The Love Dare

A simple definition of unconditional love is: love without condition. A simple play on words and seems easy right? But we know that this is perhaps one of the hardest things for us to learn and demonstrate consistently. We may get the definition and feel that we are quite good at it. Then as soon as we go back to living our lives unconsciously we also go back to loving with condition. It is as automatic as breathing. Can we learn to breathe differently? Can we live consciously? I found this definition of “conscious” that seems to fit best: having an awareness of one's environment and one's own existence, sensations, and thoughts. So to love unconditionally we must be conscious. That does not seem too hard, does it?

A few months ago my husband and I watched a movie called, “Fireproof”. We all know the story of Jesus and his ability to love unconditionally. However, until seeing the movie I really had no idea how that must have felt day in and day out. In the past when I have seen movies about Jesus I did experience the feeling of sheer exhaustion; everyday giving love with no expectation of it coming back, not even in some other form channeled through someone else, absolutely nothing in return. The movie depicts this in real life through a marriage. It is so difficult watching this man who is given a challenge (from his father) to show unconditional love to his wife everyday for 40 days. The man struggles with committing but ultimately does not for his wife but for his father. The love dare begins. On the 43rd day the man’s wife brings to his attention that the “game” is over. He realizes that he loves unconditionally automatically. It is now a habit and has become as easy as breathing. It is now a part of who he is. I was intrigued and curious but confused at where to begin.

I was in the bookstore looking for a new book to bring on vacation and came across a book called, “The Love Dare” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick from the movie. Immediately I thought this is God’s plan for me so I bought it. I have been posting my experience on Facebook and to follow are my posts so far.

Day 1 Love is patient. I waited until vacation to start the dare and being on vacation for day 1 was difficult. It took over 24 hours to get to Hawaii. Practicing patient after sitting hours in airports, car rental lines, hotel parking ramp being closed and room keys not working all while being VERY hungry (and 2 very hungry tired teenagers) was very difficult.

Day 2 Love is kind. I demonstrated kindness to 2 strangers today by being present with them. Found out that they are amazing people who are just about to do something amazing. I realized that connecting with others takes less energy and gives life.

Day 3 Love is not selfish. Spent the day with my kids. As my daughter said, "Mom this one is easy for you". Yes you put your needs aside for the kids but is it from not being selfish or is it from being accommodating. Two very different things. Sometimes we may do what we think is unselfish acts or is there an underlining motive?

Day 4 Love is Thoughtful. I am blessed to have the natural skill to be multi relational. Being thoughtful is easy for me. But what is not is having the patience with those that are not. Back to Day #1 and that patience thing. Obviously where my work is.

Day 5 Love is Not Rude. Today's exercise was to find out if I do things to others that make them uncomfortable by asking a loved one for 3 behaviors that I do that they would like me to change. I found it not too surprising but the suggestions on how to change was a helpful discussion. I dare you to try this.

Day 6 Love is Not irritable. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in loving ways instead of with irritation. Two reasons why people get irritable; stress and selfishness. When life squeezes you to you pour out a sour response like a lemon or a sweet response like a peach?

Day 7 Love believes the best. Two list one of positive attributes of your spouse and one with negatives. Focus on one of the positives for the day and thank your spouse for it. This helps to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not-This love dare thing is getting harder.

Day 8 Love is not jealous. This one was easier. Love is not selfish and puts others first. Being a Mom I am use to that. Maybe I do not get jealous but I definitely could invest more time into celebrating others successes. I spent considerable time celebrating 2 of my husband’s successes and he appreciated it. Try this one on your spouse. Celebrate their successes this weekend.

So this is where I am day 9. I have committed to the process but I have given myself the chance to call a day off. After the 3rd day I realized the depth of what I had committed to and gave myself the gift of patience. There are days that I feel confident that I can finish and then there have been days when I want to give up. For me it is not hard to show love but the unconditional part stops me in my tracks. There is a reason that at the 4th day I got frustrated. That is when I hit the wall. I reflected on this “4th day” pattern and how it constantly shows up in my relationship with my husband. There have been numerous weekends spent together where we just spontaneously see what will happen in the moment. In fact the weekend itself is not planned thoroughly or discussed in any detail until it is upon us. I often enjoy the first 2 days but when I hit the end of the 3rd day I realize that my needs of planning and dreaming of the future have not been met I feel unloved. In fact the next day which is typically the 4th day I begin withholding my love in contempt.

My husband fears commitment hence lives in the moment most of the time. He finds planning difficult as well as discussions on dreams or visions of the future. I love to plan and dream about the future. In fact, attending strategic planning or visioning meeting at work is one of my favorite things to do. This obviously plays a role in our challenges within the marriage. So what is it about the 4th day and how do I get through it? I have spent literally hundreds of hours trying to answer this question and now I have the answer. Coming from a place of unconditional love there should be no difference from the 1st day and the 4th day. But coming from my reality, I need my needs met. On the 4th day I believe it should be my turn. Now that is eye opening. Have I been giving love conditionally all these years? I truly yearn to reach a point where I do not realize that I am upon the 4th day. I know that in order to get what you want you first have to give it but in the past I had not thought about unconditional love this way. And I do want to be loved unconditionally. I will continue to hit the wall from time to time. However I am committed to getting through all 40 days and I do know that walls are put in front of us to see how badly we want something. The wall is not put there to give up. So off to the 9th day and the hope that God gives me the chance to see what is in store on the 40th day. What are you waiting for? Take the love dare and start today.