When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A week ago I was fortunate to get a chance to attend my son’s ultimate Frisbee tournament in San Francisco. I was so excited however felt somewhat awkward since I was by myself. It was interesting to be a spectator when what I really wanted to do is be a dotting Mom. It was very difficult to be there for him but yet let him be with his college friends and do the normal things he would if I had not been there. I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him and I wanted to take care of him every chance I could. But I knew deep inside that this was his time to be his own person and that my role was to support from a distance. If I left him to do his own thing would he know how proud I was of him? Would he know how much I love him if I stayed my distance? What was too much? And what was too little? It was driving me crazy the entire weekend but in the end I kept my distance but was unsure if I should have said more.

The following day after returning home I received the message below from a friend. I read it and could not hold back the tears. It did not matter what I said or did not say that past weekend. What mattered is all the years my son watched me that showed him how much I cared and how much love that I had for him and others. The tears were happy tears. He has grown up to be the most loving caring kind responsible productive person I know. He has become this person because of who he saw me be everyday of his life growing up. I realized that I did an amazing job by what I did when I thought he was not looking. And this includes standing by the sidelines of a college tournament in San Francisco when I thought he was not watching me.

A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry. When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be. When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

God Has Always Been There

God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

When I first read this a few months ago what stood out was the people given to me that hurt me. The question I kept asking myself is, “God give me a break and send the ones who love me and want to help me – I don’t know how much more I can take”.

It is my son’s 20th birthday today and I realized today watching him be the amazing person he is that he loves me. His love has made me the person I was meant to be. The interesting thing is that a few months ago he loved me and I was the person I was meant to be then as I am today. So did God just send me him today? No God sent him 20 years ago. I just choose more often then not to see the fear versus the love. I get stuck in negativity in a tunnel vision of emotional pain. I was and I am accepting of the person I am from the pain I have endured. What about the women that I have become as a product of all the love and help that I get everyday that I may not notice?

Who loves me? I can think of dozens of people and it makes me feel warm and strong. Who has helped me? I am overwhelmed with a sudden feeling to cry. I think of so many people who have been there for me just in the last week let alone my entire life. My daughter, my husband and my partner at work have all seen me struggle and offered to help me this past week without me having to ask. And when I think back over the last 15 years in my real estate career the list would take hours to write. I have always felt fortunate with opportunities that have left me with wanting to help others in return. So this has also made me who I am and plays a huge role in who I am meant to be. God has always been there. Now it is time for me to see all of the positive gifts that have been sent my way and are yet to come through those that love and support me.

Holding Back My Love

Yesterday my husband and I were attending our monthly couple’s therapy session. The group discussion was on differences and similarities within each couple and what are the one’s that bring to the relationship the biggest challenges. Like always it was great to hear the other couples perspectives and it is always good to hear that the same challenges exist within most couples.

When it was my husbands time to share he admitted that he often holds back saying nice things about me. He admitted that he knew that I have a need to feel special and noticed by him. He confessed that he often gets the urge to share and then purposely holds back because he is mad at me. He explained that my desire to be connected to him as a couple overwhelms him and he retreats and blames me for being needy. Of course this deeply saddened me. Initially I felt bad for him. The pain he must be in holding back love. To think of all the love that comes back his way that he does not get a chance to claim because of not being in a loving place. How sad it must be to be in his shoes. Then a light bulb went off. OMG I do the same thing. After some reflection I realized I hold back love too but just slightly different. When I am angry I hold back physical attention. I stay as far away physically as possible. I make up excuses to go to work early and make appointments when I know that he may be around. When I am angry I can still say nice things because that is easy for me. I do this naturally. But simple hugs, feet brushing against his in bed, bumping into him lovingly making dinner NO WAY! Why? Because I know he needs physical touch. It is so interesting how we see things in others that are in ourselves. Yesterday may have been painful but I have so much gratitude to God for giving me the chance at intimacy to see the lessons that come my way. And once in a while I have the courage to learn from them. That is life.

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.

Do you really deserve it?

I always thought that the feeling of entitlement came from those who depended on the government for their financial needs. I did not think that the feelings of entitlement could be expressed by someone like Tiger Woods. How could someone so rich feel entitled?

A couple weeks ago someone I know said that they felt justified in taking someone’s deposit outside of the terms of a contract because he worked so hard. He felt entitled to take the money. This past week Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior. He said, “normal rules did not apply I thought only of myself”, “I worked hard my entire life and I deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me”, “I felt entitled”. Wow! A person like Tiger feeling entitled.
Since I have reflected on whether there have been times that I too have felt entitled. Have I justified my behavior because I have worked so hard so I deserve to have what I want? Ok maybe I have not slept around with dozens of men or have taken money that a contract specifically said I could not have but I have felt entitled.

In my current marriage I have felt that I deserve a husband that is devoted to me and adores me. I deserve a husband that thinks only of my needs. I was in a 17 year marriage where my husband could not focus on me. I was in a marriage that had very little intimacy and endured it for 17 years so in this new marriage I deserve it, right? The real estate industry has been tough for 2 years and I have made it through this so I deserve to reap all the benefits as the recovery has begun, right? Where is the line between feeling entitled and having passion to go for what you want? When does desire and dreaming become entitlement and narcissistic?

