward I can commit to making sure that my children understand that it is necessary to always try new clothes on and that what looks good today will be out of style in a very short period of time. They will know that I support their choice in what clothing best fits who they are and best supports them for what their purpose is in life. What suits me does not necessarily suit them.

The last scene in the movie “Inception” did depict this concept. There is an old man lying on his death bed with his son next to his side. His son apologizes for never being good enough and for disappointing his father for not being like him. His father’s last words were, “son I only wanted you to be your own man”.

Make a Mess a Message and Then Become the Messenger

I had the opportunity of a lifetime this past weekend. A dear friend of mine, Manna Ko organized an event to bring together people she wants to help succeed with friends of hers that have reached success. Manna is the most giving sincere loving person I know. She charged $25 for the 2 and a half day seminar. The event was held at a Westin hotel and obviously was a large financial investment on her part. But she was convinced that this was her calling and did not want it to be about money. Manna’s sphere includes a variety of successful people who are giving and loving like her. The seminar was filled with some of these friends that spoke to the group for nothing other then to give us the gift of their wisdom. These are folks that have succeeded beyond what most of us can comprehend (a couple you would recognize). The interesting thing is there was no ego or intimidating energy. Every one of them was convinced that they are no different then anyone in the audience. I have never been to a seminar and felt that the speaker believed in me more then I believe in myself. It was so authentic and so pure. The only explanation I can come up with is that is was a gift from God.

When times are tough people have to share and help each other. I left motivated to give back where ever I can. It reminded me that I have to get out of the victim mode and refocus on my vision to help people as Manna and her friends are doing. Thanks you so much Manna.

In my previous blog entry I wrote about my current challenges with helping my daughter heal from an eating disorder. In the midst of the pain I could not understand how my daughter got into this mess and what my role was in it. During the seminar Manna made a comment that spoke directly to me. She said, “We all get in a mess from time to time and the key is to make the mess into a message and be the messenger”. Reflecting back on the weekend trying to put my head around all the new information that I received the one question that I kept asking myself is why did I not bring my daughter? Clearly the seminar would have touched her heart and given her confidence like it did me. How can I get this information to teenage girls? Teenage girls are bombarded with messages that they are not thin enough and that deathly thin is beautiful. How can I get them to see there is amazing beauty and power within? I am committed to doing what Manna suggested, defining a message and becoming the messenger to teenage girls. The message will help them understand the importance of loving themselves as they are and how nutritional balance can play a role in becoming a powerful self confident young woman that has a future with endless possibilities.

Loving Someone to Life

My daughter Krista was born September 26, 1995. She was screaming as soon as her head appeared. The doctor said, “Mom you better say something to your daughter to let her know you are here”. Since that day I have poured so much love and energy into my relationship with her. Before she was born I admit I was afraid that I would not have enough love for a second child. I loved my first born so much that it was hard to imagine that there would be enough love for her.

What I came to realize soon after she was born is that I had plenty of love left for her. Over the years Krista has required more attention then my son. It has been a lot of work, however the benefits I have received from the relationship was more then I could have ever imagined. So I continued to give her as much attention as was emotionally and physically possible. We enjoy a lot of the same things and have developed a very special mother daughter bond. This has not gone unnoticed. I have had numerous comments from others on how close we seem; how special that is and how envious they are.

This past year has been full of challenges and serious changes for Krista and our entire family. She started a rigorous private college prep high school and we moved leaving her to meet new friends. She was elected team captain of her volleyball team and ended the year on the highest honor roll. Her father began a serious relationship which for being a “daddy’s girl” was a tough one to handle. She overcame the fear of losing her father to a new woman and made numerous new friendships with kids I would have chosen for her. She has been there to comfort me through struggles that I have had personally. She has made decisions as a 14 year old that at times seems almost unbelievable. To the outside world (including me) all of this success was definitely amazing and had not gone unnoticed.

Krista began losing weight noticeably summer of 2009. She had grown a good 5 inches over that past year and with all the changes that she was going through and the busy schedule; I did not think that it was unusual. Krista continued to lose weight and lost her period by fall of the same year. I had a conversation with my doctor and she indicated that it is common when girls grow that fast that their period will come and go until the growth stabilizes. In March of this year I saw her come out of the shower and I had to hold myself together as not to let her know my breath had been taken from me at the sight. Krista had lost 30 lbs in 15 months. My daughter was literally disappearing before my own eyes.

Reflecting back over the past year I recall numerous times that Krista would ask if I was mad at her, if I still loved her and if I loved her brother more then I love her. At the time I attributed these comments to typical teenage emotional challenges. What I now know is that my love was not enough. Was she born knowing that I was afraid there was not enough love for her? Could she feel that when she was inside me and has she felt that way every day since? How can someone love someone so much but it just makes the other person want to disappear because it’s not enough? Can you love someone to death?

As a family we are committed to loving and supporting Krista. We are getting professional help for her and like everything else she has accomplished she will overcome this challenge and I am confident that she will grow from the experience. This leaves me with the ultimate question that I will struggle with in years to come, how do you love someone to life?

Someday you will have someone that will love you how you want to be loved. If it was yesterday - learn. If it is tomorrow - hope. If it is today - Cherish.

After I read this for the first time I said to myself, "I guess I am in the "hope" category. The little girl in me went right to my husband and I began to feel sorry for myself. Then I gave it some time and reread it several times. I asked myself whether it was true that no one has loved me the way I want to be loved.

Several people came to mind. As soon as I gave up the thought that this had to mean romantic love my heart filled with joy. Last night I had some friends over and I felt so much love. I am so fortunate to have true friends that love me the way I want to be loved. Maybe a friends love comes first before a lovers? God works in mysterious ways.

The Changing Fabric of the U.S. Family

A mentor of mine wrote this. It is extremely interesting. What do you think?


The family is the basic foundation of a strong country. Yet, there are some troubling long-term trends that indicate a dramatic change in the structure of the U.S. family.

Let’s consider three major changes in U.S. society.

1. College enrollment in the U.S. in 2010 is now 57% female and 43% male, the largest male gap in history since women were strongly encouraged to live full lives and aspire to careers outside of the home. This represents excellent progress and independence for women. Men have somehow lost their enthusiasm for going to college, hence the 14% gap. At U.S. colleges, women will meet fewer college educated men than in previous decades.

2. In 1960, 3% of all births were to unmarried mothers. In 2009, 42% of all births were to unmarried mothers. In one segment of U.S. society, over 70% of all births were to unmarried mothers. We know very well that it is extremely difficult to raise children as a single mother, work to gain an income, and also provide the time necessary to be a good parent and role model. In general, children thrive best in families with two loving parents with at least one having a good job.

3. About 93% of all U.S. residents in jails and prisons are male. The incarcerated population doubled in thirty years from about 250,000 in 1950 to 500,000 in 1980 (up 250,000). In the next 30 years, by 2010, the incarcerated population increased to about 2,500,000 (up 2,000,000).

The reasons for these trends are extremely complicated!!! However, I will submit an analysis that is one possible explanation. I would hope that many people will come forward with their best analysis and recommendations.

The family is the basic unit of society. It provides for the training of children via role modeling and parenting. It appears that the changes in the sexual mores of U.S. society and the increase in the divorce rate in the last 50 years have weakened the family unit. Boys and men appear to have decreased their sense of responsibility to the raising of children. Good role modeling and parenting has slipped leaving many children with less positive parental guidance.

The lack of family coherence, love and discipline has led some children to not value school, to become involved with drugs, and to sometimes become involved with gangs and criminal behavior. The reasons that boys join gangs appear to be related to a desire to belong and be accepted. The ways to reverse these trends are complicated, but certainly involve the critical importance of effective role modeling and parenting in a loving atmosphere in a family.

All children are copy cats and accept as “truth” and “how life is lived” what they see and hear from their mother and father in the first six years of their life. Parents are the first and most important teachers of every child. First grade teachers can predict with over 90% accuracy, which children will likely graduate from high school. Hence, “Role Modeling and Parenting” training is critical for all twelve year olds, at the time that a girl/woman becomes pregnant, and at the time of the birth of a child. A strong society requires this attention to improving the strength of the fabric of the U.S. family ASAP. Real progress will likely take three generations!!! “Role Modeling and Parenting” can be downloaded FREE from the Home Page of my Futurist website: www.2020and2035.com.


Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

A Mother's Day Message

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, The passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman With time, only grows..

This is why as the years go by I do not feel older. I wish I felt as beautiful as I do today when I was younger. I had no idea what aging was going to be like. But I do know I was afraid. Now I know that it is not to be feared it is to be embraced. Life does teach you that beauty is only skin deep and that the true beauty of life has absolutely nothing to do with your physical body. If you have been as blessed as I have been to have two beautiful smart loving children there is nothing to fear and nothing to regret. Mother's day is a day to reflect on the gifts that God gives women. The gift of birth and the gift of wll that comes with motherly love. Happy Mother's Day.

Miracles and Wisdom

My friend and mentor wrote this. I just had to share:

As human beings, we have the incredible blessings of a fantastically designed body and brain and the ability to develop a powerful mind within the structure of our brain. It is amazing that a child’s heart starts beating in the womb about three weeks after its conception. What a series of miracles come together to form the life of a new and absolutely unique human being!!

Certainly the mother and father of a new child have no knowledge of how to build a heart, a brain, an arm, a digestion system, an eye, an immune system or any other part or function of a human being!! The miracle of a child’s fantastic creation is a testament to a powerful force in the universe which many call Source, God, or Creator. And miraculously, every new and unique child has a very complex genome system. We now know that 99.9% of all human genomes are identical for all human beings who have ever been born anywhere on planet earth. All humans are FAMILY if we mean by FAMILY having a tremendous amount in common, at least at the structural genome level.

A child’s brain weighs about three-quarters of a pound at birth and reaches a maximum weight of about three pounds at age twelve. Fully 17% of all of the billions of neurons in a child’s brain are connected at birth (by NATURE). Therefore, by NURTURE, the remaining 83% of all of the billions of neuron connections are formed over the lifetime of the child. The fastest rate of growth of the neuron connections occurs from birth to five years old, the most critical period of NURTURE. Additional neuron connections occur throughout a person’s lifetime. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is the section which controls wise decision-making skills is far from fully developed at age twelve, as parents of teens can well attest. At the present, medical research has found that humans are capable of building new neuron connections in their brains throughout their lives.

A human being’s mind is developed within the brain and contains facts, information, experiences, knowledge, memories, fears, confidence, human-to-human relationship skills, fantasies, creativity, imagination, and so on. Parents, the child’s first teachers in the first five years of their lives, have a fantastic influence on the early development of a child’s mind. Children are copycats, and therefore they learn incredibly from the good and bad examples of their role models - their parents. Parenting is a very great honor and a very great responsibility.

Researchers have found that the most critical variable that determines a child’s success in school is not their intelligence at age six, but rather their self-discipline and self-control. Self-control is a skill generally learned in the first five years of life with the help of calm, loving and nurturing parents. Children depend on the role modeling and parenting that they receive from their parents, especially the NURTURE in their first five years of life.

The major milestones in a successful life are: a) learning to love and be loved, b) learning self-control and good behavior, c) learning kindness and respect for others, d) learning to listen, speak, read, write, think analytically, and think creatively, e) graduating from high school, f) deciding on a career path, g) going to college, h) getting a good job, i) getting married, and then j) having children with two loving parents raising them.
(A single parent has an extremely challenging role in life for the adult and the child. Therefore, great care should be taken in the decision making about sexual activity in the child-bearing years. If a child is conceived and only one parent is willing to raise him or her, adoption by a married couple should be seriously considered.)

Our heart, brain and entire bodies are truly miracles!! As human beings we are truly blessed. Then, throughout our lives from babies, to toddlers, to children, to teens, to adults, to parents, and to seniors, we are nurturing ourselves and being nurtured to seek WISDOM. WISDOM MESSAGES are the powerful lessons that we learn in the inevitable ups and downs of life and that we choose to apply to the way we live the rest of our life. Positive and negative experiences in life, once reflected upon, can help us to define the WISDOM MESSAGES that we choose to be our self-talk and our decision-making guide for the rest of our life.

The human use of human beings is in our WISDOM MESSAGES. Wisdom has two components: “Human-to-Human Relationships” and “Imagination”. No machine or computer can teach us about the power of positive human relationships. We need to experience and cherish love, kindness, respect, compassion, friendship, companionship, and so on. Having a goal of cherishing and nurturing our human-to-human relationships, leads to valuable personal WISDOM MESSAGES.

