Friends For Life

Have you ever declared a female friendship? Really asked another woman to be your friend? Ten years ago I was really missing female kinship. I was in the mist of running a real estate and mortgage company. Most of my peers were men and at my office I kept my relationships arms length (at that time in my life I believed that business and personal was better not to be mixed). I was attending a business seminar and was sitting next to a guy who I had just met. Over break he mentioned a friend of his from San Francisco. He said that I reminded him of her. He went on to say that she had mentioned to him that she was looking to meet women that she could be friends with (not necessarily just business). He asked if I was interested. Being from conservative Minnesota this type of directness threw me a little. At my age do you really ask someone to be your friend? Well I was looking for a woman friend that I could connect with too. So I agreed. He said, "Great she will be waiting at the woman's restroom during break". And he went on to describe her as a fun, smart "wine” gal (she was married into a vineyard family in Sonoma). It was as if he was selling me on the idea of being her friend. It felt very deliberate. I liked a fine glass of wine so what the heck.
I did meet her at the restroom during break and we connected immediately. We both committed to each other to be friends right there on the spot. Friendships with women for me had always just been assumed. Instead of committing you tolerated. That day we both wanted the same thing, friends for life. This friendship has made me realize that committed intimate relationships are not necessarily romantic. Most women expect the majority of their needs to be filled by a man. Is that realistic? During the past 10 years she and I have been there for each other through divorce, birth of children, marriage ups and downs, business woes and opportunities (oh and a few glasses of wine) and the gratitude that I have for the guy who introduced us is enormous. The feeling of comfort I have when I think of the having someone there who understands me has given me strength that I had missed in my life prior to meeting her. I owe a huge thank you to the "wine" gal who had the courage to ask for a friend. Thanks for being in my life Gina. I love you.

Why Women End up Alone

Did you know that if you and your male spouse are the same age you have 93% chance to out live him. And do you know that you will out live him by 13 years. This statistic has been sitting on my mind since I first heard it 3 years ago. I look at myself, my Mother and numerous friends and wonder what it will look like. And the alarming thing is how we all live our lives every day without planning for that. I once heard the statement, "men are not a financial plan". OK I get that. But what do we do about it? I also ask myself about the emotional as well as the physical aspect of that outcome. Do we have the emotional support group we need when this happens? Where are we going to live? Are we going to live alone? Is that financially feasible? What I do know after visiting countless senior housing facilities, women out number men in the later years of life 10 to 1. I have great vision as to what is possible. However this has to be done with our input as women and the sooner the better. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please don't be shy.

What are we really afraid of?

I just read an email from a friend that was asking to watch a video on Obama. The video was of an attorney explaining why Obama can not run for President because he is not a natural born citizen. The overall concept was descrepencies on his birth certificate. Yes if you involve a lawyer they can prove almost anything. So here is a statistic for you:

The difference between China and the US.
The top two layers of government in China consist of approximately 24 of which approximately 21 are engineers. Hence the innovations and growth that China is experiencing.
The top to layers of government in the US are 100% attorneys.
Hence why the US is stuck.

This drives fear in others because the thought is that the attorneys have all the answers. There is no reason to fear change. It will happen whether we resist it or not. And it is just the beginning. Reach inside your heart versus listening to this rhetoric.

And you can be assured that this change we will be experiencing between now and 2012 has VERY LITTLE to do with the election. The time is perfect for the shift of operating from the left side of the brain (ego) to the left side (devine love). All the attorney in the US won't be able to stop this. The future is bright.

Lipstick Jungle

Have you ever wondered why shows like Sex and The City, Desparate Housewives and the latest Lipstick Jungle are so popular for women? I have seen them all. Sometimes I giggle. Sometimes I cry. And sometimes I say "what a waste of time this show is". But I always go back to watching. It is not about sex. It is not about a city? It is not about being desparate. And it is most definately not about lipstick. The truth is there is a connection between these women that we all crave. The feeling that we are there for one another through all of lives challenges and successes. It is this feeling of connectedness and empathy we crave. And often think we will get from men. When you think logically about connectedness through empathy how can a man really understand. The are simply wired differently so their experiences are vastly different.

A girlfriend the other day was complaining about a friend of hers and how she is always picking the wrong men and thinking they will solve all her problems. I call it the knight in shining armor phenomenon. So where do we get this fantasy that our fairy prince will support, love, understand and honor us forever? We can definately attribute some of it to Disney. However, some of it just may be DNA. I have been very deliberate in raising my daughter with a sense of reality when it comes to relationships. Some may even think alittle to much allowing her to grow up too fast. My desire is that she is realistic in intimate relationships. She has experienced divorce. I have been open with her regarding my challenges in my current marriage. She is not naive. But at the end of the day she believes in Cinderella and believes that she too while meet her prince. And who am I to diminish her dream? How do you tell her that love is not black or white? How do I explain that you need to have different types of love? But most of all (since I have not been very successful at it) how do I share with her the importance of female life long connectedness and the sharing of lives lessons. There is a place for romantic love but it is not the only love we need. My true wish for her is to live a life that has experienced the fullness and richness of unconditional friendships with girlfriends.
Friends are forever.
Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, Susan, Lynette, Bree, Gabby, Nico, Wendy and Victory

Lady in the Park

The other evening I was at happy hour with some friends having a glass of wine (well OK it ended up to be several). A new woman walked in and joined us. She came to the table with a sigh of relief from what obviously was a crazy day. She proceeded to tell us about a lady she met in the park. She had seen this women two previous times and this woman had seemed to want to talk to her. She was a pleasant women with a nice smile but with a deep sadness in her eyes. She explained that she was afraid to speak to the woman of fear of opening a can of worms. Today the can had opened. The woman proceeded to cry and admit to her husband leaving her for a much younger woman. As she continued telling the story I started to drift. I had done the same thing over the years. I had stood where another women was standing and I did not offer to help. Even when my heart was telling me differently. Over the years I had experienced women who had stood where I was standing I deliberately did not help. Why was this? Why do woman not help other women. Is it that we do not have time? Is it a competitive thing with our children? Or worse yet our significant others? Then my thoughts went to the presidential campaign (hard not to these days). Would Hilary have been nominated if more women along her journey had offered a hand for her to reach for? Did she really have to marry someone who would become President to get up the ladder? My heart felt pain. I think that if she had had more support from her fellow sisters she would possible be running for President. If anything you can be sure she would be in a different place. I turned to the group and asked them if there is anything we can do collectively to help our fellow women? That evening "Messages for Women" was born. On my drive home the voice in my head said, "what are you waiting for?". There is a woman waiting in the park for your hand.

What are you waiting for?

Since we are on the subject of death I want to share a story about my close friend Julie. Julie passed away June 6, 2006. Julie was the age I am now, 44. Julie and I had known each for years. She was the girlfriend that you have while you are raising children. We were pregnant with our first babies together. We worked together at the time so being pregnant together we ate together. And we were fortunate for our pregnancies were great and we loved to eat. We would each bring 3 bag lunches and still buy snacks throughout the day. Time passed we had more children and they grew up. We went through not only child bearing ages but career changes together and had each other to go through the typical challenges one faces during that time of a women's life. It was a perfect for both of us. We understood each other. We knew the pressures on our time and made no pressures on each other for more time then we had to give. We were just there with total empathy for one another. Julie was diagnosed with lung cancer two years prior to her death. And we went through that together. We would continue to meet for lunch and eat (when her chemo would allow her to) and then shop after looking for the latest fashionable scarf she could buy to hide her beautiful soft head. She had beautiful skin which is a blessing when losing your hair. She fought her lung cancer like a soldier. After the long year and a half battle she won lung cancer. Unfortunately December of 2005 she was diagnosed with a canerous brain tumor. I was convinced that she could and should fight again. I arranged to take her to Mexico to a holistic clinic. Within a couple weeks of making the plans she called and said that the doctors were giving her strong indications of hope and that she would not need to go. I believed her or maybe I was in denial. What I did not know then what I found out later was that she knew the severity of the situation and chose to live the balance of her life with quality. On April 14th Julie and I met for lunch and golf (another activity that we enjoyed together). We had a great day. When we were done I was helping her load her clubs and she said, "Sue what are you waiting for?". I was thrown off guard somewhat as I did not know what she was referencing. I assumed it was regarding the romantic relationship that I was in. I had received an engagement ring a couple months prior from my boyfriend and within the previous few days he had called it off as far as a specific timeframe. Julie passed 7 weeks later. She left me the gift of her voice in my head saying "what are you waiting for?. What I realize since is that it did not have to do with a romantic relationship it had to do with life. There is not a day that goes by where my fears jump in and try to limit me. And then I go to the gift Julie left me and ask myself, "what are you waiting for?". I miss Julie terribly. And what I miss most is the kinship shared between two women. There is the understanding and comfort that you get from another woman that has stood where you stand. The one thing I have always had a hard time understanging my whole life is why women do not give to women, like Julie and I did, more. Why is it that I do not have a dozen Julie's today? What am I waiting for?????

What Defines You?

Last Saturday I attended a funeral of a close business associate. His name was Dan. Dan was in the mortgage business. I was technically employed by Dan since he held my mortgage license. I had known Dan for almost 2 years. What I loved about Dan was his great smile and the generousity and sincerety behind the smile. I saw Dan every Monday in my business networking group. As you know the mortgage industry as all but collapsed and the real estate industry is in the same state. No matter how bad things seemed, Dan was not going to let the negative energy pull him down. I considered his energy my lifeline to get through this crisis. He passed away on October 16th. The Saturday prior he rode 35 miles on his bike (a regular routine). He died in his sleep from a clogged artery. The priest at the funeral said that because Dan was such a giving person and we loved taking from him that we clogged his artery. My first reaction was to stand up and scream that the mortgage industry did it. But obviously I restrained myself. I reminded myself that the blame game has to stop and start with me. As I listened to the rest of the service I found out who Dan really was. There were very few people there in comparison the to total (which was alot since the large church was full) that had anything to do with what Dan did Monday through Friday during the days. What I found out that Dan had another life outside of work. He was know for volunteering for any initiative that had to do with housing and feeding the homeless. He was known to go down to the harshest parts of Minneapolis and pick up the homeless and hungry and bring them home. There were people in the audience that has sincere gratitude for what he had done for them. I thought about my own funeral. If I passed today my funeral would more than likely have lots of attendees (I do know alot of folks) however who would they be? I can tell you that the majority would be through the real estate and mortgage business. Do is what I do defining who I am? What Dan did for a living did not define who he was. I have always thought that by not marketing my name and my photo on bus benches that I would avoid this. Well I believe I was wrong. Who I am today is defined by what I do. So the question is what am I going to do about it going forward? Dan had just turned 60 so he did have some years on me so the postive thing is I can accomplish this over the next dozen years. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.