The Day "I" Got God

Several years ago my friend Joe was conducting a seminar and I witnessed him coach a woman who was experiencing some real emotional pain. She had indicated that she was “stuck” and that she did not understand why. She went on to share that she loves helping people and does so all the time and just does not feel that it comes back to her. Joe asked her if she was open to learning about herself and she said “yes”. In front of hundreds of people I witnessed a woman evolve from a state of fear to love. Joe asked her to describe how it felt when she helped someone. She said she loved seeing the smile and joy on their face when she did something that really was special that she was confident she could give. She went on to say that the feeling that she gets doing things for others was the sole reason for her getting up everyday. Joe then asked her how she felt about others helping her. There was an awkward silence and a major energy shift. I could see and feel the fear in her. She began to describe how she is a very independent person and can do most anything by herself and that she liked it that way. She did not want to be a burden to anyone. There was utter silence in the room. Joe asked her if there are people in her life that may want the opportunity to feel the way she does when she gives. He than asked if she was possibly denying her loved ones the chance to feel this love that comes from giving. She began to cry.

Since that day I have watched that scene over in my head thousands of times. It is better to give then to receive. My own character has been built on these words. In fact, I have been told that I give too much at the expense of my own emotional well being. What is the saying, “too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing”. Living out of balance has been hard work that has not gone without pain for me and for my loved ones. Every time I thought I was open to receiving my ego would turn up the volume. It would say, “Don’t get use to it they are just going to leave anyway”. Then a follow up to that of “you can do it yourself you do not need anyone anyway”. I have done so much self improvement work and all it seemed to do is help my ego create new and more logical variations of those words. The end result always being the same, my loved ones felt shut out, exhausted and hopeless.

I was baptized as an infant raised and confirmed in the Lutheran faith and have always believed in God. However, I have grown over the years more and more frustrated with organized religion. I always strive to stay non judgmental and from my personal experience with organized religion it is just a matter of time before you discover that they have “the right way” to feel God. They make you feel that you do not have the power to find that within yourself and that is control. God is about love and there is nothing loving about control. I will admit that I do believe that some of the techniques they use to assist you in managing your ego (some organizations may refer to ego as the devil) are interesting. For me one tool that resonates is prayer.

So I have tried praying over the years. And what I found is that it leads to asking for “things” rather then stay focus on loving thoughts. I have tried various affirmations that I have picked up over the years listening to spiritual leaders. I have been attracted to this on and off for several years now with no luck of consistency until April of this year. This has been a tough year. My son going to college left me feeling that a part of my heart went with him. My career of being in real estate has been suffering from a financial meltdown and my husband of not even two years has asked to leave so many times so many different ways that I began to not listen. This built a wall that was so tall and deep that prayer just did not seem big enough to tear it down.

Then I got a message from God from two friends about praying. I had met Lois at a couple’s seminar weekend in February and we had a few connections via email after the seminar. I mentioned the struggles my husband and I were having and she said she would pray for us. Then a couple weeks later after a conversation with my friend Liz she said that she would pray for my husband and me as well. At that moment I thought of Joe and the coaching session with the women who could not allow any one around her the chance to help her. I immediately got it. The answer for me is prayer. I have read both of the emails from my friends numerous times taking it in my heart. I then came up with 6 daily prayers having to do with peace, love, faith, and being open to receiving. This time the difference was praying for the ability to receive as a base. Now I can give with the power of being open to receive and the knowledge that some might not be in the place to receive which to me defines unconditional love.

My therapist the other day asked me why I think “I” get God this time. My answer was quick. I now get prayer and how that allows me to reach to God and then to others through God. And that this is my tool and not necessarily everyone’s. I left my therapist’s office and heard the new song by Beyonce' called Halo (lyrics below). I had heard it several times over the previous two weeks and at the time it made me think of my husband and what I would like to say to him. But the words now hit me hard and I immediately starting crying. The words were no longer meant for my husband. They were meant for God.

I feel things more clearly after I pray. The sky seems bluer, sounds seem so crisp and my ego is quiet. I can still see pain but it is no longer within myself. I see it in others and my heart starts pounding like it wants to jump out and help. And then I remember that the person whose pain I see may not be ready to receive. And until they do, my job is to love, support and appreciate what they are trying to give me and the gift I can give them is to receive that unconditionally. So is it really better to give then to receive? Are you giving others around you the chance to love you no matter where they are on their healing journey? Are you giving and loving unconditionally? Is it time to take down your wall?


Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see you halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo