I know you love me but do you like me?

Recently I was having a conversation with my x husband about his frustrations with our children. He was very frustrated with our daughter making comments about coming to live with me full time (we split custody currently). At one point he said, “I suppose that you will win this one as well”. He was referring to our older son who decided going into his senior year of high school to spend it living with me full time. Knowing how my children feel about their father, I suggested that he focus on the similarities between the two and their feelings towards him. I asked him if he liked our son. He looked bewildered and after a few minutes he said, “of course I love him”. I went on to describe how I really like our son. I told him that I admire his determination, gentleness and kindness. And I told him that if I were his age I would want to hang out and be his friend. I watched my x husbands face and realized he had no clue why I was telling him this. What did liking him have to do with why his children and I did not see that he was right?

My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.

My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.

Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.

For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.

The Love Dare

A simple definition of unconditional love is: love without condition. A simple play on words and seems easy right? But we know that this is perhaps one of the hardest things for us to learn and demonstrate consistently. We may get the definition and feel that we are quite good at it. Then as soon as we go back to living our lives unconsciously we also go back to loving with condition. It is as automatic as breathing. Can we learn to breathe differently? Can we live consciously? I found this definition of “conscious” that seems to fit best: having an awareness of one's environment and one's own existence, sensations, and thoughts. So to love unconditionally we must be conscious. That does not seem too hard, does it?

A few months ago my husband and I watched a movie called, “Fireproof”. We all know the story of Jesus and his ability to love unconditionally. However, until seeing the movie I really had no idea how that must have felt day in and day out. In the past when I have seen movies about Jesus I did experience the feeling of sheer exhaustion; everyday giving love with no expectation of it coming back, not even in some other form channeled through someone else, absolutely nothing in return. The movie depicts this in real life through a marriage. It is so difficult watching this man who is given a challenge (from his father) to show unconditional love to his wife everyday for 40 days. The man struggles with committing but ultimately does not for his wife but for his father. The love dare begins. On the 43rd day the man’s wife brings to his attention that the “game” is over. He realizes that he loves unconditionally automatically. It is now a habit and has become as easy as breathing. It is now a part of who he is. I was intrigued and curious but confused at where to begin.

I was in the bookstore looking for a new book to bring on vacation and came across a book called, “The Love Dare” by Stephen and Alex Kendrick from the movie. Immediately I thought this is God’s plan for me so I bought it. I have been posting my experience on Facebook and to follow are my posts so far.

Day 1 Love is patient. I waited until vacation to start the dare and being on vacation for day 1 was difficult. It took over 24 hours to get to Hawaii. Practicing patient after sitting hours in airports, car rental lines, hotel parking ramp being closed and room keys not working all while being VERY hungry (and 2 very hungry tired teenagers) was very difficult.

Day 2 Love is kind. I demonstrated kindness to 2 strangers today by being present with them. Found out that they are amazing people who are just about to do something amazing. I realized that connecting with others takes less energy and gives life.

Day 3 Love is not selfish. Spent the day with my kids. As my daughter said, "Mom this one is easy for you". Yes you put your needs aside for the kids but is it from not being selfish or is it from being accommodating. Two very different things. Sometimes we may do what we think is unselfish acts or is there an underlining motive?

Day 4 Love is Thoughtful. I am blessed to have the natural skill to be multi relational. Being thoughtful is easy for me. But what is not is having the patience with those that are not. Back to Day #1 and that patience thing. Obviously where my work is.

Day 5 Love is Not Rude. Today's exercise was to find out if I do things to others that make them uncomfortable by asking a loved one for 3 behaviors that I do that they would like me to change. I found it not too surprising but the suggestions on how to change was a helpful discussion. I dare you to try this.

Day 6 Love is Not irritable. Choose today to react to tough circumstances in loving ways instead of with irritation. Two reasons why people get irritable; stress and selfishness. When life squeezes you to you pour out a sour response like a lemon or a sweet response like a peach?

Day 7 Love believes the best. Two list one of positive attributes of your spouse and one with negatives. Focus on one of the positives for the day and thank your spouse for it. This helps to lead your heart to truly love your spouse. It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not-This love dare thing is getting harder.

Day 8 Love is not jealous. This one was easier. Love is not selfish and puts others first. Being a Mom I am use to that. Maybe I do not get jealous but I definitely could invest more time into celebrating others successes. I spent considerable time celebrating 2 of my husband’s successes and he appreciated it. Try this one on your spouse. Celebrate their successes this weekend.

