He Said I Was Dog Poo

A couple days ago I went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not into you” by myself. A couple years ago when the book came out I refused to read it. My perception was that it would be one of those men bashing books and at the time I was getting married and it just did not fit into my life. So why now did I want to see the movie? First, I love the cast. How can one not think a movie will be worth a few bucks when it has Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Ben Afflack, Scarlett Johansson and more? Second, I knew there was a strong message and I really wanted to see how it may apply to me. And boy was there was a message alright.
The first scene of the movie is a little girl noticing a little boy in the park. As soon as the boy notices her he approaches her and pushes her down. She is still down when she asked why he did it and he says, “Because you stink like dog poo”. He proceeds to say that she not only stinks like dog poo but that she is dog poo. The little girl with tears in her eyes runs to her Mom. Mom gives the little girl a big hug and asks why she is crying. The little girl says, “the boy in the park says I am dog poop”. Her Mom grabs her shoulders looks her in the eyes and says, “Is that true”? The little girl shakes her head no. Mom’s next action emotionally scars the little girl in a way that she will carry for years. Mom says, “boys do that when the like you”. The look on the little girls face is priceless. Now roll that scene out 20 years. She grows up and believes that when men are brash, disrespectful and demeaning it means they must love her. Can you see the pattern? How would things have been different if Mom had stopped after, “Is that true” and had just given her another hug?
What really left me speechless was the fact that I have said similar things to my own daughter. I do not remember my Mother saying similar things to me but I have similar thoughts that have to come from somewhere. I was not told that I was dog poo, but I was told by my Dad that I talk too much and that I did not deserve a nice guy. I was left alone to fend for myself by both my parents which made me feel invisible. I need not go any further to describe the love interests I have been attracted to in my lifetime. I am sure you get the drift.
In the movie the little girl did not stand up for herself. She just ran to her Mom. I got to thinking about how I reacted as a child to similar encounters. And I realized that how one reacts defines your future relationships just as much as the incident itself. I can tell you that I did not stay lying down and did not run to Mom. That would have been the last person I would have told. So what did I do? I would stand up walk up to the boy look him in the eyes and I would say, “You will eventually regret what you just did”. Then I would calmly walk away. Then what happens? Let’s just say the few people in my life that did call me poop (figuratively speaking-I was never actually called poop) still apologize today. My way of getting even is by strategically planning to alienate them and ultimately make them feel invisible. Hmm. Invisible that sounds familiar. How has this served me? Not well. If my partner makes a mistake they regret it and eventually they stay away to avoid getting stung. Would you blame them? I don’t.
After I was finished being hard on myself and my parents, I got to thinking that all parent’s do the best they can given their circumstances. And we all have similar experiences with our care givers so romantic love will always be filled with drama and exposing childhood wounds will be painful. Does it really have to be that way? What do we tell that little girl who is lying on the ground who just got called dog poo? We tell her to stand up, look him in the eyes lovingly with sympathy and tell him that it is unfortunate that he treats people that way and that she is not dog poo. Then she should walk away confidently. We cannot protect our kids from these inevitable childhood encounters but we can prepare them. As adults we can go to all kinds of therapy, spend money on relationships seminars and read books on the subject to our hearts desire but our world still remains wounded. The key to healing our culture is through our children. The next generation does not need to carry on our wounds and they do not deserve to see themselves as dog poo. The next time you see a child either on the receiving end or sending end of a typical childhood bullish encounter, remember that this incident can define their relationships for years to come. Do something from love and compassion, even if that something is a hug.