So Whose Birthday is it Anyway?

Last week I was returning from Las Vegas (I went to get away from the snow and got snowed in) and sat next to a woman who reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas. She asked me this simple question, “When did Americans come to think that Christmas is a second time in the year to celebrate their own birthday?” We had a great discussion about the true meaning of Christmas and that the only birthday we should be celebrating on December 25th is that of Jesus (well OK there are some folks who are fortunate to have this holy day as their birthday-my niece Mariah does-Happy Birthday Mariah). After a good hour of conversation we agreed that the true meaning of Christmas is about giving to others. Since the conversation I have done some deep reflecting on what “giving” is all about.

I started thinking about people I know that have “given” something to someone that was totally unexpected; unconditional. A month ago my friend, Liz and I met for a holiday drink to catch up on our lives. As we prepared to leave we were engaging in a deep conversation on our way to the door. As I approached to open the door I realized that I had lost her. I looked behind me to find her hugging a young girl that was clearly emotionally distraught. Liz was consoling her and the young girl continued to shed tears. I walked back and attempted to consol her as well. After a few minutes we got her to smile and she thanked us. As Liz and I walked towards the door, I asked her who her friend was. She answered, “Oh that was not a friend I do not know her”. I was taken aback. I just assumed the way she had opened her heart to this young girl that she had to have known her. Liz just looked at me and said, “She just looked like she needed a hug”. This was a pure loving gift that did not come in a new shiny wrapped box. It was given from her heart with the intention of giving to someone else for nothing in return. How often to we give unconditionally? Yes, Christmas has always been about giving. I have always done my fair share of charitable giving at Christmas and throughout the year. But I can honestly say that giving in the spur of the moment at the most inconvenient time for me is not a gift that I have given often enough. And sometimes the simplest gifts can mean the most at the perfect timing of someone else. So is unconditional love about timing? Is it about seeing a situation from another’s point of view? Is it about giving what someone else needs not what we think they need?

This left me in a confused state of mind for Christmas. I felt a need to go about this Christmas completely different. So I downplayed the glamour and the typical traditions. There were fewer presents and I did not even send out Christmas cards (the first time in 25 years). I spent more time one on one with those that I love, gave out more hugs and spent time thinking about all that I am grateful for. I thanked God for providing for each and every one of us and most of all for birth of Christ as a reminder of what is most important in life; giving to others.

Pink Slips

These are tough times. For me it is the toughest time I have been through. I have always said that being your own boss is great because you have control over your destiny. This is true since I have yet to receive a pink slip. However, I will be honest and tell you that there are days that I wish I would find a big shiny pink slip in my mailbox. If you are a true believer in everything happens for a reason, a pink slip just could be that kick you need to change.

So if you are in charge of your own pink slip how do you come to the conclusion that change has come your way and it is time to embrace it? Two years ago when I was looking at the change that was imminent in the mortgage and real estate business I began to prepare. It was time to downsize and trim expenses. My real estate team was prepared for the storm. So we thought.

The year 2008 brought the ultimate financial storm. The mortgage industry came to a halt. Foreclosures began to show their ugly face. The stock market took the ride down faster then anyone could imagine. These events are not going to leave anyone unscathed. The unemployment numbers are just starting to rise. I have watched my peers leave the industry in staggering numbers. I even lost a friend in the mortgage industry to a heart attack. The phone rarely rings and days become longer and lonelier. But still no pink slip for me.

Is it time to wave the white flag? Is the real estate industry coming back anytime soon? Do I need to write my own pink slip? This is the time that we all need examine who we are, what skills we have, where our hearts are currently and what direction it wants us to follow.

I have spent countless hours reflecting and it has not all been torture. I have taken time to enjoy my husbands travel benefits. I have spent hours driving from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas and then to Los Angeles. I just got back from spending time on the beach alone. It is important for me to go into the holiday season with some sense of direction. I am writing today to tell you that I will not be writing my pink slip. I have 15 years experience in the real estate industry. I have been fortunate to get a very wide range of experience within the industry. I am passionate about helping people. I know that home is where the heart is. Whether that home is temporary or permanent and whether it is for your family or your business. My skills and values make this job of being a real estate advisor perfect for me. Yes change is inevitable. The real estate and mortgage industries have changed and will never resemble what any of us had come accustom to. Things seem to be settling down or it just may be the eye of the storm. Either way my heart is telling me loud and clear that I will be riding the storm out. I am prepared for it to look different and I am excited for the opportunity to embrace change outside of my control. Whether you have received a pink slip or not, this is the time that we get to practice asking for and giving help at the same time getting a lesson in letting go and reaching for faith. It is a time for us to remember where we came from. We are Americans. Obstacles and hardship is what we were born of. As you go in to the holiday season be grateful for all that you have received, even if it was pink.