So this is where I am day 9. I have committed to the process but I have given myself the chance to call a day off. After the 3rd day I realized the depth of what I had committed to and gave myself the gift of patience. There are days that I feel confident that I can finish and then there have been days when I want to give up. For me it is not hard to show love but the unconditional part stops me in my tracks. There is a reason that at the 4th day I got frustrated. That is when I hit the wall. I reflected on this “4th day” pattern and how it constantly shows up in my relationship with my husband. There have been numerous weekends spent together where we just spontaneously see what will happen in the moment. In fact the weekend itself is not planned thoroughly or discussed in any detail until it is upon us. I often enjoy the first 2 days but when I hit the end of the 3rd day I realize that my needs of planning and dreaming of the future have not been met I feel unloved. In fact the next day which is typically the 4th day I begin withholding my love in contempt.

My husband fears commitment hence lives in the moment most of the time. He finds planning difficult as well as discussions on dreams or visions of the future. I love to plan and dream about the future. In fact, attending strategic planning or visioning meeting at work is one of my favorite things to do. This obviously plays a role in our challenges within the marriage. So what is it about the 4th day and how do I get through it? I have spent literally hundreds of hours trying to answer this question and now I have the answer. Coming from a place of unconditional love there should be no difference from the 1st day and the 4th day. But coming from my reality, I need my needs met. On the 4th day I believe it should be my turn. Now that is eye opening. Have I been giving love conditionally all these years? I truly yearn to reach a point where I do not realize that I am upon the 4th day. I know that in order to get what you want you first have to give it but in the past I had not thought about unconditional love this way. And I do want to be loved unconditionally. I will continue to hit the wall from time to time. However I am committed to getting through all 40 days and I do know that walls are put in front of us to see how badly we want something. The wall is not put there to give up. So off to the 9th day and the hope that God gives me the chance to see what is in store on the 40th day. What are you waiting for? Take the love dare and start today.

What do we all want?

I found this and wanted to share. It has inspired me and motivated me to write again. Enjoy.

A Definition of Unconditional Love
Love without condition

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be.

I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom, or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am. I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment.

I make no judgment of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution, then I would deny that right to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me for all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved; as I sow, so I shall reap.

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and might judge it to be unworthy. And yet, it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God.

I cannot always see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path.

I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need to be only one person. I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.

The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep within every person, and every tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional love.
by Sandy Stevenson - Ascension 2000

The Day "I" Got God

Several years ago my friend Joe was conducting a seminar and I witnessed him coach a woman who was experiencing some real emotional pain. She had indicated that she was “stuck” and that she did not understand why. She went on to share that she loves helping people and does so all the time and just does not feel that it comes back to her. Joe asked her if she was open to learning about herself and she said “yes”. In front of hundreds of people I witnessed a woman evolve from a state of fear to love. Joe asked her to describe how it felt when she helped someone. She said she loved seeing the smile and joy on their face when she did something that really was special that she was confident she could give. She went on to say that the feeling that she gets doing things for others was the sole reason for her getting up everyday. Joe then asked her how she felt about others helping her. There was an awkward silence and a major energy shift. I could see and feel the fear in her. She began to describe how she is a very independent person and can do most anything by herself and that she liked it that way. She did not want to be a burden to anyone. There was utter silence in the room. Joe asked her if there are people in her life that may want the opportunity to feel the way she does when she gives. He than asked if she was possibly denying her loved ones the chance to feel this love that comes from giving. She began to cry.

Since that day I have watched that scene over in my head thousands of times. It is better to give then to receive. My own character has been built on these words. In fact, I have been told that I give too much at the expense of my own emotional well being. What is the saying, “too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing”. Living out of balance has been hard work that has not gone without pain for me and for my loved ones. Every time I thought I was open to receiving my ego would turn up the volume. It would say, “Don’t get use to it they are just going to leave anyway”. Then a follow up to that of “you can do it yourself you do not need anyone anyway”. I have done so much self improvement work and all it seemed to do is help my ego create new and more logical variations of those words. The end result always being the same, my loved ones felt shut out, exhausted and hopeless.

I was baptized as an infant raised and confirmed in the Lutheran faith and have always believed in God. However, I have grown over the years more and more frustrated with organized religion. I always strive to stay non judgmental and from my personal experience with organized religion it is just a matter of time before you discover that they have “the right way” to feel God. They make you feel that you do not have the power to find that within yourself and that is control. God is about love and there is nothing loving about control. I will admit that I do believe that some of the techniques they use to assist you in managing your ego (some organizations may refer to ego as the devil) are interesting. For me one tool that resonates is prayer.