I do not know the answer and I am looking for opinions from others. I do know that to stay out of fear and to stay in love is the first step. And I do know that I will never give up dreaming or my passion for what it is I want to give to the world. Maybe I will just have to check in with myself more often with the question, “do I feel a sense of entitlement to this goal or dream”?

Living with Chronic Pain

Most people that know me would never have guessed that I have lived with chronic pain for most of my life. On the outside I am happy active and generally optimistic. The pain I have suffered has been a result of my digestive system. I can not tell you at what age it started but I do remember at a very young age accepting the fact that I had inherited this condition from my grandmother. I have been diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome and poor circulation) through visiting a series of traditional and alternative medical professionals. Up unit this past month my life revolved around my stomach and the pain that I experience.

I met Cheryl a couple of years ago. We immediately connected and both had a strong feeling that there was a purpose for our meeting and that this purpose would be larger then the both of us. During this time Cheryl has become a dear friend. I had often felt saddened that we could not spend more time together. Like most girl friends schedules seem to be the culprit for not getting together as often as you would like. This is true of Cheryl and I but there is one other reason; Cheryl also lives with chronic pain. In fact her pain was so severe that it actually made mine seem irrelevant. Cheryl lived with chronic pain in all of her joints which often left her not wanting to leave the house. She has been diagnosed with arthritis and has been to see every person that vows to have any type of possible cure. She has tried so many things that every time we did meet I was anxious to hear her latest possible remedy and hope for relief.

Just a few short months ago she called me and said that she thought she had found the solution. She said she was researching it and when she felt comfortable with what she found she would share. Could it be possible I thought? And could it help me? Within a few weeks she had researched the product and was using it. We got together for lunch and she shared with me the concept and I was completely surprised. It was not anything you ingest or digest. It did not include meditation or any type of chanting. So what was it? The way I describe it is Spanks on steroids with an orthopedic twist. The official name is Body Magic.

Cheryl went on to say that she had been wearing if for a couple weeks and felt really good. She looked good too. She was cautious and so was I. A month went by and we met for lunch. Cheryl looked fantastic. She immediately said she felt healed. She filled me in on her progress which included a few days without her Body Magic which put her pain back in light so she was now 100% confident that it would change her life. OK I was ready.

I have been wearing mine for six weeks and I feel like a totally different person. I do not ever remember being able to sit still and not feel pain. Maybe the reason I have kept so active. I have been sleeping through the night which is a miracle. In the past my stomach would create so much pain it would wake me several times. Like Cheryl I have tried everything. This past year has been the hardest. I had stopped eating after 6:00 at night so I can get some sort of resemblance to sleep. I had stopped eating large meals at anytime during the day. I had made drinking digestive teas a daily habit. And most of you know that I eat an extremely good diet. Being married to a vegetarian has taken virtually all red meat from my diet and replaced it with an abundance of fruit and vegetables. I shop for organic all natural foods whenever possible and yet it had made little difference.

As I write this letter to you I am on a flight with my children to England. We are spending the new year celebration in London. In the past this would be very stressful for me. I would be worrying about my stomach and whether I would be able to enjoy the vacation with them. And now I sit here with my stomach absolutely pain free. My thoughts are on the future not just this trip but the rest of my life. The most amazing thing is how open my mind is to think about all that is possible living a life free of pain.

Oh and my last thoughts I would like to share is like wearing Spanks I look fantastic. I fit into all my jeans with room to spare and feel reunited with my body that I actually like. Can you believe after holiday season full of food that you can feel fabulous? Whether you live with pain or simply want to look and feel fantastic you can too. For more information on Body Magic call me. I am determined to help others begin to live life fully.

Intimacy - How do you stay connected?

What does staying connected mean to me?

I do not recall being truly connected to my parents as a child. There were times when I felt close to my Mom but it was not consistent and not sustained. Those times may have been few but were often fun bringing out the best of my Mom. I do not recall feeling connected with my Dad at all. So the idea of staying connected is hard because one has to be connected first.

It is easier to start with what I know feels like disconnection. I feel that most people are disconnected within themselves and I think this has to do with not feeling “whole”. Most people fall into two categories; those that see only things negatively and those that only see things positively. Both are not real. To feel “connected” to others one has to be connected with themselves. So what does that mean? To me it means that you understand that there are challenges and pain. This is part of life just as there is opportunities and joy. To live life fully or in “wholeness” one must know both. I feel that to know true joy comes from knowing pain. Living life stuck in either side is to not as God intended. Why do people get stuck? If you stick to the philosophy that there are only two emotions either love or fear, I think that it is fear. If someone lives in a constant state of denial of pain and only acknowledges joyful events they may fear their life becoming painful. If someone is stuck in challenges and pain they may fear that having joy can not be sustained. In the end they both have fear.