Imagination is another source of human wisdom. Imagination is developed in the brain and becomes part of our mind, our total human understanding of facts, information, intelligence and wisdom. “Human Imagination”, Albert Einstein stated, “is even more powerful than Human Intelligence.” New principles of human relationships, new technologies, new managerial methods for organizations – all imaginative new approaches to living a useful life on earth, come from our own imagination and from learning from the imagination/creativity/fantasy experiences of other humans.

Miracles and Wisdom are our legacy from our Creator. We are certainly blessed, and then we create our future by our free will and choices. Parents, as the first teachers of a child, greatly help their children develop self-discipline and self-control. Parents’ three most precious gifts to their children are Time, Unconditional Love and the Love of Lifelong Learning.


Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

Can Change Every Truly be Involuntary?

Can Change Ever Truly be Involuntary?

This past week I voluntarily resigned from a role of sitting on a board of directors that I put my heart and soul into for the past two and a half years. I had accepted it full heartedly and since the real estate market has been slow I was able to dedicate all the time I needed. It was tough being part of a democratic process that was hit with major decision to make like cutting cost which included letting go of valuable employees and initiatives that had been services provided for many years. These decisions were not easy to except or meant to make anyone popular. Although it was stressful I learned a lot and was truly grateful for the opportunity to have such a learning experience.

Like most democratic processes things can get political. Voting is to be an individuals right and respected regardless of the particular side you vote. But we are human and what is suppose to be a right can often be judged especially under times of emotional stress and financial pressure.

If someone would have told me six months ago that I would eventually resign before the end of my term I would never have believed it. One thing led to another and I became a target by the current person in charge of the board and before I knew it I was backed into a corner that made me feel like I had no choice. Even though I was the second person to be bullied and intimidated this year and I knew that this was his tactic of choice I felt like I had no choice. Or did I?

I took a week of serious reflection and prayer to find the right answer and in my heart I realized that it may feel like I was pushed into resigning, but I eventually realized that it was God’s way of telling me to “wake up and smell the roses”. And after I had come to the conclusion that I would resign I began to realize that there had been other signs. I had felt uncomfortable for many months watching others go through something similar but did not listen to my intuition. I had been in denial.

Like I often do I went to my database of messages from all of you and found the answer in this message:

The Five Things We Cannot Change
Everything changes and ends.
Things do not always go according to plan.
Life is not always fair.
Pain is part of life.
People are not loving and loyal all of the time
..and it's ok!

I then wrote the most amazing eloquent professional resignation. And it was voluntary and felt like a ten pound weight had been lifted. My feelings of having to involuntary resign became a voluntary life changing event.

Challenging things that happen in life are not obstacles they are avenues for change.

Accept What Exists or Have the Courage to Change it

I was reflecting on the following submission for Messages For Women and was thinking about all the political rhetoric that is going on.

Comments: The human race is so lost that they do not realize that freedom comes from within and is a process. We are always looking at it externally fighting for control. Look inside and trust God and the process.

Everywhere we are hearing one political party blaming the other for taking their rights as American citizens away. I was thinking about our responsibility as American citizens is during times of political struggle for control. To me you either accept what exists or have the courage to take responsibility in making change. I was thinking about what I should do and I got this great email from my friend and mentor, Bill Peter. Below is Bill's call to all American citizens. Thanks Bill.

It is time to call all American citizens “Americans”

All humans on earth are related and have common ancestors. History is clear that the species we call human beings have a common heritage. As we trace back our family tree, we find that we are related to people from all parts of our country and other countries around the world. DNA studies and human genome studies have shown that all 6.7 billion plus human beings on earth today have 99.99% of the same genes; we are much more alike than different. All human beings are all “family” in the true meaning of the word.

In the United States, it is time to call all American citizens “Americans”.
Suppose in the U.S. census in 2010, a woman with a mother of Chinese heritage and a father of Irish heritage is asked to categorize herself for the census taker. Does she check the Caucasian box, the Asian box, both, or what? I submit that this is reality, and it is wrong to ask questions that require a person to “label himself or herself” by race, ethnic background, or the country of birth of ones ancestors.