So I have tried praying over the years. And what I found is that it leads to asking for “things” rather then stay focus on loving thoughts. I have tried various affirmations that I have picked up over the years listening to spiritual leaders. I have been attracted to this on and off for several years now with no luck of consistency until April of this year. This has been a tough year. My son going to college left me feeling that a part of my heart went with him. My career of being in real estate has been suffering from a financial meltdown and my husband of not even two years has asked to leave so many times so many different ways that I began to not listen. This built a wall that was so tall and deep that prayer just did not seem big enough to tear it down.

Then I got a message from God from two friends about praying. I had met Lois at a couple’s seminar weekend in February and we had a few connections via email after the seminar. I mentioned the struggles my husband and I were having and she said she would pray for us. Then a couple weeks later after a conversation with my friend Liz she said that she would pray for my husband and me as well. At that moment I thought of Joe and the coaching session with the women who could not allow any one around her the chance to help her. I immediately got it. The answer for me is prayer. I have read both of the emails from my friends numerous times taking it in my heart. I then came up with 6 daily prayers having to do with peace, love, faith, and being open to receiving. This time the difference was praying for the ability to receive as a base. Now I can give with the power of being open to receive and the knowledge that some might not be in the place to receive which to me defines unconditional love.

My therapist the other day asked me why I think “I” get God this time. My answer was quick. I now get prayer and how that allows me to reach to God and then to others through God. And that this is my tool and not necessarily everyone’s. I left my therapist’s office and heard the new song by Beyonce' called Halo (lyrics below). I had heard it several times over the previous two weeks and at the time it made me think of my husband and what I would like to say to him. But the words now hit me hard and I immediately starting crying. The words were no longer meant for my husband. They were meant for God.

I feel things more clearly after I pray. The sky seems bluer, sounds seem so crisp and my ego is quiet. I can still see pain but it is no longer within myself. I see it in others and my heart starts pounding like it wants to jump out and help. And then I remember that the person whose pain I see may not be ready to receive. And until they do, my job is to love, support and appreciate what they are trying to give me and the gift I can give them is to receive that unconditionally. So is it really better to give then to receive? Are you giving others around you the chance to love you no matter where they are on their healing journey? Are you giving and loving unconditionally? Is it time to take down your wall?


Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see you halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

Did I Live? Did I Love? Did I Matter?

I have been asking people how they would answer these three questions and it is amazing how it really stops people for a moment to reflect. There are always the fast responders that are thinking in terms of themselves (which those types do a lot of). Their answers are quite entertaining. There are things like “yes - you should have seen me in college” or “I love all the girls” or better yet “I live for my passion (like its tangible)”, “I love nature” and “I love what I do”. This particular response actually made me sad, “they can’t do without me at work so I must matter”. The more reflective types understand that it is not about the logistics of living. It is about living and loving beyond yourself.

After numerous discussions with others I have come up with my unique answers to each. Let’s take each one at a time. Did I live? I lived because I did things that I was afraid of that others thought was crazy. I lived because when the voice in my head said run, I asked why? I lived because I asked for help and accepted help. I lived because I let others have what they wanted while I went without. I lived because I risked relationships to have them. I lived because I brought joy to the lives of people around me regardless if they deserved it. I lived because I seek to understand versus always trying to be understood. I lived in empathy without reckless abandon. I lived because I understand that life is not about obtaining perfection. It is about the journey and that the ups are great and the downs are necessary for growth. Finally, I lived because I accepted the whole package that was given to me by my God and I lived consciously as much as possible as not to take it for granted.

Did I love? Of course I love my husband, parents and my kids. I can say I loved at least one set of grandparents. And I believe those closest to me would say that I am a loving person. But did I love?? I know that when I have live consciously I feel love so deeply that my chest hurts. Living consciously allows my heart to open for not only giving but receiving. Love can not be done unconsciously and when it is it is inauthentic. Authentic love is not the quick “I love you” at the bottom of an email. I have loved someone enough to let go and still I have not given up on love. I have been told I love too much. Can that really happen? I see differences in people as amazing not annoying. I can look into someone’s eyes lovingly and my heart begins to hurt enough to cause tears. Living is to empathy as loving is to compassion. I have loved beyond understanding to making a difference by not just what I say but by what you do.

Did I matter? I recently lost a good friend named Mark. Back several years ago Mark pointed out a fear that kept showing up in my behavior that was holding me back. Because he was living consciously in empathy he was able to see this. And because he loved me he pointed it out and was able to help. Over the next few years I invested a lot of time asking for help from Mark and others to support me with this emotional struggle. It was an amazing time in my life for growth and I was not alone. That was when I felt compassion for the first time. When Mark passed I asked myself, “Did Mark matter”? He made a difference in my life by not just what he said but by what he did. Yes he mattered. Like Mark I have lived consciously with empathy and loved with compassion. So, yes at the end of my journey I will have mattered

This is dedicated to my friend Mark Lindblad. To experience Mark’s contribution in life go to http://www.onyourmarkcoaching.com/
“Death is not extinguishing the light;it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”--Rabindranath Tagore

Enabling the Narcissist

Defined: concerned only with oneself. We all know one, two or maybe even three. Or perhaps our country is full of them. Last week I had a debate with a friend about the government requiring that the CEO of GM step down. He was appalled that the government can do that. I responded with did the CEO deserve it? My friend being a VERY hard worker in fact might be the most productive person I know (one failed marriage to prove it) and rather successful at what he does answered with a quick “yes”. So I asked him if he deserved it why had it not happened before. He looked at me bewildered and never did respond. I added to the conversation that it seems as if all of us through tax dollars had to pay the government to do our dirty work.

A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.

Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.

The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?

First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.

Hope - How do YOU find it?

Last night I watched the movie Milk. It is one of those movies that is up for all these awards but you never got around to seeing it but since it is award worthy you rent it. It was excellent. One of the famous lines in the movie is when Harvey Milk says, "Without hope there is no reason to live". This morning my husband asked me this question, "Where do you find hope"?

I have been reflecting all day on the word hope and what it means. I know that I am very passionate about helping others to find hope. That is easy for me. Whether it is in the real estate field or within my immediate sphere, to watch a persons face or hear it in their voice when they finally find hope is priceless. That feeling keeps me going when I want to give up. I know that this last year it has been hard to get through to people. There are so many people that are not in the right place to receive.

The movie portrays Harvey finding his passion to change the world through changing the way people think of gay rights as being equal to the rights of all citizens. To think that this was 1973 (not that long ago) and that gays had very few rights is unbelievable. They were not allowed to teach children for the fear that our children would turn gay. Can you imagine thinking that children can be taught to be gay? So Harvey found himself in a position to give hope through using politics to represent the gay community in changing legislature for equal rights. What a big job. It seemed impossible. Without hope for freedom I can see how the gay community would think that life would not be worth living. Harvey gave people hope through bringing them a voice to the government through public office. So where does someone like Harvey get their hope? What he did for equal rights in a span of 5 years is amazing. He had to have known where to go to find his own hope.

In my darkest moments I have lost hope and I have felt that life may not be worth it. So I do know the value of hope. So where do I get hope for me? Do I wait for someone else to bring it to me? If I did wait I just might be waiting for a long time. I also know that hope collectively coming from a larger group does bring momentum for amazing change (you will see this in the movie so go rent it today). And to be one to inspire that is what I am passionate about. But I still need hope for me to give me momentum. Where is it? As I relected on my husbands question it seemed so unclear.

Whenever I feel unclear I get clarity. That means to stop "doing" and quiet your mind. To quiet my mind today I decided not to work instead I went to a spiritual center. I love the inspiration messages and I find someone else saying them out loud even more powerful. I also love the music. I left the center renewed. I felt hopeful. Wow! I found it.

So the moral to this story is that it does not matter where others get it. What matters is finding out where you get yours. As Kim Lampe says, "find what fuels you" (check out her website at www.believeactgo.blogspot.com). This next week quiet your mind and reflect on the word "hope" and my wish for you is that you find it.

"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not"

I Know What Happens in 2012 - We Go Right

Every since seeing this video a few months ago on stroke victims I have been fascinated with the human brain. We know that the brain is split in two parts. One side we call “left brained” and the other “right brained”. Studies have shown that a large percentage of men operate from the left and women from the right. We know that the left side is the rational logical side of our brain and the right is relational and emotional.

Our society has been operating vastly from the left for quite a few hundred years. This era has been referred to as the suppression of the female/right side. We know as humans that are nature is to operate with balance; yin/yang, black/white, dark/light but yet we have let the left brain to dominate. Hence the results of our society’s woes of today. This has created the opportunity to play off our right side. How will creating balance change what is going on today?

Let’s discuss humans and their physical forms. We know that our bodies physical existence is dependent on 20 identified amino acids. These 20 are made of combinations of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and hydrogen. Mathematics tells us that there should actually 64 combinations of these four but yet we have only identified 20. Where are the other 44 combinations? And if we could tap into those how would we evolve? What are we missing? Could it be that until we are balanced in our true nature we will not experience our full capabilities? By suppressing the right side of the brain are we holding ourselves back? It is obvious in our physical realities of today that something is surely missing.