Finding Your Way Back Home Where Your Heart Is

Since starting "Messages for Women" I have been pleasantly suprised with the men in my life wanting to help. I am not sure if it is simply the fact that it is for women only, thus the elimination of them makes them want to be involved. Or the fact that if women help each other, a certain amount of responsibility to fill our needs will be released from them, providing a sense of relief.

One of my closest male friends and I got into an interesting conversation just the other day. He indicated that he sees my initiative as a way to get back to basics of traditional roles that men and women have that are based on our inherent natural skills and desires. After a few minutes of discussion we concluded that men are born naturally to provide and protect. And women are born to connect and nuture. He went on to say that he really wants to receive that female nurturing and connection and really has the desire to provide and protect. He has been looking for it his whole life and is having a difficult time finding a women who is open to receiving it. He also went on to say that he is always willing support and encourage (which he does for me) women to have meaningful careers and that does not need to change the natural difference between how men and women show love. I do agree that men can love but do show it much differently. He may be on to something (by the way ladies he is single).

What I am hung up on is whether most men want to show their love through providing and protecting. I realize that it just may be my experience. Most of the men in my life (from my father to my current husband) up until recently have not shown this desire. After spending Thanksgiving with my 18 year old son I just might have seen some natural instincts come out that might prove me wrong. This is the first year that he has come to visit versus living in my home. He is now a man. I felt some changes in him. I can feel his desire to provide and protect through the change in his priorities and by what he is needing from me. He asked me to teach him to cook. He asked if I wanted some chocolate ice cream and wanted to stop at the store to bring it home for us. He asked several times what our plans were and was eager to help. He is no longer shy about hugs and "I love you's" (even in front of his friends-well except for writing on his wall in Facebook-off limits for me). He has always had a soft heart so this is not a surprise. It just seems to have presented itself openly so quickly.

So maybe my friend is correct. Men do naturally want to provide and protect. And maybe over the last 50 years; during women's bra burning, bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan, has left men confused. Maybe I have not experienced the giving of this desire in men in my life because I was too busy to receive it??

So the question we must ask ourself, "How do we support men in finding their way back home to where their heart is?" For me I am getting back to basics and natural instincts; connecting and nurturing.

I am sorry I burned my bra

The other day an amazing friend of mine shared this story. A couple years ago she decided to give the mortgage business a shot. Yes, a tough time to start given what was just beginning to happen in the industry, but she was determined to give it all she had. She had been struggling for a few months getting business generated along with handling the learning curve. Like most of us women she was determined to do it all, successful new career, supporting wife and phenomenal mother. One morning she had to drag herself to work. She had been up most of the night with her sick daughter. Instead of taking the day off, she was determined to build this new business so off she went with bags under her eyes. Within a couple hours a coworker, a generation older, made her way to her desk. She interrupted her and said, “I am sorry”. She preceded to say she was a feminist in the 60’s and burned her bra to put the women of today in this place and for that she is truly sorry.

My friend looked at me and said, “Are we suppose to believe it was the fault of the women before us?” I responded with a flat NO. We are evolving and that was an important era that was to happen exactly that way. What is most important is that we stop this phenomenon with our daughters. It is imperative that we show them that being a woman does not mean we do it all at the high price of losing ourselves. They do not have to live with the mantra: We bring home the bacon; we fry it up in a pan and never never let you forget you’re a man. When and where did we decide that our natural instinct to nurture was not enough? The answer is not important. What is important is that we do have breast and that whether you wear a bra or not does not define who we are. With the support of one Mother to another Mother, we can begin accepting our mind, bodies and spirit just as they are. Don’t you think the world could use some nurturing?

