Enabling the Narcissist

Defined: concerned only with oneself. We all know one, two or maybe even three. Or perhaps our country is full of them. Last week I had a debate with a friend about the government requiring that the CEO of GM step down. He was appalled that the government can do that. I responded with did the CEO deserve it? My friend being a VERY hard worker in fact might be the most productive person I know (one failed marriage to prove it) and rather successful at what he does answered with a quick “yes”. So I asked him if he deserved it why had it not happened before. He looked at me bewildered and never did respond. I added to the conversation that it seems as if all of us through tax dollars had to pay the government to do our dirty work.

A few days later I picked up this book on narcissism. As I read through this book I realized that I know way too many people that could fit the definition of narcissist. We all come out narcissists. We cry when we are not fed. We cry when we need our diaper changed. We stopped when we are picked up and cuddled. We want to be the center of attention. As toddlers we throw temper tantrums when we do not get our way. For some this does not change. In fact it gets stronger as they grow into adulthood. But the question is why? Why do some become adults that have a grandiose opinion of themselves? They need constant affirmation and validation. They have no regard for others. In fact they see themselves as total autonomous. They are on their own island. This is not overly confident this is arrogance. It is not what you think about yourself but what you do not think about others.

Up until the economic downturn when so much became transparent I might have thought that being in the real estate industry put me in a place to see more narcissists then others (lucky me). I have always gotten a kick out of the amount of advertising that is done for self promotion versus for properties. You have seen it. And admit it; you have giggled a time or two. But lately it seems to be everywhere. The stories of executives getting bonuses in the midst of financial devastation, millions in the midst of so many having nothing.

The last question I have is, “where were their parent’s”? In asking that question, I have to examine my own parenting. My kids never bit or bullied other kids. I took every opportunity to discuss with them when others did why it was wrong. That came naturally to me and what I realize now is that is not always the case. First of all parent’s are rarely present and/or conscious for that matter. And when they are, the chances of them having the capacity or emotionally stability to assist their children in emotional growth opportunities are quite low. So here we are a country of self absorbed entitled human beings and what can each of us do?

First we can examine our own behavior. Are we thinking of ourselves the majority of the time? Is our behavior in general governed by meeting the needs of others? Second, do not stand for narcissistic behavior. When you witness it ask that person directly if there intend is to hurt others while helping themselves. Tell them you care about them but will not tolerate their behavior. Narcissists need to be handled with directness and love. They are emotionally still children who need help setting boundaries. They are looking for others to re-parent them. Remember the ego is strong and wants to win but the human heart will always win if we use it. It is time the heart gets to speak and the head gets to listen.