One of my skills that I feel fortunate to have is quick connection to people. I remember being in grade school when I realized this gift. In general I felt joy but understood that there were people who did not. So to connect with them I would acknowledge their challenges and their pain. They would immediately connect with me. I was not afraid of their negatively. I could always leave the interaction inspiring them and really felt I could make a difference. It seemed natural to develop intimate relationships with these types. It was with people who denied pain and only acted positively that I had more of a challenge.

The chronic positive people I have always felt least likely to inspire. They often don’t listen which I suspect has to do with not wanting to hear others pain (it may be contagious). I feel they are not genuine or authentic. It feels as if they are acting and not truly in touch with others feelings or their own. When I was younger it was easier to be patient with this type. I do feel I have a gift to listen fully and suggest eloquently perspectives that the other people may not see. However as I age I get less inclined to spend time being truly present and give up more easily on the chance of intimacy (like with my Mom) with people that are not authentic.

When I do feel connected what behavior has just taken place? The conversations have been addressing challenges and opportunities. Discussing challenges feels wonderful when followed by solutions which is perfect to discuss opportunities. In a conversation where both speak about only their own current opportunities there is no opportunity for the other to ad to the conversation. I feel that if the other person has it all figured out so what good am I to the relationship. I want to matter and I want the other person to matter to me. If the conversations do not end with a balance of give and take I do not feel connected nor any level of intimacy. I may like the person and I may keep them as a friend but as far as close intimacy, no. So conversations that stick to topics like “how is the weather” and “how was work today” leave me frustrated. I like conversations that evoke emotion whether that be pain or joy. I like asking “why do you feel that way” and I like being asked that in return. I love figuring out why I feel a certain way and I enjoy it even more when someone helps me through that experience of learning why I feel a certain way. That person gets me intimately and gets all of me. If someone rejects my need for this intimacy I will eventually stay pleasant but not deep. They will only see the exterior and they will not get the pleasure of intimacy with me and unfortunately probably not with others. I know life is short and to live it not fully is a shame.

Suggestions to facilitate connection

*Start questions with “how do you feel about …”
*The more specific a question or answers to my questions the more potential for intimacy
*After intimate conversations follow up with topic regularly
*Physical touch after intimate conversations

I know you love me but do you like me?

Recently I was having a conversation with my x husband about his frustrations with our children. He was very frustrated with our daughter making comments about coming to live with me full time (we split custody currently). At one point he said, “I suppose that you will win this one as well”. He was referring to our older son who decided going into his senior year of high school to spend it living with me full time. Knowing how my children feel about their father, I suggested that he focus on the similarities between the two and their feelings towards him. I asked him if he liked our son. He looked bewildered and after a few minutes he said, “of course I love him”. I went on to describe how I really like our son. I told him that I admire his determination, gentleness and kindness. And I told him that if I were his age I would want to hang out and be his friend. I watched my x husbands face and realized he had no clue why I was telling him this. What did liking him have to do with why his children and I did not see that he was right?

My current husband and I have known each other since 2003. He has two sisters of which until last weekend I had only met one a couple times. After a couple years of thinking that he was hiding deep family secrets which he had no intention of sharing with me or worse his desire for family closeness was next to none, I got the chance to spend the weekend alone with both of his sisters. Maria, who I had not met, has been struggling with issues with their father and his other sister being challenged with the stress of taking care of him was a constant source of anxiety for my husband. So you can imagine that my husband’s was quite nervous prior to my boarding the airplane. He voiced his concerns of which I tried to reassure him that I did not plan this trip as an opportunity to create more family drama but to connect and get to know my sisters. The weekend was a perfect example of sisters getting together talking girls stuff and feeling comfort in sharing all the trials and tribulations of their childhoods and daily lives. The most profound statement came from Maria the first night. She said, “I know my Mom loves me but I wish she really liked me”. We talked about this topic on and off throughout the weekend and I realized that this was the context of what I was trying to describe to my x husband.

My children are amazing and I have been asked several times what I attribute to this success. Over the years I have answered that question with various answers but now I know the single most important answer. It is important that we love our children from the deepest parts of our hearts but it is even more important to get to know them as the individuals they are and the dreams they hope to achieve. Not as the individuals we hope they become and not projecting our dreams onto them. And hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to like them so they can build a solid foundation to begin the process of liking who they are and hopefully build the self love that is necessary to experience all the joy that life has to offer and the strength to get them through all the challenges that lay ahead.

Through sisterhood we can share our deepest sadness and joys. Whether this is through biological, legal or simple girlfriends, with this bond we can fill our need to be accepted for who we are. For those of us who may have been loved by our parents but not necessarily liked leaving a never ending need for individual acceptance this perhaps can be the relationship that begins the healing necessary to become the whole person we all hope to become.

For those of you who like to read more on self love I have been reading, “The Three Marriages”, by David Whyte. I find the topic of balancing marriage in relationship, marriage to our profession and marriage to ourselves through the process of self love relevant to our society’s imbalanced approach to daily life is intriguing. And I find his approach to writing through the use of poetry both beautiful and creative.