When we become American citizens, by birth or the process of study and testing to become an American, we are “Americans”. Tiger Woods was praised as the first African-American to win the Masters golf tournament. Over time, he politely pointed out that his heritage was Caucasian, Black, Asian, and American Indian. Do we need rules on what percentage of each race or ethnic background a person is? Of course not, just eliminate the offensive labeling questions from the 2010 U.S. Census and all census taking in the future. Reasonable questions include: Are you a U.S. citizen, or not? If not, what country are you a citizen of? In what country were you born? The Census should help us to identify everyone who is in the United States. However, we should eliminate all questions about race and ethnic background of U.S citizens.

The United States is the most diverse of all cultures in the world with respect to race and ethnic culture heritage. All American citizens are “Americans” and should all be called “Americans”. The press, all the media, all politicians, all laws, all organizations, everything, should refer to American citizens as “Americans”. Freedom of the press is not useful to divide us, instead of unite us. Labeling groups of Americans implies that some ethnic groups are more or less important than others -- not a good idea for a melting-pot country.

I was born in Brooklyn, New York, and Jackie Robinson was one of my heroes when he joined the Brooklyn Dodgers to play baseball in 1947. (I was 12 years old, and baseball was an important part of my life). I learned to copy Jackie’s technique of standing at bat and tapping his right thigh with his right hand several times before each pitch. I was told by the radio announcers that Jackie was so good at stealing bases because he ran pigeon-toed, which made him run faster. (He had been a track star at college). So, as a youngster following his role model, I tried to run faster by running pigeon-toed. I loved how enthusiastic Jackie Robinson was about baseball, and when my dad brought me to Ebbetts Field to see the Dodgers play, Jackie was the one I cheered for the most. Why? Because he was a great ball player! It was not a plus or a minus to me that his skin was black and mine was white. Martin Luther King said, “I have a dream that one day my children will be evaluated not by the color of their skin but by the quality of their character.” He fought and died for the U. S. to become a color-blind society.

General Colin Powell tells the story of being complimented by a superior officer that he was “the best black Lieutenant in the Army”. General Powell preferred to have been praised for being the best Lieutenant, independent of his skin color. No one says Michael Jordon was the best black basketball player of all time; we just say he was the best.

In 2010, as we take the next census of American citizens, we should not ask questions about ethnic or racial heritage. Such questions are demeaning, inaccurate and not worthy of the standards of ethics of our country. The census should not perpetuate the racism mistakes of the past. We are all Americans and should be proud to drop all other race or ethnic heritage labels in our pursuit of true tolerance and respect for everyone’s human dignity.

This is the United States: we are “Americans.”
Do you share this view? Let your voice be heard!!

Prepared by: Bill Peter, Consultant/Futurist billpeter@billpeter.net www.2020and2035.com
6650 Vernon Hills Road Edina, MN 55436 952.933.6850

The Antidote to Exhaustion is Full Heartedness

The closer you get to the fullest expression of yourself the more time and energy you can spend protecting and helping others. The first time I read this statement I tensed up. The voice in my head said, “great you already do so much for others and in finding me I get to give even more”. Just thinking about it made me exhausted. Then I read it again and thought what does it mean to be in the fullest expression of yourself and how would it feel? It would feel natural and authentic. It would feel as if there was no resistant and very productive. There would be no time spent in worry and fear. After a bit more reflection I started to put together the perfect vision.

I am working as an entrepreneur using real estate as a vehicle to accomplish my goal of serving others. Any events that come into my life that are a negative frequency of energy roll off like food on a non stick pan. And all the positive connections quickly are recognized and serve me. My capacity is enlarged. I am now serving others in all that I do full heartedly. Seeing this vision does not bring feelings of exhaustion but feelings of complete bliss, its heaven on earth. This is how amazing women like Oprah do it. This is how Mother Theresa connected with so many people changing the world as she encountered it. The antidote to exhaustion is full heartedness.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A week ago I was fortunate to get a chance to attend my son’s ultimate Frisbee tournament in San Francisco. I was so excited however felt somewhat awkward since I was by myself. It was interesting to be a spectator when what I really wanted to do is be a dotting Mom. It was very difficult to be there for him but yet let him be with his college friends and do the normal things he would if I had not been there. I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him and I wanted to take care of him every chance I could. But I knew deep inside that this was his time to be his own person and that my role was to support from a distance. If I left him to do his own thing would he know how proud I was of him? Would he know how much I love him if I stayed my distance? What was too much? And what was too little? It was driving me crazy the entire weekend but in the end I kept my distance but was unsure if I should have said more.