In suppressing the right side we have suppressed our emotions. Scientists have proven that there are two emotions in the human brain that is fear or love. You do not have to think to long to realize that fear is not suppressed in our current human existence. It is every where. So are we suppressing love? If we could let it out will it open up our potential for evolution? Will we see more amino acids? It is fascinating to think of the opportunities. Next time fear is staring you in the face, reach for balance by throwing love back at it. It will always win.

He Said I Was Dog Poo

A couple days ago I went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not into you” by myself. A couple years ago when the book came out I refused to read it. My perception was that it would be one of those men bashing books and at the time I was getting married and it just did not fit into my life. So why now did I want to see the movie? First, I love the cast. How can one not think a movie will be worth a few bucks when it has Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Afflack, Scarlett Johansson and more? Second, I knew there was a strong message and I really wanted to see how it may apply to me. And boy was there was a message alright.
The first scene of the movie is a little girl noticing a little boy in the park. As soon as the boy notices her he approaches her and pushes her down. She is still down when she asked why he did it and he says, “Because you stink like dog poo”. He proceeds to say that she not only stinks like dog poo but that she is dog poo. The little girl with tears in her eyes runs to her Mom. Mom gives the little girl a big hug and asks why she is crying. The little girl says, “the boy in the park says I am dog poop”. Her Mom grabs her shoulders looks her in the eyes and says, “Is that true”? The little girl shakes her head no. Mom’s next action emotionally scars the little girl in a way that she will carry for years. Mom says, “boys do that when the like you”. The look on the little girls face is priceless. Now roll that scene out 20 years. She grows up and believes that when men are brash, disrespectful and demeaning it means they must love her. Can you see the pattern? How would things have been different if Mom had stopped after, “Is that true” and had just given her another hug?
What really left me speechless was the fact that I have said similar things to my own daughter. I do not remember my Mother saying similar things to me but I have similar thoughts that have to come from somewhere. I was not told that I was dog poo, but I was told by my Dad that I talk too much and that I did not deserve a nice guy. I was left alone to fend for myself by both my parents which made me feel invisible. I need not go any further to describe the love interests I have been attracted to in my lifetime. I am sure you get the drift.
In the movie the little girl did not stand up for herself. She just ran to her Mom. I got to thinking about how I reacted as a child to similar encounters. And I realized that how one reacts defines your future relationships just as much as the incident itself. I can tell you that I did not stay lying down and did not run to Mom. That would have been the last person I would have told. So what did I do? I would stand up walk up to the boy look him in the eyes and I would say, “You will eventually regret what you just did”. Then I would calmly walk away. Then what happens? Let’s just say the few people in my life that did call me poop (figuratively speaking-I was never actually called poop) still apologize today. My way of getting even is by strategically planning to alienate them and ultimately make them feel invisible. Hmm. Invisible that sounds familiar. How has this served me? Not well. If my partner makes a mistake they regret it and eventually they stay away to avoid getting stung. Would you blame them? I don’t.
After I was finished being hard on myself and my parents, I got to thinking that all parent’s do the best they can given their circumstances. And we all have similar experiences with our care givers so romantic love will always be filled with drama and exposing childhood wounds will be painful. Does it really have to be that way? What do we tell that little girl who is lying on the ground who just got called dog poo? We tell her to stand up, look him in the eyes lovingly with sympathy and tell him that it is unfortunate that he treats people that way and that she is not dog poo. Then she should walk away confidently. We cannot protect our kids from these inevitable childhood encounters but we can prepare them. As adults we can go to all kinds of therapy, spend money on relationships seminars and read books on the subject to our hearts desire but our world still remains wounded. The key to healing our culture is through our children. The next generation does not need to carry on our wounds and they do not deserve to see themselves as dog poo. The next time you see a child either on the receiving end or sending end of a typical childhood bullish encounter, remember that this incident can define their relationships for years to come. Do something from love and compassion, even if that something is a hug.

Facebook - It’s Not Just Just a Pretty Face

I recently attended a networking happy hour and found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation about Facebook. I had started it by sharing that I had an appointment the next morning that resulted from someone from my past finding me on Facebook. Before I had a chance to explain how I knew him (I had interviewed him for a loan officer position when I owned a mortgage company years ago) the comments came flying out. I heard things like; did you know that they kicked 90,000 perverts off Facebook today. I heard frustrations about having to check another mail box every day. I heard about how the people on Facebook are only interested in posting silly photos of them doing things other than work. I heard comments on how this was a tool for Mom’s to stalk their kids and how their employers banned the use of Facebook at work. Numerous people concluded that this was a tool that could never be used for business and would eventually lose its momentum.

I recall a very similar conversation in the mid nineties when it came to obtaining information on homes for sale on the internet. I was new to getting my real estate license and a coworker saw me sending home information through my email to a prospective Bed & Breakfast buyer. He spared no time in suggesting to me that this was a terrible idea. That I should NEVER give prospects too much information and that this computer emailing thing would run its course and go away (he preceded to hand me one of those huge MLS paper books that were outdated the minute they were printed). I reacted the same way then as I did at this networking event, quietly giggled knowing that I have a tool that I plan to use for business that others will take years to accept and moved the conversation along.

Several years ago a good friend and mentor assisted me in creating a website that was intended to create and maintain human connections amongst people in a community. This tool would be a way to create communication between people, list events and supply community information. Hey that sounds like Facebook. I guess we were ahead of our time.

I will admit that my first reason to join Facebook was to watch my kids. The word “stalking” is too strong; however I have been banned from writing on their wall (I did not even know what a wall was- now I am flustered about poking). I can tell you that I quickly got over my initial fear of this new communication tool and now I see the enormous potential for personal and professional use. I have been “granted permission” to connect with people that I have tried over several years to connect with that are friends of friends of mine. It has been a great tool to assist me in writing my book and promoting my blog. I have been using it to keep my friends abreast of what is happening in the real estate industry. It has resulted in reconnecting with people that I met in business years ago that I had wished to remain in touch with but life just happened and our connection withered. Last but not least it allows me to quickly see what my friends are up to and make quick comments to let them know that I am thinking about them. I think this is a great way to stay connected. You may or may not choose to ride the Facebook wave; however just like emailing you just may someday find yourself having to set up a profile as a requirement to be accepted into a personal or professional group. If you are on Facebook look me up and let’s stay connected. Until next time remember that we enjoy the beauty of a butterfly, but rarely acknowledge the changes it has gone through to achieve its amazing beauty.

Castaway

Have you ever felt like you are alone on an island? Some people physically create their lives that way. Some people create emotional barriers resulting in being alone. And sometimes things happen in life that leaves you alone temporarily physically and emotionally.
This past week I pulled notes out from a team building meeting that I had organized for my team almost 10 years ago. A third party came in to facilitate. The first exercise he conducted was about a visualization technique in which we imagined being left on a tropical island. There were roles on the island and we had to discuss who was going to do what and why. The last thing was finding a raft that would allow one person to get back. We had to each write down who would be the one and why. And then we had to write why we did not pick each of the others. Then of course share it with the group. There were 7 of us and you could not vote yourself as the one for the raft adventure. So who was chosen the lucky one to go back on the raft? Yep it was me. So how did that make me feel? Ironically I had just seen the movie Castaway. If you have seen the movie the trip back on the raft was a long and torturous. In fact I remember thinking that I would have considered staying back on the island and living on coconuts. I felt honored, humbled and overwhelmed. My team felt that I would be the most likely to make it back on the raft and the most likely to change the world once I got back. It was obvious that they had more confidence in me then I had. Once the session was over I was relieved. I was relieved because the situation was never going to happen. Or so I thought.
Looking back over this past year it could be described as a torturous raft adventure. I started on a cozy relaxing tropical paradise with a team of competent individuals who slowly over time disappeared. The cozy relaxing island is now a small office full of empty cubicles. The mail boxes that use to be so full that you had to pick your mail up everyday are now empty except with a handful of bills for me. In those days if you did not pick up your phone messages daily the caller would receive the message, “this box is full”. Every day I wake up with the voice in my head saying, “you are most likely to change the world”. I send emails to people I know to find new connections, I use LinkedIn & Facebook, and I meet for coffee, lunch with whomever I think might assist me in changing the world. This past year may have been lonely at times, had ups and downs like a roller coaster but it has not been torturous. Rather it has been a time of reflection, meeting new people, reacquainting with people from my past and most of all a time to see opportunities that someone like me can be involved in that can change the world. I am grateful for the raft that I have been on and look forward to reaching shore. But most of all I am grateful for the team that I had built for seeing in me what I had not seen in myself.

Do you have more questions then answers?

True transformation requires courage. Courage to ask ourselves the difficult questions that seem to have no answers. And courage to hold these questions firmly as we contemplate what is an illusion and what is our true authentic self. These times of questioning are not our weakest moments. These are the moments of real clarity and consciousness. This is when we are truly living.

Celebrate Lives Transitions

I am reading a great book by Barbara D’Angelis called, “How Did I Get Here?” Our lives are full of turning points. Times that come that quite frankly feel like being hit by a freight train. These are times we call unexpected and inconvenient. These are the times that after we have shed tears we can still feel the pain in our chest. Making the logical response, “how did I get here and what is the purpose”? What we tend to forget is that these are also the time of amazing growth. I want to share this story with you.
A woman who always considered herself clever and capable died at the end of a long life and found herself waiting for an interview with God. Time seemed to be nonexistent as she waited alone in a light filled room with no ceilings, walls or floor. “What will God ask me?” she wondered. “I was never much of a deep thinker. What if he asks me about the meaning of life? I won’t know what to say. I could always tell the truth. I was too busy being successful to think about that kind of thing. After all, my accomplishments have been very impressive and even God should be able to see that!”
With intense concentration, she tried to recall all of the marvelous things she had achieved during her lifetime, so she would be prepared to talk to God. Suddenly God appeared before her and sat down next to her. “It is good to see you, “God began. “So tell me, how do you think you did?” The woman breathed an enormous sigh of relief to hear that this was the question God was asking. She was sure she could answer this right. Feeling confident she began: “Well, I thought you might ask that, so I’ve made a short list. I wanted to own my own business so I could have a flexible schedule for my kids and become financially successful, I did that wanted to put my children through college and I did that too. I wanted to own a luxurious home, and I did that. I wanted to learn to play golf and I did that. I wanted a cabin up north so I did that. Oh, I can’t forget this one, I wanted to donate money to worthy causes on a regular basis, and I did that.” The woman felt quite satisfied with herself, hearing her own list. Surely God was going to be proud.
“So in conclusion,” she declared, “I would say without wanting to brag, that I did very well, considering I accomplished most of the things I set out to do. But of course, since you are God you knew all of this already.” God smiled kindly at the woman. “Actually, you’re mistaken.”
“Mistaken?” the woman asked. “I don’t understand.” “You are mistaken, “God repeated, “Because I wasn’t paying attention to the goals you achieved.” The woman was taken aback. “You weren’t? But, I thought ….” “I know,” God interrupted. “Everyone thinks the better their life went, the more successful their life was. But it doesn’t work that way up here. I didn’t pay attention to all the times you got what you expected and hoped for, for that wouldn’t teach me much about what you were learning in your earthly existence. I was watching you most closely during all those difficult times when you encountered the unexpected, the things you did not plan on or want to happen. You see, it is how you dealt with these that reflect the growth and wisdom of your soul.”
The woman was stunned. She’d gotten it all wrong! She’d spend her whole life trying to do everything right. “How should I know what lessons I learned from life’s difficult moments?” she wondered in a panic. “I never even liked to admit I had any problems. What am I suppose to tell God now?”
For a moment, she was speechless, but I was never one for enjoying defeat, she soon got a second wind of energy. “Don’t just sit here!! She told herself firmly. “You never lost a negotiation on earth. Try again!” Gathering up all of her confidence, she began once more:
“Well, to tell the truth, God, I was just being polite before. Actually, my life was hell! What hardships, what disappointments, what tests and trials! Let me tell you about the time my mother-in-law moved in with us. And then there was the time I passed kidney stones. And my youngest son, he was nothing but trouble. And my husband, don’t get me started on my husband or I’ll be here forever ….”
“Take your time, “God replied. “I’m in no hurry …..”

Where Are My Mighty Queens?

This past week I had the chance to meet Amy Dickinson. She is he columnist for the Chicago Tribune (she is syndicated as well) that took over for Ann Landers. Her column is “Ask Amy”. She has recently written a book called, “Mighty Queens of Freeville”. The book is her story of moving back to her home town after being away the majority of her adult life as a successful professional writer raising her daughter as a single Mom. Not knowing what to expect returning she realized that she had missed the unconditional love and support of the women from her hometown. All the years alone she missed the advice from a special group of women who understand the daily struggles of women. This got me thinking about my own mighty queens.
I remember my high school click. Is that my mighty queens? From what Amy explains your mighty queens do not judge. In high school they judged. How about my women relatives? Amy explains that this group may in fact include relatives. Hers does. A might queens group is inclusive versus exclusive. It is a group that puts time aside for each other on a consistent basis. That is not my women relatives. The closest I can come is women network groups that I am involved in. The problem with these groups is that they are exclusive. In other words you belong to the group if you are an accepted member. There is nothing unconditional about it. Not to mention to admit to a business group that you have daily struggles (no matter what they are) would be a sign of weakness. Who wants weakness in business? Especially if you are a woman. So I conclude that I do not have my own mighty queens.
I have always been proud of the fact that I am a strong woman who can do things on her own. But after meeting Amy and contemplating what I may have missed I want to go to Freeville. When I feel alone I want a group of women that I can look forward to having lunch with. When I am struggling with my career I want a group of women that I can bounce ideas off from. When I miss my son who is off at college I want to have a group of women I can cry in front of. When I was going through a divorce I now know it would have been comforting to have women to turn to. So a trip to Freeville is on my “to do” list. However, I am not sure that Amy would be receptive to waves of women heading to her hometown. So creating a mighty queens group of my own in Minneapolis will be my next project. Anyone interested?

Time Bankrupt

Due to the economics times we are faced with the whole idea of bankruptcy is everywhere, of course most of the time we are referring to financial bankruptcy. Bankruptcy is a devastating process and not just financially. The ramifications can be comparable to death and divorce. So what does bankruptcy mean? And do people start out with the intent to go bankrupt?
Last week I ran into a friend by the name of Karen. She used a new word that referred to bankruptcy that intrigued me. She said she was no longer going to let herself be time bankrupt. She is in her mid 50’s and has always used the excuse of not having enough time to pursue what she is truly passionate about. She told me that it was her intention in 2009 to not stand on the fact that she is time bankrupt to delay any longer what she is driven to do.
You have to hear the whole story of Karen. Karen has shown me the power of intention first hand. Over the holidays we were at a holiday event and the room was full (at least 100 people) and 6 ladies at our table. The event was an auction using paper money that we each had accumulated through various ways throughout the year. In addition to using this money at the auction they were also giving away cash prizes through drawings. Karen approached the table and declared that she was about to win some cash from the drawings. We giggled and in unison said “ya so are we”. Karen went on to say that she knew of a woman that professional entered giveaways for a living and was making 6 figures doing so and that she had every intention to be as successful as this women. I was taken aback slightly at her confidence and when she proceeded to win cash 2 times out of a dozen drawings (remember over 100 people in the room all with similar chances), I took a strong interest in her level of intention.
So when I ran in to her this past week I was very excited to check in with her results. She went on again about the power of intention so when she brought up the idea of being time bankrupt I was ready to listen. I also know the feeling of being time bankrupt. I know many women who have had this feeling.
In financial bankruptcy you spend more then you earn and if you do not decrease your expense and/or increase your income over time the situation caves in and it is inevitable to claim bankruptcy. Time bankruptcy is different in that we all have the same income we call “time”. It is 24 hours per day. You can’t get more and you can’t spend more. There is no such thing as getting a loan to cover the deficit. We all spend the same amount; 24 hours every day. So can we actually go time bankrupt? And what does Karen mean? Karen and I did discuss this and we agreed that we feel bankrupt when we spend most of our time on things that do not drive us. As women we all do it. We spend time on everyone else but ourselves. And at the end of the day we have spent all of our time. Nothing left for us individually and no time left to cultivate and sustain relationships with each other. Can we give up some of our time expenditures like obsessing on a clean house, keeping up with laundry, making healthy dinners every day? And lastly not asking for help on any of these things because others do not do it the way we want it to be done. At the end of the day we lose our relationships with our girlfriends and we lose ourselves.
What is your intention for 2009? Is there 1 hour a day that you can give back to yourself? Is there 1 hour a month that you can give to a close friendship that needs attention? I challenge you to join Karen and me in having the intend to avoid going time bankrupt.

Why Pray if Things are Going Great

It is interesting that we pray the least when we need it the most. When times are good we keep ourselves so busy that we forget about prayer. Life is an ebb and flow and when times are good they will flow the other way soon. Then we pray and expect miracles for ourselves because we are struggling. I am guilty of this. And what I realized is that I am only praying for myself if it only comes to mind when I struggle. If I was praying with the intent of something outside myself I would be doing it all the time. So my new years resolution is to pray more. And I will always find a place in prayer for others.
I received these two prayers today from my website www.MessagesForWomen.com today and I would like to share them with you.

I just wanted to tell everyone that I am so grateful to have each of you in my life. May everyone who received this message be blessed. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, just a lot of reward. Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer. May today be all you need it to be. May the peace of God and the freshness of the Holy Spirit rest in your thoughts, rule in your dreams tonight, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself today in ways you have never experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your prayers be answered. I pray t hat faith enters a new height for you; I pray that your territory is enlarged. I pray for peace, healing, health, happiness, prosperity, joy, true and undying love for God. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.


God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when she walks with you, She will always be safe. Love you Sis!!!!