Supportive versus supporting

I have been reflecting on the difference between these words and wondering how they relate to the relationship between women. First of all we as women know what being supportive is. The maternal nature that we vibrate is always supportive. We are supportive of are husbands (even when they may not deserve it). We are supportive of are co-workers. In general our dna creates this in us. Now let's look at the other word. The definition of the two are as follows:
Supporting: upholding, aiding, shielding, promoting
Supportive: furnishing support or assistance
These two words are indeed similar but very different. Being supporting provides an "in the moment" very hands out visual. Versus being supportive which is creates more of a "hands off" visual. Think about this when it comes to your children (which is why I did not include this above). We are way more then supportive to our children. We are supporting. Now that gives you a different visual and quite a different feeling (you can feel the weight in your shoulders and neck). And we also tend to be more supporting then supportive in our role with our aging parents. Necessarily so.
So maybe when you see the woman standing where you stood you hesitate to help. Could it be that we are so supporting in some relationships that we just do not have any energy left. And that being generally supportive is all that we have. Think about people in your life who have been supportive. Now think about people who might be supporting you. And finally maybe we tend to be shy to be actively supporting because we have a hard time accepting someone supporting us???
The other night I was at a function for my husband's work and I met a wife of one of his co-workers. She is also a real estate agent. We began exchanging stories of what we were going through. She said, "I have never been in a place where my husband has had to be supporting me financiall" and then she finished by, "I find it really uncomfortable". Wow! It was like she was the voice in my head coming out of her mouth. Ouch. I think I found out why I have been feeling a sense of desparation. After all these years of supporting others maybe I need to accept that it is time for me to allow others to give the same.
Any thoughts out there?

THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

It make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way the kids will walk into the room while I'm in the throws of dinner and ask if I know where their math book is. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm making dinner?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm cooking, or doing laundry, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you bring my shoes to school? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm an expert at the rights of Americans to ask, how do I fill out an absentee ballot?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied math and the mind that was the first out of 40+ cousins to graduate from college from my father’s side - but now they had disappeared into the Thanksgiving turkey, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

If you have traveled Europe you know there are great cathedrals that took so long to build that the original people who started them were not the same that finished them. Can you imagine building such greatness and knowing that you will not get anything in your lifetime in return? Some of these historic buildings have no records as to who actually built them. These builders gave their whole lives for work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was produced by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction but it is not a disease. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

I don't want my child to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 6 in the morning and makes my lunch, and then she washes the clothes and cleans the house.' That would mean I'd built a shrine to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you’re gonna love it there.'

As women, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Leadership a man's way - Is it the right way?

In my quest to empower women to help other women through inspirational messages (my goal 500 in 30 days so please help) I have had great learning about women through men (yes I said men). I just returned from a weekend with friends in New York. I had the opportunity to meet a wonderful couple who shared their story openly. A very unlikely couple at first glance but after learning their story you very quickly realized their common bond, which was the power of intention. She an exotic beauty that is passionate about empowering young women through some very interesting initiatives along with being a very talented musician, and he a very prominent attorney with an office in the Empire State building (best way to tour the building). I had the opportunity for a one on one conversation with him regarding women and the lack of support amongst strong successful business women. We had ended up on a discussion about leadership. We got there through discussing women in politics (Hilary Clinton to be exact) and ended up with the question of why women are hesitant to support other women in attaining powerful leadership positions. His perspective was that the current leadership model in the US was created by predominantly white men and women for some reason think they have to use that model to attain leadership positions. He went on to add that his felt women could bring amazing things to the idea of leadership if they only focused on using their true essence. So what innate skills to women have that would add tremendous value to the current leadership model developed by men? My first thoughts are of multi tasking skills. It is widely accepted that women have the ability to multi task much more easily then men. My second thought is compassion. Yes women have a sense of compassion for community that lends itself to excellent team building. And finally we can not leave out the natural ability to nurture. My question to for us to consider is had our country been lead by a leadership model that had these skills that are inherent in women along with what traditionally is thought of as true leadership skills, what might our country look like today. And my final question is what can we as women do today to become leaders using our true essence versus assuming that we must conform to the leadership models of the past? Give today by sending a message of inspiration to women. Just click on the image to the right. Thank you for making a difference.

Sow Sparingly Reap Sparingly Sow Generously Reap Generously