The following day after returning home I received the message below from a friend. I read it and could not hold back the tears. It did not matter what I said or did not say that past weekend. What mattered is all the years my son watched me that showed him how much I cared and how much love that I had for him and others. The tears were happy tears. He has grown up to be the most loving caring kind responsible productive person I know. He has become this person because of who he saw me be everyday of his life growing up. I realized that I did an amazing job by what I did when I thought he was not looking. And this includes standing by the sidelines of a college tournament in San Francisco when I thought he was not watching me.

A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

God Has Always Been There

God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

When I first read this a few months ago what stood out was the people given to me that hurt me. The question I kept asking myself is, “God give me a break and send the ones who love me and want to help me – I don’t know how much more I can take”.

It is my son’s 20th birthday today and I realized today watching him be the amazing person he is that he loves me. His love has made me the person I was meant to be. The interesting thing is that a few months ago he loved me and I was the person I was meant to be then as I am today. So did God just send me him today? No God sent him 20 years ago. I just choose more often then not to see the fear versus the love. I get stuck in negativity in a tunnel vision of emotional pain. I was and I am accepting of the person I am from the pain I have endured. What about the women that I have become as a product of all the love and help that I get everyday that I may not notice?

Who loves me? I can think of dozens of people and it makes me feel warm and strong. Who has helped me? I am overwhelmed with a sudden feeling to cry. I think of so many people who have been there for me just in the last week let alone my entire life. My daughter, my husband and my partner at work have all seen me struggle and offered to help me this past week without me having to ask. And when I think back over the last 15 years in my real estate career the list would take hours to write. I have always felt fortunate with opportunities that have left me with wanting to help others in return. So this has also made me who I am and plays a huge role in who I am meant to be. God has always been there. Now it is time for me to see all of the positive gifts that have been sent my way and are yet to come through those that love and support me.

Holding Back My Love

Yesterday my husband and I were attending our monthly couple’s therapy session. The group discussion was on differences and similarities within each couple and what are the one’s that bring to the relationship the biggest challenges. Like always it was great to hear the other couples perspectives and it is always good to hear that the same challenges exist within most couples.

When it was my husbands time to share he admitted that he often holds back saying nice things about me. He admitted that he knew that I have a need to feel special and noticed by him. He confessed that he often gets the urge to share and then purposely holds back because he is mad at me. He explained that my desire to be connected to him as a couple overwhelms him and he retreats and blames me for being needy. Of course this deeply saddened me. Initially I felt bad for him. The pain he must be in holding back love. To think of all the love that comes back his way that he does not get a chance to claim because of not being in a loving place. How sad it must be to be in his shoes. Then a light bulb went off. OMG I do the same thing. After some reflection I realized I hold back love too but just slightly different. When I am angry I hold back physical attention. I stay as far away physically as possible. I make up excuses to go to work early and make appointments when I know that he may be around. When I am angry I can still say nice things because that is easy for me. I do this naturally. But simple hugs, feet brushing against his in bed, bumping into him lovingly making dinner NO WAY! Why? Because I know he needs physical touch. It is so interesting how we see things in others that are in ourselves. Yesterday may have been painful but I have so much gratitude to God for giving me the chance at intimacy to see the lessons that come my way. And once in a while I have the courage to learn from them. That is life.

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.

Do you really deserve it?

I always thought that the feeling of entitlement came from those who depended on the government for their financial needs. I did not think that the feelings of entitlement could be expressed by someone like Tiger Woods. How could someone so rich feel entitled?

A couple weeks ago someone I know said that they felt justified in taking someone’s deposit outside of the terms of a contract because he worked so hard. He felt entitled to take the money. This past week Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior. He said, “normal rules did not apply I thought only of myself”, “I worked hard my entire life and I deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me”, “I felt entitled”. Wow! A person like Tiger feeling entitled.
Since I have reflected on whether there have been times that I too have felt entitled. Have I justified my behavior because I have worked so hard so I deserve to have what I want? Ok maybe I have not slept around with dozens of men or have taken money that a contract specifically said I could not have but I have felt entitled.

In my current marriage I have felt that I deserve a husband that is devoted to me and adores me. I deserve a husband that thinks only of my needs. I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband could not focus on me. I was in a marriage that had very little intimacy and endured it for 17 years so in this new marriage I deserve it, right? The real estate industry has been tough for 2 years and I have made it through this so I deserve to reap all the benefits as the recovery has begun, right? Where is the line between feeling entitled and having passion to go for what you want? When does desire and dreaming become entitlement and narcissistic?

I do not know the answer and I am looking for opinions from others. I do know that to stay out of fear and to stay in love is the first step. And I do know that I will never give up dreaming or my passion for what it is I want to give to the world. Maybe I will just have to check in with myself more often with the question, “do I feel a sense of entitlement to this goal or dream”?

Living with Chronic Pain

Most people that know me would never have guessed that I have lived with chronic pain for most of my life. On the outside I am happy active and generally optimistic. The pain I have suffered has been a result of my digestive system. I can not tell you at what age it started but I do remember at a very young age accepting the fact that I had inherited this condition from my grandmother. I have been diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome and poor circulation) through visiting a series of traditional and alternative medical professionals. Up unit this past month my life revolved around my stomach and the pain that I experience.

I met Cheryl a couple of years ago. We immediately connected and both had a strong feeling that there was a purpose for our meeting and that this purpose would be larger then the both of us. During this time Cheryl has become a dear friend. I had often felt saddened that we could not spend more time together. Like most girl friends schedules seem to be the culprit for not getting together as often as you would like. This is true of Cheryl and I but there is one other reason; Cheryl also lives with chronic pain. In fact her pain was so severe that it actually made mine seem irrelevant. Cheryl lived with chronic pain in all of her joints which often left her not wanting to leave the house. She has been diagnosed with arthritis and has been to see every person that vows to have any type of possible cure. She has tried so many things that every time we did meet I was anxious to hear her latest possible remedy and hope for relief.

Just a few short months ago she called me and said that she thought she had found the solution. She said she was researching it and when she felt comfortable with what she found she would share. Could it be possible I thought? And could it help me? Within a few weeks she had researched the product and was using it. We got together for lunch and she shared with me the concept and I was completely surprised. It was not anything you ingest or digest. It did not include meditation or any type of chanting. So what was it? The way I describe it is Spanks on steroids with an orthopedic twist. The official name is Body Magic.

Cheryl went on to say that she had been wearing if for a couple weeks and felt really good. She looked good too. She was cautious and so was I. A month went by and we met for lunch. Cheryl looked fantastic. She immediately said she felt healed. She filled me in on her progress which included a few days without her Body Magic which put her pain back in light so she was now 100% confident that it would change her life. OK I was ready.

I have been wearing mine for six weeks and I feel like a totally different person. I do not ever remember being able to sit still and not feel pain. Maybe the reason I have kept so active. I have been sleeping through the night which is a miracle. In the past my stomach would create so much pain it would wake me several times. Like Cheryl I have tried everything. This past year has been the hardest. I had stopped eating after 6:00 at night so I can get some sort of resemblance to sleep. I had stopped eating large meals at anytime during the day. I had made drinking digestive teas a daily habit. And most of you know that I eat an extremely good diet. Being married to a vegetarian has taken virtually all red meat from my diet and replaced it with an abundance of fruit and vegetables. I shop for organic all natural foods whenever possible and yet it had made little difference.

As I write this letter to you I am on a flight with my children to England. We are spending the new year celebration in London. In the past this would be very stressful for me. I would be worrying about my stomach and whether I would be able to enjoy the vacation with them. And now I sit here with my stomach absolutely pain free. My thoughts are on the future not just this trip but the rest of my life. The most amazing thing is how open my mind is to think about all that is possible living a life free of pain.

Oh and my last thoughts I would like to share is like wearing Spanks I look fantastic. I fit into all my jeans with room to spare and feel reunited with my body that I actually like. Can you believe after holiday season full of food that you can feel fabulous? Whether you live with pain or simply want to look and feel fantastic you can too. For more information on Body Magic call me. I am determined to help others begin to live life fully.

Intimacy - How do you stay connected?

What does staying connected mean to me?

I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.

It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.

One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.

The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.

When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.

Suggestions to facilitate connection

*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations