Several years ago my friend Joe was conducting a seminar and I witnessed him coach a woman who was experiencing some real emotional pain. She had indicated that she was “stuck” and that she did not understand why. She went on to share that she loves helping people and does so all the time and just does not feel that it comes back to her. Joe asked her if she was open to learning about herself and she said “yes”. In front of hundreds of people I witnessed a woman evolve from a state of fear to love. Joe asked her to describe how it felt when she helped someone. She said she loved seeing the smile and joy on their face when she did something that really was special that she was confident she could give. She went on to say that the feeling that she gets doing things for others was the sole reason for her getting up everyday. Joe then asked her how she felt about others helping her. There was an awkward silence and a major energy shift. I could see and feel the fear in her. She began to describe how she is a very independent person and can do most anything by herself and that she liked it that way. She did not want to be a burden to anyone. There was utter silence in the room. Joe asked her if there are people in her life that may want the opportunity to feel the way she does when she gives. He than asked if she was possibly denying her loved ones the chance to feel this love that comes from giving. She began to cry.
Since that day I have watched that scene over in my head thousands of times. It is better to give then to receive. My own character has been built on these words. In fact, I have been told that I give too much at the expense of my own emotional well being. What is the saying, “too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing”. Living out of balance has been hard work that has not gone without pain for me and for my loved ones. Every time I thought I was open to receiving my ego would turn up the volume. It would say, “Don’t get use to it they are just going to leave anyway”. Then a follow up to that of “you can do it yourself you do not need anyone anyway”. I have done so much self improvement work and all it seemed to do is help my ego create new and more logical variations of those words. The end result always being the same, my loved ones felt shut out, exhausted and hopeless.
I was baptized as an infant raised and confirmed in the Lutheran faith and have always believed in God. However, I have grown over the years more and more frustrated with organized religion. I always strive to stay non judgmental and from my personal experience with organized religion it is just a matter of time before you discover that they have “the right way” to feel God. They make you feel that you do not have the power to find that within yourself and that is control. God is about love and there is nothing loving about control. I will admit that I do believe that some of the techniques they use to assist you in managing your ego (some organizations may refer to ego as the devil) are interesting. For me one tool that resonates is prayer.
So I have tried praying over the years. And what I found is that it leads to asking for “things” rather then stay focus on loving thoughts. I have tried various affirmations that I have picked up over the years listening to spiritual leaders. I have been attracted to this on and off for several years now with no luck of consistency until April of this year. This has been a tough year. My son going to college left me feeling that a part of my heart went with him. My career of being in real estate has been suffering from a financial meltdown and my husband of not even two years has asked to leave so many times so many different ways that I began to not listen. This built a wall that was so tall and deep that prayer just did not seem big enough to tear it down.
Then I got a message from God from two friends about praying. I had met Lois at a couple’s seminar weekend in February and we had a few connections via email after the seminar. I mentioned the struggles my husband and I were having and she said she would pray for us. Then a couple weeks later after a conversation with my friend Liz she said that she would pray for my husband and me as well. At that moment I thought of Joe and the coaching session with the women who could not allow any one around her the chance to help her. I immediately got it. The answer for me is prayer. I have read both of the emails from my friends numerous times taking it in my heart. I then came up with 6 daily prayers having to do with peace, love, faith, and being open to receiving. This time the difference was praying for the ability to receive as a base. Now I can give with the power of being open to receive and the knowledge that some might not be in the place to receive which to me defines unconditional love.
My therapist the other day asked me why I think “I” get God this time. My answer was quick. I now get prayer and how that allows me to reach to God and then to others through God. And that this is my tool and not necessarily everyone’s. I left my therapist’s office and heard the new song by Beyonce' called Halo (lyrics below). I had heard it several times over the previous two weeks and at the time it made me think of my husband and what I would like to say to him. But the words now hit me hard and I immediately starting crying. The words were no longer meant for my husband. They were meant for God.
