Yesterday my husband and I were attending our monthly couple’s therapy session. The group discussion was on differences and similarities within each couple and what are the one’s that bring to the relationship the biggest challenges. Like always it was great to hear the other couples perspectives and it is always good to hear that the same challenges exist within most couples.
When it was my husbands time to share he admitted that he often holds back saying nice things about me. He admitted that he knew that I have a need to feel special and noticed by him. He confessed that he often gets the urge to share and then purposely holds back because he is mad at me. He explained that my desire to be connected to him as a couple overwhelms him and he retreats and blames me for being needy. Of course this deeply saddened me. Initially I felt bad for him. The pain he must be in holding back love. To think of all the love that comes back his way that he does not get a chance to claim because of not being in a loving place. How sad it must be to be in his shoes. Then a light bulb went off. OMG I do the same thing. After some reflection I realized I hold back love too but just slightly different. When I am angry I hold back physical attention. I stay as far away physically as possible. I make up excuses to go to work early and make appointments when I know that he may be around. When I am angry I can still say nice things because that is easy for me. I do this naturally. But simple hugs, feet brushing against his in bed, bumping into him lovingly making dinner NO WAY! Why? Because I know he needs physical touch. It is so interesting how we see things in others that are in ourselves. Yesterday may have been painful but I have so much gratitude to God for giving me the chance at intimacy to see the lessons that come my way. And once in a while I have the courage to learn from them. That is life.
Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Do you really deserve it?
I always thought that the feeling of entitlement came from those who depended on the government for their financial needs. I did not think that the feelings of entitlement could be expressed by someone like Tiger Woods. How could someone so rich feel entitled?
A couple weeks ago someone I know said that they felt justified in taking someone’s deposit outside of the terms of a contract because he worked so hard. He felt entitled to take the money. This past week Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior. He said, “normal rules did not apply I thought only of myself”, “I worked hard my entire life and I deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me”, “I felt entitled”. Wow! A person like Tiger feeling entitled.
Since I have reflected on whether there have been times that I too have felt entitled. Have I justified my behavior because I have worked so hard so I deserve to have what I want? Ok maybe I have not slept around with dozens of men or have taken money that a contract specifically said I could not have but I have felt entitled.
In my current marriage I have felt that I deserve a husband that is devoted to me and adores me. I deserve a husband that thinks only of my needs. I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband could not focus on me. I was in a marriage that had very little intimacy and endured it for 17 years so in this new marriage I deserve it, right? The real estate industry has been tough for 2 years and I have made it through this so I deserve to reap all the benefits as the recovery has begun, right? Where is the line between feeling entitled and having passion to go for what you want? When does desire and dreaming become entitlement and narcissistic?
I do not know the answer and I am looking for opinions from others. I do know that to stay out of fear and to stay in love is the first step. And I do know that I will never give up dreaming or my passion for what it is I want to give to the world. Maybe I will just have to check in with myself more often with the question, “do I feel a sense of entitlement to this goal or dream”?
A couple weeks ago someone I know said that they felt justified in taking someone’s deposit outside of the terms of a contract because he worked so hard. He felt entitled to take the money. This past week Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior. He said, “normal rules did not apply I thought only of myself”, “I worked hard my entire life and I deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me”, “I felt entitled”. Wow! A person like Tiger feeling entitled.
Since I have reflected on whether there have been times that I too have felt entitled. Have I justified my behavior because I have worked so hard so I deserve to have what I want? Ok maybe I have not slept around with dozens of men or have taken money that a contract specifically said I could not have but I have felt entitled.
In my current marriage I have felt that I deserve a husband that is devoted to me and adores me. I deserve a husband that thinks only of my needs. I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband could not focus on me. I was in a marriage that had very little intimacy and endured it for 17 years so in this new marriage I deserve it, right? The real estate industry has been tough for 2 years and I have made it through this so I deserve to reap all the benefits as the recovery has begun, right? Where is the line between feeling entitled and having passion to go for what you want? When does desire and dreaming become entitlement and narcissistic?
I do not know the answer and I am looking for opinions from others. I do know that to stay out of fear and to stay in love is the first step. And I do know that I will never give up dreaming or my passion for what it is I want to give to the world. Maybe I will just have to check in with myself more often with the question, “do I feel a sense of entitlement to this goal or dream”?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Living with Chronic Pain
Most people that know me would never have guessed that I have lived with chronic pain for most of my life. On the outside I am happy active and generally optimistic. The pain I have suffered has been a result of my digestive system. I can not tell you at what age it started but I do remember at a very young age accepting the fact that I had inherited this condition from my grandmother. I have been diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome and poor circulation) through visiting a series of traditional and alternative medical professionals. Up unit this past month my life revolved around my stomach and the pain that I experience.
I met Cheryl a couple of years ago. We immediately connected and both had a strong feeling that there was a purpose for our meeting and that this purpose would be larger then the both of us. During this time Cheryl has become a dear friend. I had often felt saddened that we could not spend more time together. Like most girl friends schedules seem to be the culprit for not getting together as often as you would like. This is true of Cheryl and I but there is one other reason; Cheryl also lives with chronic pain. In fact her pain was so severe that it actually made mine seem irrelevant. Cheryl lived with chronic pain in all of her joints which often left her not wanting to leave the house. She has been diagnosed with arthritis and has been to see every person that vows to have any type of possible cure. She has tried so many things that every time we did meet I was anxious to hear her latest possible remedy and hope for relief.
Just a few short months ago she called me and said that she thought she had found the solution. She said she was researching it and when she felt comfortable with what she found she would share. Could it be possible I thought? And could it help me? Within a few weeks she had researched the product and was using it. We got together for lunch and she shared with me the concept and I was completely surprised. It was not anything you ingest or digest. It did not include meditation or any type of chanting. So what was it? The way I describe it is Spanks on steroids with an orthopedic twist. The official name is Body Magic.
Cheryl went on to say that she had been wearing if for a couple weeks and felt really good. She looked good too. She was cautious and so was I. A month went by and we met for lunch. Cheryl looked fantastic. She immediately said she felt healed. She filled me in on her progress which included a few days without her Body Magic which put her pain back in light so she was now 100% confident that it would change her life. OK I was ready.
I have been wearing mine for six weeks and I feel like a totally different person. I do not ever remember being able to sit still and not feel pain. Maybe the reason I have kept so active. I have been sleeping through the night which is a miracle. In the past my stomach would create so much pain it would wake me several times. Like Cheryl I have tried everything. This past year has been the hardest. I had stopped eating after 6:00 at night so I can get some sort of resemblance to sleep. I had stopped eating large meals at anytime during the day. I had made drinking digestive teas a daily habit. And most of you know that I eat an extremely good diet. Being married to a vegetarian has taken virtually all red meat from my diet and replaced it with an abundance of fruit and vegetables. I shop for organic all natural foods whenever possible and yet it had made little difference.
As I write this letter to you I am on a flight with my children to England. We are spending the new year celebration in London. In the past this would be very stressful for me. I would be worrying about my stomach and whether I would be able to enjoy the vacation with them. And now I sit here with my stomach absolutely pain free. My thoughts are on the future not just this trip but the rest of my life. The most amazing thing is how open my mind is to think about all that is possible living a life free of pain.
Oh and my last thoughts I would like to share is like wearing Spanks I look fantastic. I fit into all my jeans with room to spare and feel reunited with my body that I actually like. Can you believe after holiday season full of food that you can feel fabulous? Whether you live with pain or simply want to look and feel fantastic you can too. For more information on Body Magic call me. I am determined to help others begin to live life fully.
I met Cheryl a couple of years ago. We immediately connected and both had a strong feeling that there was a purpose for our meeting and that this purpose would be larger then the both of us. During this time Cheryl has become a dear friend. I had often felt saddened that we could not spend more time together. Like most girl friends schedules seem to be the culprit for not getting together as often as you would like. This is true of Cheryl and I but there is one other reason; Cheryl also lives with chronic pain. In fact her pain was so severe that it actually made mine seem irrelevant. Cheryl lived with chronic pain in all of her joints which often left her not wanting to leave the house. She has been diagnosed with arthritis and has been to see every person that vows to have any type of possible cure. She has tried so many things that every time we did meet I was anxious to hear her latest possible remedy and hope for relief.
Just a few short months ago she called me and said that she thought she had found the solution. She said she was researching it and when she felt comfortable with what she found she would share. Could it be possible I thought? And could it help me? Within a few weeks she had researched the product and was using it. We got together for lunch and she shared with me the concept and I was completely surprised. It was not anything you ingest or digest. It did not include meditation or any type of chanting. So what was it? The way I describe it is Spanks on steroids with an orthopedic twist. The official name is Body Magic.
Cheryl went on to say that she had been wearing if for a couple weeks and felt really good. She looked good too. She was cautious and so was I. A month went by and we met for lunch. Cheryl looked fantastic. She immediately said she felt healed. She filled me in on her progress which included a few days without her Body Magic which put her pain back in light so she was now 100% confident that it would change her life. OK I was ready.
I have been wearing mine for six weeks and I feel like a totally different person. I do not ever remember being able to sit still and not feel pain. Maybe the reason I have kept so active. I have been sleeping through the night which is a miracle. In the past my stomach would create so much pain it would wake me several times. Like Cheryl I have tried everything. This past year has been the hardest. I had stopped eating after 6:00 at night so I can get some sort of resemblance to sleep. I had stopped eating large meals at anytime during the day. I had made drinking digestive teas a daily habit. And most of you know that I eat an extremely good diet. Being married to a vegetarian has taken virtually all red meat from my diet and replaced it with an abundance of fruit and vegetables. I shop for organic all natural foods whenever possible and yet it had made little difference.
As I write this letter to you I am on a flight with my children to England. We are spending the new year celebration in London. In the past this would be very stressful for me. I would be worrying about my stomach and whether I would be able to enjoy the vacation with them. And now I sit here with my stomach absolutely pain free. My thoughts are on the future not just this trip but the rest of my life. The most amazing thing is how open my mind is to think about all that is possible living a life free of pain.
Oh and my last thoughts I would like to share is like wearing Spanks I look fantastic. I fit into all my jeans with room to spare and feel reunited with my body that I actually like. Can you believe after holiday season full of food that you can feel fabulous? Whether you live with pain or simply want to look and feel fantastic you can too. For more information on Body Magic call me. I am determined to help others begin to live life fully.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Intimacy - How do you stay connected?
What does staying connected mean to me?
I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.
It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.
One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.
The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.
When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.
Suggestions to facilitate connection
*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations
I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.
It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.
One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.
The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.
When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.
Suggestions to facilitate connection
*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I know you love me but do you like me?
Recently I was having a conversation with my x husband about his frustrations with our children. He was very frustrated with our daughter making comments about coming to live with me full time (we split custody currently). At one point he said, “I suppose that you will win this one as well”. He was referring to our older son who decided going into his senior year of high school to spend it living with me full time. Knowing how my children feel about their father, I suggested that he focus on the similarities between the two and their feelings towards him. I asked him if he liked our son. He looked bewildered and after a few minutes he said, “of course I love him”. I went on to describe how I really like our son. I told him that I admire his determination, gentleness and kindness. And I told him that if I were his age I would want to hang out and be his friend. I watched my x husbands face and realized he had no clue why I was telling him this. What did liking him have to do with why his children and I did not see that he was right?
My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.
My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.
Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.
For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.
My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.
My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.
Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.
For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Love Dare
A simple definition of unconditional love is: love without condition. A simple play on words and seems easy right? But we know that this is perhaps one of the hardest things for us to learn and demonstrate consistently. We may get the definition and feel that we are quite good at it. Then as soon as we go back to living our lives unconsciously we also go back to loving with condition. It is as automatic as breathing. Can we learn to breathe differently? Can we live consciously? I found this definition of “conscious” that seems to fit best: having an awareness of one's environment and one's own existence, sensations, and thoughts. So to love unconditionally we must be conscious. That does not seem too hard, does it?
A few months ago my husband and I watched a movie called, “Fireproof”. We all know the story of Jesus and his ability to love unconditionally. However, until seeing the movie I really had no idea how that must have felt day in and day out. In the past when I have seen movies about Jesus I did experience the feeling of sheer exhaustion; everyday giving love with no expectation of it coming back, not even in some other form channeled through someone else, absolutely nothing in return. The movie depicts this in real life through a marriage. It is so difficult watching this man who is given a challenge (from his father) to show unconditional love to his wife everyday for 40 days. The man struggles with committing but ultimately does not for his wife but for his father. The love dare begins. On the 43rd day the man’s wife brings to his attention that the “game” is over. He realizes that he loves unconditionally automatically. It is now a habit and has become as easy as breathing. It is now a part of who he is. I was intrigued and curious but confused at where to begin.
I was in the bookstore looking for a new book to bring on vacation and came across a book called, “The Love Dare” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick from the movie. Immediately I thought this is God’s plan for me so I bought it. I have been posting my experience on Facebook and to follow are my posts so far.
Day 1 Love is patient. I waited until vacation to start the dare and being on vacation for day 1 was difficult. It took over 24 hours to get to Hawaii. Practicing patient after sitting hours in airports, car rental lines, hotel parking ramp being closed and room keys not working all while being VERY hungry (and 2 very hungry tired teenagers) was very difficult.
Day 2 Love is kind. I demonstrated kindness to 2 strangers today by being present with them. Found out that they are amazing people who are just about to do something amazing. I realized that connecting with others takes less energy and gives life.
Day 3 Love is not selfish. Spent the day with my kids. As my daughter said, "Mom this one is easy for you". Yes you put your needs aside for the kids but is it from not being selfish or is it from being accommodating. Two very different things. Sometimes we may do what we think is unselfish acts or is there an underlining motive?
Day 4 Love is Thoughtful. I am blessed to have the natural skill to be multi relational. Being thoughtful is easy for me. But what is not is having the patience with those that are not. Back to Day #1 and that patience thing. Obviously where my work is.
Day 5 Love is Not Rude. Today's exercise was to find out if I do things to others that make them uncomfortable by asking a loved one for 3 behaviors that I do that they would like me to change. I found it not too surprising but the suggestions on how to change was a helpful discussion. I dare you to try this.
Day 6 Love is Not irritable. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in loving ways instead of with irritation. Two reasons why people get irritable; stress and selfishness. When life squeezes you to you pour out a sour response like a lemon or a sweet response like a peach?
Day 7 Love believes the best. Two list one of positive attributes of your spouse and one with negatives. Focus on one of the positives for the day and thank your spouse for it. This helps to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not-This love dare thing is getting harder.
Day 8 Love is not jealous. This one was easier. Love is not selfish and puts others first. Being a Mom I am use to that. Maybe I do not get jealous but I definitely could invest more time into celebrating others successes. I spent considerable time celebrating 2 of my husband’s successes and he appreciated it. Try this one on your spouse. Celebrate their successes this weekend.
So this is where I am day 9. I have committed to the process but I have given myself the chance to call a day off. After the 3rd day I realized the depth of what I had committed to and gave myself the gift of patience. There are days that I feel confident that I can finish and then there have been days when I want to give up. For me it is not hard to show love but the unconditional part stops me in my tracks. There is a reason that at the 4th day I got frustrated. That is when I hit the wall. I reflected on this “4th day” pattern and how it constantly shows up in my relationship with my husband. There have been numerous weekends spent together where we just spontaneously see what will happen in the moment. In fact the weekend itself is not planned thoroughly or discussed in any detail until it is upon us. I often enjoy the first 2 days but when I hit the end of the 3rd day I realize that my needs of planning and dreaming of the future have not been met I feel unloved. In fact the next day which is typically the 4th day I begin withholding my love in contempt.
My husband fears commitment hence lives in the moment most of the time. He finds planning difficult as well as discussions on dreams or visions of the future. I love to plan and dream about the future. In fact, attending strategic planning or visioning meeting at work is one of my favorite things to do. This obviously plays a role in our challenges within the marriage. So what is it about the 4th day and how do I get through it? I have spent literally hundreds of hours trying to answer this question and now I have the answer. Coming from a place of unconditional love there should be no difference from the 1st day and the 4th day. But coming from my reality, I need my needs met. On the 4th day I believe it should be my turn. Now that is eye opening. Have I been giving love conditionally all these years? I truly yearn to reach a point where I do not realize that I am upon the 4th day. I know that in order to get what you want you first have to give it but in the past I had not thought about unconditional love this way. And I do want to be loved unconditionally. I will continue to hit the wall from time to time. However I am committed to getting through all 40 days and I do know that walls are put in front of us to see how badly we want something. The wall is not put there to give up. So off to the 9th day and the hope that God gives me the chance to see what is in store on the 40th day. What are you waiting for? Take the love dare and start today.
A few months ago my husband and I watched a movie called, “Fireproof”. We all know the story of Jesus and his ability to love unconditionally. However, until seeing the movie I really had no idea how that must have felt day in and day out. In the past when I have seen movies about Jesus I did experience the feeling of sheer exhaustion; everyday giving love with no expectation of it coming back, not even in some other form channeled through someone else, absolutely nothing in return. The movie depicts this in real life through a marriage. It is so difficult watching this man who is given a challenge (from his father) to show unconditional love to his wife everyday for 40 days. The man struggles with committing but ultimately does not for his wife but for his father. The love dare begins. On the 43rd day the man’s wife brings to his attention that the “game” is over. He realizes that he loves unconditionally automatically. It is now a habit and has become as easy as breathing. It is now a part of who he is. I was intrigued and curious but confused at where to begin.
I was in the bookstore looking for a new book to bring on vacation and came across a book called, “The Love Dare” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick from the movie. Immediately I thought this is God’s plan for me so I bought it. I have been posting my experience on Facebook and to follow are my posts so far.
Day 1 Love is patient. I waited until vacation to start the dare and being on vacation for day 1 was difficult. It took over 24 hours to get to Hawaii. Practicing patient after sitting hours in airports, car rental lines, hotel parking ramp being closed and room keys not working all while being VERY hungry (and 2 very hungry tired teenagers) was very difficult.
Day 2 Love is kind. I demonstrated kindness to 2 strangers today by being present with them. Found out that they are amazing people who are just about to do something amazing. I realized that connecting with others takes less energy and gives life.
Day 3 Love is not selfish. Spent the day with my kids. As my daughter said, "Mom this one is easy for you". Yes you put your needs aside for the kids but is it from not being selfish or is it from being accommodating. Two very different things. Sometimes we may do what we think is unselfish acts or is there an underlining motive?
Day 4 Love is Thoughtful. I am blessed to have the natural skill to be multi relational. Being thoughtful is easy for me. But what is not is having the patience with those that are not. Back to Day #1 and that patience thing. Obviously where my work is.
Day 5 Love is Not Rude. Today's exercise was to find out if I do things to others that make them uncomfortable by asking a loved one for 3 behaviors that I do that they would like me to change. I found it not too surprising but the suggestions on how to change was a helpful discussion. I dare you to try this.
Day 6 Love is Not irritable. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in loving ways instead of with irritation. Two reasons why people get irritable; stress and selfishness. When life squeezes you to you pour out a sour response like a lemon or a sweet response like a peach?
Day 7 Love believes the best. Two list one of positive attributes of your spouse and one with negatives. Focus on one of the positives for the day and thank your spouse for it. This helps to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not-This love dare thing is getting harder.
Day 8 Love is not jealous. This one was easier. Love is not selfish and puts others first. Being a Mom I am use to that. Maybe I do not get jealous but I definitely could invest more time into celebrating others successes. I spent considerable time celebrating 2 of my husband’s successes and he appreciated it. Try this one on your spouse. Celebrate their successes this weekend.
So this is where I am day 9. I have committed to the process but I have given myself the chance to call a day off. After the 3rd day I realized the depth of what I had committed to and gave myself the gift of patience. There are days that I feel confident that I can finish and then there have been days when I want to give up. For me it is not hard to show love but the unconditional part stops me in my tracks. There is a reason that at the 4th day I got frustrated. That is when I hit the wall. I reflected on this “4th day” pattern and how it constantly shows up in my relationship with my husband. There have been numerous weekends spent together where we just spontaneously see what will happen in the moment. In fact the weekend itself is not planned thoroughly or discussed in any detail until it is upon us. I often enjoy the first 2 days but when I hit the end of the 3rd day I realize that my needs of planning and dreaming of the future have not been met I feel unloved. In fact the next day which is typically the 4th day I begin withholding my love in contempt.
My husband fears commitment hence lives in the moment most of the time. He finds planning difficult as well as discussions on dreams or visions of the future. I love to plan and dream about the future. In fact, attending strategic planning or visioning meeting at work is one of my favorite things to do. This obviously plays a role in our challenges within the marriage. So what is it about the 4th day and how do I get through it? I have spent literally hundreds of hours trying to answer this question and now I have the answer. Coming from a place of unconditional love there should be no difference from the 1st day and the 4th day. But coming from my reality, I need my needs met. On the 4th day I believe it should be my turn. Now that is eye opening. Have I been giving love conditionally all these years? I truly yearn to reach a point where I do not realize that I am upon the 4th day. I know that in order to get what you want you first have to give it but in the past I had not thought about unconditional love this way. And I do want to be loved unconditionally. I will continue to hit the wall from time to time. However I am committed to getting through all 40 days and I do know that walls are put in front of us to see how badly we want something. The wall is not put there to give up. So off to the 9th day and the hope that God gives me the chance to see what is in store on the 40th day. What are you waiting for? Take the love dare and start today.
What do we all want?
I found this and wanted to share. It has inspired me and motivated me to write again. Enjoy.
I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be.
I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom, or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.
I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am. I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment.
I make no judgment of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution, then I would deny that right to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me for all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved; as I sow, so I shall reap.
I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and might judge it to be unworthy. And yet, it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God.
I cannot always see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path.
I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need to be only one person. I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.
The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep within every person, and every tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional love.
by Sandy Stevenson - Ascension 2000
A Definition of Unconditional Love
Love without condition
Love without condition
I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be.
I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom, or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.
I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am. I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment.
I make no judgment of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution, then I would deny that right to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me for all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved; as I sow, so I shall reap.
I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and might judge it to be unworthy. And yet, it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God.
I cannot always see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path.
I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need to be only one person. I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.
The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep within every person, and every tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional love.
by Sandy Stevenson - Ascension 2000
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