I feel things more clearly after I pray. The sky seems bluer, sounds seem so crisp and my ego is quiet. I can still see pain but it is no longer within myself. I see it in others and my heart starts pounding like it wants to jump out and help. And then I remember that the person whose pain I see may not be ready to receive. And until they do, my job is to love, support and appreciate what they are trying to give me and the gift I can give them is to receive that unconditionally. So is it really better to give then to receive? Are you giving others around you the chance to love you no matter where they are on their healing journey? Are you giving and loving unconditionally? Is it time to take down your wall?
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again
Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see you halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Halo, halo
Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Did I Live? Did I Love? Did I Matter?
I have been asking people how they would answer these three questions and it is amazing how it really stops people for a moment to reflect. There are always the fast responders that are thinking in terms of themselves (which those types do a lot of). Their answers are quite entertaining. There are things like “yes - you should have seen me in college” or “I love all the girls” or better yet “I live for my passion (like its tangible)”, “I love nature” and “I love what I do”. This particular response actually made me sad, “they can’t do without me at work so I must matter”. The more reflective types understand that it is not about the logistics of living. It is about living and loving beyond yourself.
After numerous discussions with others I have come up with my unique answers to each. Let’s take each one at a time. Did I live? I lived because I did things that I was afraid of that others thought was crazy. I lived because when the voice in my head said run, I asked why? I lived because I asked for help and accepted help. I lived because I let others have what they wanted while I went without. I lived because I risked relationships to have them. I lived because I brought joy to the lives of people around me regardless if they deserved it. I lived because I seek to understand versus always trying to be understood. I lived in empathy without reckless abandon. I lived because I understand that life is not about obtaining perfection. It is about the journey and that the ups are great and the downs are necessary for growth. Finally, I lived because I accepted the whole package that was given to me by my God and I lived consciously as much as possible as not to take it for granted.
Did I love? Of course I love my husband, parents and my kids. I can say I loved at least one set of grandparents. And I believe those closest to me would say that I am a loving person. But did I love?? I know that when I have live consciously I feel love so deeply that my chest hurts. Living consciously allows my heart to open for not only giving but receiving. Love can not be done unconsciously and when it is it is inauthentic. Authentic love is not the quick “I love you” at the bottom of an email. I have loved someone enough to let go and still I have not given up on love. I have been told I love too much. Can that really happen? I see differences in people as amazing not annoying. I can look into someone’s eyes lovingly and my heart begins to hurt enough to cause tears. Living is to empathy as loving is to compassion. I have loved beyond understanding to making a difference by not just what I say but by what you do.
Did I matter? I recently lost a good friend named Mark. Back several years ago Mark pointed out a fear that kept showing up in my behavior that was holding me back. Because he was living consciously in empathy he was able to see this. And because he loved me he pointed it out and was able to help. Over the next few years I invested a lot of time asking for help from Mark and others to support me with this emotional struggle. It was an amazing time in my life for growth and I was not alone. That was when I felt compassion for the first time. When Mark passed I asked myself, “Did Mark matter”? He made a difference in my life by not just what he said but by what he did. Yes he mattered. Like Mark I have lived consciously with empathy and loved with compassion. So, yes at the end of my journey I will have mattered
This is dedicated to my friend Mark Lindblad. To experience Mark’s contribution in life go to http://www.onyourmarkcoaching.com/
“Death is not extinguishing the light;it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”--Rabindranath Tagore
After numerous discussions with others I have come up with my unique answers to each. Let’s take each one at a time. Did I live? I lived because I did things that I was afraid of that others thought was crazy. I lived because when the voice in my head said run, I asked why? I lived because I asked for help and accepted help. I lived because I let others have what they wanted while I went without. I lived because I risked relationships to have them. I lived because I brought joy to the lives of people around me regardless if they deserved it. I lived because I seek to understand versus always trying to be understood. I lived in empathy without reckless abandon. I lived because I understand that life is not about obtaining perfection. It is about the journey and that the ups are great and the downs are necessary for growth. Finally, I lived because I accepted the whole package that was given to me by my God and I lived consciously as much as possible as not to take it for granted.
Did I love? Of course I love my husband, parents and my kids. I can say I loved at least one set of grandparents. And I believe those closest to me would say that I am a loving person. But did I love?? I know that when I have live consciously I feel love so deeply that my chest hurts. Living consciously allows my heart to open for not only giving but receiving. Love can not be done unconsciously and when it is it is inauthentic. Authentic love is not the quick “I love you” at the bottom of an email. I have loved someone enough to let go and still I have not given up on love. I have been told I love too much. Can that really happen? I see differences in people as amazing not annoying. I can look into someone’s eyes lovingly and my heart begins to hurt enough to cause tears. Living is to empathy as loving is to compassion. I have loved beyond understanding to making a difference by not just what I say but by what you do.
Did I matter? I recently lost a good friend named Mark. Back several years ago Mark pointed out a fear that kept showing up in my behavior that was holding me back. Because he was living consciously in empathy he was able to see this. And because he loved me he pointed it out and was able to help. Over the next few years I invested a lot of time asking for help from Mark and others to support me with this emotional struggle. It was an amazing time in my life for growth and I was not alone. That was when I felt compassion for the first time. When Mark passed I asked myself, “Did Mark matter”? He made a difference in my life by not just what he said but by what he did. Yes he mattered. Like Mark I have lived consciously with empathy and loved with compassion. So, yes at the end of my journey I will have mattered
This is dedicated to my friend Mark Lindblad. To experience Mark’s contribution in life go to http://www.onyourmarkcoaching.com/
“Death is not extinguishing the light;it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”--Rabindranath Tagore
Monday, April 20, 2009
Enabling the Narcissist
Defined: concerned only with oneself. We all know one, two or maybe even three. Or perhaps our country is full of them. Last week I had a debate with a friend about the government requiring that the CEO of GM step down. He was appalled that the government can do that. I responded with did the CEO deserve it? My friend being a VERY hard worker in fact might be the most productive person I know (one failed marriage to prove it) and rather successful at what he does answered with a quick “yes”. So I asked him if he deserved it why had it not happened before. He looked at me bewildered and never did respond. I added to the conversation that it seems as if all of us through tax dollars had to pay the government to do our dirty work.
A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.
Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.
The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?
First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.
A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.
Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.
The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?
First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Hope - How do YOU find it?
Last night I watched the movie Milk. It is one of those movies that is up for all these awards but you never got around to seeing it but since it is award worthy you rent it. It was excellent. One of the famous lines in the movie is when Harvey Milk says, "Without hope there is no reason to live". This morning my husband asked me this question, "Where do you find hope"?
I have been reflecting all day on the word hope and what it means. I know that I am very passionate about helping others to find hope. That is easy for me. Whether it is in the real estate field or within my immediate sphere, to watch a persons face or hear it in their voice when they finally find hope is priceless. That feeling keeps me going when I want to give up. I know that this last year it has been hard to get through to people. There are so many people that are not in the right place to receive.
The movie portrays Harvey finding his passion to change the world through changing the way people think of gay rights as being equal to the rights of all citizens. To think that this was 1973 (not that long ago) and that gays had very few rights is unbelievable. They were not allowed to teach children for the fear that our children would turn gay. Can you imagine thinking that children can be taught to be gay? So Harvey found himself in a position to give hope through using politics to represent the gay community in changing legislature for equal rights. What a big job. It seemed impossible. Without hope for freedom I can see how the gay community would think that life would not be worth living. Harvey gave people hope through bringing them a voice to the government through public office. So where does someone like Harvey get their hope? What he did for equal rights in a span of 5 years is amazing. He had to have known where to go to find his own hope.
In my darkest moments I have lost hope and I have felt that life may not be worth it. So I do know the value of hope. So where do I get hope for me? Do I wait for someone else to bring it to me? If I did wait I just might be waiting for a long time. I also know that hope collectively coming from a larger group does bring momentum for amazing change (you will see this in the movie so go rent it today). And to be one to inspire that is what I am passionate about. But I still need hope for me to give me momentum. Where is it? As I relected on my husbands question it seemed so unclear.
Whenever I feel unclear I get clarity. That means to stop "doing" and quiet your mind. To quiet my mind today I decided not to work instead I went to a spiritual center. I love the inspiration messages and I find someone else saying them out loud even more powerful. I also love the music. I left the center renewed. I felt hopeful. Wow! I found it.
So the moral to this story is that it does not matter where others get it. What matters is finding out where you get yours. As Kim Lampe says, "find what fuels you" (check out her website at www.believeactgo.blogspot.com). This next week quiet your mind and reflect on the word "hope" and my wish for you is that you find it.
"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not"
I have been reflecting all day on the word hope and what it means. I know that I am very passionate about helping others to find hope. That is easy for me. Whether it is in the real estate field or within my immediate sphere, to watch a persons face or hear it in their voice when they finally find hope is priceless. That feeling keeps me going when I want to give up. I know that this last year it has been hard to get through to people. There are so many people that are not in the right place to receive.
The movie portrays Harvey finding his passion to change the world through changing the way people think of gay rights as being equal to the rights of all citizens. To think that this was 1973 (not that long ago) and that gays had very few rights is unbelievable. They were not allowed to teach children for the fear that our children would turn gay. Can you imagine thinking that children can be taught to be gay? So Harvey found himself in a position to give hope through using politics to represent the gay community in changing legislature for equal rights. What a big job. It seemed impossible. Without hope for freedom I can see how the gay community would think that life would not be worth living. Harvey gave people hope through bringing them a voice to the government through public office. So where does someone like Harvey get their hope? What he did for equal rights in a span of 5 years is amazing. He had to have known where to go to find his own hope.
In my darkest moments I have lost hope and I have felt that life may not be worth it. So I do know the value of hope. So where do I get hope for me? Do I wait for someone else to bring it to me? If I did wait I just might be waiting for a long time. I also know that hope collectively coming from a larger group does bring momentum for amazing change (you will see this in the movie so go rent it today). And to be one to inspire that is what I am passionate about. But I still need hope for me to give me momentum. Where is it? As I relected on my husbands question it seemed so unclear.
Whenever I feel unclear I get clarity. That means to stop "doing" and quiet your mind. To quiet my mind today I decided not to work instead I went to a spiritual center. I love the inspiration messages and I find someone else saying them out loud even more powerful. I also love the music. I left the center renewed. I felt hopeful. Wow! I found it.
So the moral to this story is that it does not matter where others get it. What matters is finding out where you get yours. As Kim Lampe says, "find what fuels you" (check out her website at www.believeactgo.blogspot.com). This next week quiet your mind and reflect on the word "hope" and my wish for you is that you find it.
"It's not what you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not"
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I Know What Happens in 2012 - We Go Right
Every since seeing this video a few months ago on stroke victims I have been fascinated with the human brain. We know that the brain is split in two parts. One side we call “left brained” and the other “right brained”. Studies have shown that a large percentage of men operate from the left and women from the right. We know that the left side is the rational logical side of our brain and the right is relational and emotional.
Our society has been operating vastly from the left for quite a few hundred years. This era has been referred to as the suppression of the female/right side. We know as humans that are nature is to operate with balance; yin/yang, black/white, dark/light but yet we have let the left brain to dominate. Hence the results of our society’s woes of today. This has created the opportunity to play off our right side. How will creating balance change what is going on today?
Let’s discuss humans and their physical forms. We know that our bodies physical existence is dependent on 20 identified amino acids. These 20 are made of combinations of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and hydrogen. Mathematics tells us that there should actually 64 combinations of these four but yet we have only identified 20. Where are the other 44 combinations? And if we could tap into those how would we evolve? What are we missing? Could it be that until we are balanced in our true nature we will not experience our full capabilities? By suppressing the right side of the brain are we holding ourselves back? It is obvious in our physical realities of today that something is surely missing.
In suppressing the right side we have suppressed our emotions. Scientists have proven that there are two emotions in the human brain that is fear or love. You do not have to think to long to realize that fear is not suppressed in our current human existence. It is every where. So are we suppressing love? If we could let it out will it open up our potential for evolution? Will we see more amino acids? It is fascinating to think of the opportunities. Next time fear is staring you in the face, reach for balance by throwing love back at it. It will always win.
Our society has been operating vastly from the left for quite a few hundred years. This era has been referred to as the suppression of the female/right side. We know as humans that are nature is to operate with balance; yin/yang, black/white, dark/light but yet we have let the left brain to dominate. Hence the results of our society’s woes of today. This has created the opportunity to play off our right side. How will creating balance change what is going on today?
Let’s discuss humans and their physical forms. We know that our bodies physical existence is dependent on 20 identified amino acids. These 20 are made of combinations of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and hydrogen. Mathematics tells us that there should actually 64 combinations of these four but yet we have only identified 20. Where are the other 44 combinations? And if we could tap into those how would we evolve? What are we missing? Could it be that until we are balanced in our true nature we will not experience our full capabilities? By suppressing the right side of the brain are we holding ourselves back? It is obvious in our physical realities of today that something is surely missing.
In suppressing the right side we have suppressed our emotions. Scientists have proven that there are two emotions in the human brain that is fear or love. You do not have to think to long to realize that fear is not suppressed in our current human existence. It is every where. So are we suppressing love? If we could let it out will it open up our potential for evolution? Will we see more amino acids? It is fascinating to think of the opportunities. Next time fear is staring you in the face, reach for balance by throwing love back at it. It will always win.
Friday, February 27, 2009
He Said I Was Dog Poo
A couple days ago I went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not into you” by myself. A couple years ago when the book came out I refused to read it. My perception was that it would be one of those men bashing books and at the time I was getting married and it just did not fit into my life. So why now did I want to see the movie? First, I love the cast. How can one not think a movie will be worth a few bucks when it has Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Afflack, Scarlett Johansson and more? Second, I knew there was a strong message and I really wanted to see how it may apply to me. And boy was there was a message alright.
The first scene of the movie is a little girl noticing a little boy in the park. As soon as the boy notices her he approaches her and pushes her down. She is still down when she asked why he did it and he says, “Because you stink like dog poo”. He proceeds to say that she not only stinks like dog poo but that she is dog poo. The little girl with tears in her eyes runs to her Mom. Mom gives the little girl a big hug and asks why she is crying. The little girl says, “the boy in the park says I am dog poop”. Her Mom grabs her shoulders looks her in the eyes and says, “Is that true”? The little girl shakes her head no. Mom’s next action emotionally scars the little girl in a way that she will carry for years. Mom says, “boys do that when the like you”. The look on the little girls face is priceless. Now roll that scene out 20 years. She grows up and believes that when men are brash, disrespectful and demeaning it means they must love her. Can you see the pattern? How would things have been different if Mom had stopped after, “Is that true” and had just given her another hug?
What really left me speechless was the fact that I have said similar things to my own daughter. I do not remember my Mother saying similar things to me but I have similar thoughts that have to come from somewhere. I was not told that I was dog poo, but I was told by my Dad that I talk too much and that I did not deserve a nice guy. I was left alone to fend for myself by both my parents which made me feel invisible. I need not go any further to describe the love interests I have been attracted to in my lifetime. I am sure you get the drift.
In the movie the little girl did not stand up for herself. She just ran to her Mom. I got to thinking about how I reacted as a child to similar encounters. And I realized that how one reacts defines your future relationships just as much as the incident itself. I can tell you that I did not stay lying down and did not run to Mom. That would have been the last person I would have told. So what did I do? I would stand up walk up to the boy look him in the eyes and I would say, “You will eventually regret what you just did”. Then I would calmly walk away. Then what happens? Let’s just say the few people in my life that did call me poop (figuratively speaking-I was never actually called poop) still apologize today. My way of getting even is by strategically planning to alienate them and ultimately make them feel invisible. Hmm. Invisible that sounds familiar. How has this served me? Not well. If my partner makes a mistake they regret it and eventually they stay away to avoid getting stung. Would you blame them? I don’t.
After I was finished being hard on myself and my parents, I got to thinking that all parent’s do the best they can given their circumstances. And we all have similar experiences with our care givers so romantic love will always be filled with drama and exposing childhood wounds will be painful. Does it really have to be that way? What do we tell that little girl who is lying on the ground who just got called dog poo? We tell her to stand up, look him in the eyes lovingly with sympathy and tell him that it is unfortunate that he treats people that way and that she is not dog poo. Then she should walk away confidently. We cannot protect our kids from these inevitable childhood encounters but we can prepare them. As adults we can go to all kinds of therapy, spend money on relationships seminars and read books on the subject to our hearts desire but our world still remains wounded. The key to healing our culture is through our children. The next generation does not need to carry on our wounds and they do not deserve to see themselves as dog poo. The next time you see a child either on the receiving end or sending end of a typical childhood bullish encounter, remember that this incident can define their relationships for years to come. Do something from love and compassion, even if that something is a hug.
The first scene of the movie is a little girl noticing a little boy in the park. As soon as the boy notices her he approaches her and pushes her down. She is still down when she asked why he did it and he says, “Because you stink like dog poo”. He proceeds to say that she not only stinks like dog poo but that she is dog poo. The little girl with tears in her eyes runs to her Mom. Mom gives the little girl a big hug and asks why she is crying. The little girl says, “the boy in the park says I am dog poop”. Her Mom grabs her shoulders looks her in the eyes and says, “Is that true”? The little girl shakes her head no. Mom’s next action emotionally scars the little girl in a way that she will carry for years. Mom says, “boys do that when the like you”. The look on the little girls face is priceless. Now roll that scene out 20 years. She grows up and believes that when men are brash, disrespectful and demeaning it means they must love her. Can you see the pattern? How would things have been different if Mom had stopped after, “Is that true” and had just given her another hug?
What really left me speechless was the fact that I have said similar things to my own daughter. I do not remember my Mother saying similar things to me but I have similar thoughts that have to come from somewhere. I was not told that I was dog poo, but I was told by my Dad that I talk too much and that I did not deserve a nice guy. I was left alone to fend for myself by both my parents which made me feel invisible. I need not go any further to describe the love interests I have been attracted to in my lifetime. I am sure you get the drift.
In the movie the little girl did not stand up for herself. She just ran to her Mom. I got to thinking about how I reacted as a child to similar encounters. And I realized that how one reacts defines your future relationships just as much as the incident itself. I can tell you that I did not stay lying down and did not run to Mom. That would have been the last person I would have told. So what did I do? I would stand up walk up to the boy look him in the eyes and I would say, “You will eventually regret what you just did”. Then I would calmly walk away. Then what happens? Let’s just say the few people in my life that did call me poop (figuratively speaking-I was never actually called poop) still apologize today. My way of getting even is by strategically planning to alienate them and ultimately make them feel invisible. Hmm. Invisible that sounds familiar. How has this served me? Not well. If my partner makes a mistake they regret it and eventually they stay away to avoid getting stung. Would you blame them? I don’t.
After I was finished being hard on myself and my parents, I got to thinking that all parent’s do the best they can given their circumstances. And we all have similar experiences with our care givers so romantic love will always be filled with drama and exposing childhood wounds will be painful. Does it really have to be that way? What do we tell that little girl who is lying on the ground who just got called dog poo? We tell her to stand up, look him in the eyes lovingly with sympathy and tell him that it is unfortunate that he treats people that way and that she is not dog poo. Then she should walk away confidently. We cannot protect our kids from these inevitable childhood encounters but we can prepare them. As adults we can go to all kinds of therapy, spend money on relationships seminars and read books on the subject to our hearts desire but our world still remains wounded. The key to healing our culture is through our children. The next generation does not need to carry on our wounds and they do not deserve to see themselves as dog poo. The next time you see a child either on the receiving end or sending end of a typical childhood bullish encounter, remember that this incident can define their relationships for years to come. Do something from love and compassion, even if that something is a hug.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Facebook - It’s Not Just Just a Pretty Face
I recently attended a networking happy hour and found myself in the middle of a very interesting conversation about Facebook. I had started it by sharing that I had an appointment the next morning that resulted from someone from my past finding me on Facebook. Before I had a chance to explain how I knew him (I had interviewed him for a loan officer position when I owned a mortgage company years ago) the comments came flying out. I heard things like; did you know that they kicked 90,000 perverts off Facebook today. I heard frustrations about having to check another mail box every day. I heard about how the people on Facebook are only interested in posting silly photos of them doing things other than work. I heard comments on how this was a tool for Mom’s to stalk their kids and how their employers banned the use of Facebook at work. Numerous people concluded that this was a tool that could never be used for business and would eventually lose its momentum.
I recall a very similar conversation in the mid nineties when it came to obtaining information on homes for sale on the internet. I was new to getting my real estate license and a coworker saw me sending home information through my email to a prospective Bed & Breakfast buyer. He spared no time in suggesting to me that this was a terrible idea. That I should NEVER give prospects too much information and that this computer emailing thing would run its course and go away (he preceded to hand me one of those huge MLS paper books that were outdated the minute they were printed). I reacted the same way then as I did at this networking event, quietly giggled knowing that I have a tool that I plan to use for business that others will take years to accept and moved the conversation along.
Several years ago a good friend and mentor assisted me in creating a website that was intended to create and maintain human connections amongst people in a community. This tool would be a way to create communication between people, list events and supply community information. Hey that sounds like Facebook. I guess we were ahead of our time.
I will admit that my first reason to join Facebook was to watch my kids. The word “stalking” is too strong; however I have been banned from writing on their wall (I did not even know what a wall was- now I am flustered about poking). I can tell you that I quickly got over my initial fear of this new communication tool and now I see the enormous potential for personal and professional use. I have been “granted permission” to connect with people that I have tried over several years to connect with that are friends of friends of mine. It has been a great tool to assist me in writing my book and promoting my blog. I have been using it to keep my friends abreast of what is happening in the real estate industry. It has resulted in reconnecting with people that I met in business years ago that I had wished to remain in touch with but life just happened and our connection withered. Last but not least it allows me to quickly see what my friends are up to and make quick comments to let them know that I am thinking about them. I think this is a great way to stay connected. You may or may not choose to ride the Facebook wave; however just like emailing you just may someday find yourself having to set up a profile as a requirement to be accepted into a personal or professional group. If you are on Facebook look me up and let’s stay connected. Until next time remember that we enjoy the beauty of a butterfly, but rarely acknowledge the changes it has gone through to achieve its amazing beauty.
I recall a very similar conversation in the mid nineties when it came to obtaining information on homes for sale on the internet. I was new to getting my real estate license and a coworker saw me sending home information through my email to a prospective Bed & Breakfast buyer. He spared no time in suggesting to me that this was a terrible idea. That I should NEVER give prospects too much information and that this computer emailing thing would run its course and go away (he preceded to hand me one of those huge MLS paper books that were outdated the minute they were printed). I reacted the same way then as I did at this networking event, quietly giggled knowing that I have a tool that I plan to use for business that others will take years to accept and moved the conversation along.
Several years ago a good friend and mentor assisted me in creating a website that was intended to create and maintain human connections amongst people in a community. This tool would be a way to create communication between people, list events and supply community information. Hey that sounds like Facebook. I guess we were ahead of our time.
I will admit that my first reason to join Facebook was to watch my kids. The word “stalking” is too strong; however I have been banned from writing on their wall (I did not even know what a wall was- now I am flustered about poking). I can tell you that I quickly got over my initial fear of this new communication tool and now I see the enormous potential for personal and professional use. I have been “granted permission” to connect with people that I have tried over several years to connect with that are friends of friends of mine. It has been a great tool to assist me in writing my book and promoting my blog. I have been using it to keep my friends abreast of what is happening in the real estate industry. It has resulted in reconnecting with people that I met in business years ago that I had wished to remain in touch with but life just happened and our connection withered. Last but not least it allows me to quickly see what my friends are up to and make quick comments to let them know that I am thinking about them. I think this is a great way to stay connected. You may or may not choose to ride the Facebook wave; however just like emailing you just may someday find yourself having to set up a profile as a requirement to be accepted into a personal or professional group. If you are on Facebook look me up and let’s stay connected. Until next time remember that we enjoy the beauty of a butterfly, but rarely acknowledge the changes it has gone through to achieve its amazing beauty.
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